Stress Center Peer Support

I want to first say thanks for taking the time to reads my post. It maybe kind of long but I need to talk about whats been going on with me.

So for the past couple years, I have been dealing with some really bad anxiety. I have had anxiety for close to 15 years. Over the past 15 years there have been some times where the anxiety was just crippling and other times it has been mild anxiety. But over the past 3 years or so, I have been just about as home ridden as you can be with out being called home ridden.

Over the past 3 years, I have been basically able to go to work which was only about a mile from my house and I only worked 4 hour days.

I would come home from work at 11AM and I would not leave the house until the next morning when I left for work. I had my girlfriend basically get our food because there was no way I could go into stores or out to eat.

Well in February of this year, I found out that my company was closing its doors after 9 years (I was there since day one).

That day I found out we were closing the doors, I decided I was going to change my life around and kick this anxiety.

I pulled out the Attacking Anxiety program I bought a couple years earlier, and started the program. I decided I was going to lose 100 pounds and just change my life. I new I was going to need to be strong, and I needed to get my walk close with God like it use to be years ago.

So its been about 5 months since all this started. I just finished the program and I have also lost 53 pounds of the original 100 I needed to lose.

So how am I doing, you ask? Well my anxiety was a solid 8 (on a scale 1-10) all day long when I started this program and the life style change 5 months ago. I can happily report I am doing very good. I am able to go out to eat with my girlfriend if its not to crowded. I have been driving up to 15 miles away from my home by myself. Oh and that was a huge thing for me. I could drive to work and that was it. So driving by myself, was a no-go.

So I feel pretty good. But I am starting to beat myself up. I have turned down one job interview a couple months ago because of my anxiety. What sucks is I really wanted to do this job. I use to work with this company 10 years ago and its a great company to work for.

I can honestly say I know I am not going to die from anxiety. I know I am healthy. But the symptoms scare the hell out of me. I don't know how you can "float" through them. I am trying, but its hard.

My biggest fear is embarrassing myself. It scares me so bad. I dwell on What-if thinking.

I can't walk very far from my house. And when I say I can't walk far,I mean anything over a couple hundred yards away. Once I get that far from my house, I start to panic. I think that I can not get to my "safe place" fast enough because I am walking. Then my legs get weak, and then the panic shoots up. This happened last night to me.

I have been trying to walk further and further away each time trying to expose myself to these symptoms. I have done a great job. Not a couple months ago, I could not walk to my mail box thats about 80 feet from my house. So I have really extended my walks to a couple hundred yards and feel pretty good about it. Baby steps right.

Whats really funny is once I got to my front yard, The panic was GONE completely. Its funny how once we tell our selfs we are in a safe place, we are fine.

So I am all in all pretty happy with my improvements. I just feel I should be 100% fine.

I have never taken any anxiety meds in my life. But I am thinking of maybe getting on some to take this little bit of anxiety away. I feel like I have failed in a way because most people start on anxiety meds and wean off as they get better. I am doing it backwards. I did the hardest part with out the meds and now feel I need them for the final "push" to get over this.

I am sorry for the rambling. I hope this makes sense. Thanks for your time.

Whoo-hoo! Look at how you took this bull by the horns and are making anxiety run away. I am so proud of you and impressed with how much courage and perserverance you have. Even 1 of those impediments would make a mere mortal melt, but NO, you took on anxiety and losing weight and looking for a new job, etc. Kudos to you from MN.

You sound like you've hit a bump and are doubting you have really bonked this anxiety on the head. Can you call the workplace and ask if the job is still available and try again?

And I LOVE this book that I was told about that talks about how to create an exposure hierarchy. Called "Freedom from Fear by Dr. Howard Leibgold" It really helped me get over the hump by giving me specific things to do when I feel the squirt. I got it at my local bookstore for pretty cheap and it helped me a lot.

Keep going- skip the meds if you have a choice-- you are doing awesome.

Thanks newrunner for the positive words.

I try to stay positive but sometimes its hard. I know I have come a long ways--I just want to be perfect.

Whats funny about the job is I actually received a call last week that they have another opening coming up and wondered if I was interested.

Whats is so anxiety producing for me is not really the job--but its the trainging that is about an hour away from my house and that is way to far from my "safe place". I know what I need to do. But simply saying, "oh I will be fine" just does not work with HUGE things like going to this training for 4 days. Being positive with baby steps works well for me, but not so much witn huge goals.

Can you car pool to the training with someone that you know? Or can a friend just bring you?

I bet you feel like you are between a rock and hard place. I'm sorry for that. It's not a fun place. But, you do have alot of positives on your side and you do know that perfection is not attainable, so let yourself off the hook.

If the company called you and asked you to come in for another job, it's pretty much a God thing, and I'd think hard about it. He'll help you thru, just as He has so far.

Truly- check out that book. It's really good. I especially like the part where he talks about changing your brain from using the ruminating, worrying part to letting it do math facts or singing a song or playing an instrument or whatever. Just something where the emotion shuts off and you are figuring something out. I did that last year when I was on a canoe trip. Here I was in the wilderness with 8 people, hotter than H_LL, and worried about my in-laws who are in their 70s, and not able to go anywhere as we had a clog of people and stuff on the portage trail. So-- I actually remembered the book and tried a tip. I did math facts thru the woods. Not just 1+1 type, but 1+1=2, 1+2=3 2+3=5, 1+3=4, 4+5=9. Really get your head buried in it and magically the anxiety evaporates away. It was remarkable and it stayed away. While I was on the trail doing math, I almost stepped on a garter snake (YUCK- I hate snakes) and didn't even pause a step. Kept doing the math, noticed that "hey, I think I saw a snake" and kept going. No adrenaline squirt whatsoever. This lasted for 5! days. Thru the end of the trip. And we had heat, we had rain, we had wind, we had in-laws .

I wish you the best and my prayers are with you.

Thanks newrunner for the advice.

I know God has opened this door for me again--and I hate going against what he wants. I really do.

If you thought god opened this opportunity for me a second time, check what else he has done for me to make this job opportunity even easier for me.

When applying for this job, you have to do a group interview with 12-30 people at each interview. And its everybody at once. The management goes around the group and asks questions to each person, which makes me nervous and was a huge problem for me.

Well this is the companies policy and that is what I was invited to the first time. Even though I was basically told I had the job, I still needed to go through the hoops just to make it fair.

Well I was told this last time that they are not going to do this group interview and basically I would need to just talk to one guy, then I am in.

So I truly believe God made this second opportunity easier for me. But its still hard.

So I had a good day today. I decided I would drive to the companies headquarters by myself to see how I would handle it--and I did great with no anxiety. But I have to also remember that I knew I could leave when I wanted to when i got there, unlike when I go to training there which I will be stuck at on there time table. But still pretty happy.

That was a great idea to try it out with no pressure. Can you use the "excuse" of having to go to the biff, or start coughing and excuse yourself or something if you feel anxious? Would give you time to recomposure yourself.

You are trusting and He is providing-- so cool. I'd keep on keeping on. It seems to be working for you.

Congrats. I look forward to hearing "the rest of the story".

gopens,
I read your stories and it is great. My advice is to try to remember that YOU are in control, not the anxiety!if you do get panicky( this is what helps me) is to think that its ok and it wont last that long. I know its easier said than done but i have recently learned that thinking about all the bad stuff that could happen isnt as bad as what actually ends up occurring. for instace, I had to pick my son up at the airport recently and i didnt mind the 40 minute drive there as long as my daughter was with me but i was terrified of the parking garage because you have to enter an enclosed spiral driveway that goes about 3 stories up until you get to the first parking floor. I wooried so bad about this teling myself i was scared of it. but i was also trying to convince myself that it would be fine. so as soon as i pulled up to the ramp to go into the spiral driveway i was doing fine. as soon as i took the parking ticket and the arm raised so i could enter my heart started pounding! but that was it. no numb hands and legs and feet and no dizziness. and as i was circling around and up i realized it wasnt bad at all and by the time i got to the parking garage area the panick was over. I made it worse in my mind than it was. which is what us anxiety sufferers do! thats why we have anxiety! haha. I really do hope this help also i wanted to give my opinion about the meds. you really have done the hard part without them and so for you to take them now, I just hope you can continue without them because some of the meds that are given for anxiety are highly addictive and some of them can make the anxiety worse. Im not trying to scare you from taking meds because they do help people, I just want you to know your options because the doctors dont tell you this stuff. good luck with everything!

Thanks michelle37 for the reply.

Its so true that we build up the anxiety WAY worse then it actually is. Its never as bad as we think its going be.

I also agree about the meds. I am trying to move forward with out them. I have done the worst part without them, the rest should be easier.

A couple positive things happened to me since my last post.

First, yesterday I went to Walgreens and was able to shop for the most part in the front half of the store (getting to the back of any big building is tough for me because I feel I can not get out fast if I need to). So as me and my girlfriend stayed in the front-half of Walgreens, I said screw it and went to the very back and looked at some stuff back there. I got kind anxious but stayed strong. Pretty pumped about that.

Then this morning, I forgot I was having a small party at my place tonight and I promised everybody I was going to smoke up some pork shoulder for pulled pork sandwiches.

So I was going to call my girlfriend and ask her if she could swing by the store to grab the pork shoulder (which by chance is at the very back of the store..OF COURSE. where else would it be for a person dealing with anxiety, haha)

But I told myself this is what Lucinda calls a practice opportunity. So I stayed positive and went to the store early before any rush. Now remember this is Albertsons which is MUCH larger then Walgreens, so I knew I had to be a bit stronger then the day before at Walgreens.

But I stayed positive and went to the very back of Albertsons and grabbed the meat and I was pretty good. Kind of got a small amount of anxiety but did good. I maybe hit a 2 on a scale out of 10.

Then when I got to the front to check out I forgot some apple cider vinegar-- so off to the back of the store again and felt just fine.

So I have been doing good. I am for the first time in many years feeling I am getting a hold of the beast. AGAIN

So whats up folks.

I don't really know if people like reading my posts.

But I have been doing pretty well lately. One of my biggest fears is when I walk to far from my house. Like I said before I can walk like a few hundred yards away--but anything further then that, I start to hyperventilate a little bit because I can not get home fast enough.

I am getting really sick and tired of this. I have been doing great on many fronts, but this walking thing is starting to get old.

It just feels like I will NEVER be comfortable walking any distance away from my house.

Like I mentioned earlier, I honestly know that the anxiety will not hurt me. I know this. But whats scary in having a hard time breathing. I mean gasping for air is scary. I don't know how people just "float" with this.