Stress Center Peer Support

There are many times that I find myself angry b/c I'm jealous of people that are very social. Right now, work is my only social environment. I find at most jobs, it takes me about a year to warm up to everyone and that is still at a distance.

There are many times I've found myself sitting at my desk in bitterness listening to the laughter around me of people I would like to be closer w/ but feel too afraid to initiate conversation. If i do i keep it brief.

I'm even more jealous of the new employees that just fall right into place and join others for lunch outings or to go sit in someone's office and chit chat when I've been here longer and known these people longer but i haven't been able to build the same relationship w/ anyone. And everyone likes me but watching these relationships build up around me had been depressing at times.

Much of the time I sit and hope they'd come to me, ask me to lunch or visit my desk. But I've found waiting gotten me nowhere. One girl directly reached out to me offering to have lunch w/ her anytime but it's been a year and I've never taken her up on it. Now her and another are getting closer and it's hard to watch.

To make it a little worse, I nabbed the new guy in the department. Or he nabbed me. Out of the very few men in the dept., he's the only young, attractive one and he's super social. So him and I are an item and, socially, he's all I have here. But b/c he's so social, he's all over the place chummin it up and my disorder makes me expect him to only do the bulk of his socializing w/ me. Socially, I feel like everyone around me is a threat. Like they'll take him away from me and I'll be alone. And the fact that most are women doesn't help. But I know the women aren't my issue. Because if my best friend started working here, I'd feel the same way. Like she has to only be close w/ me so I won't lose her. And I'd be jealous and resentful towards her anytime she seemed to be building relationships w/ others. Which is how I feel towards him sometimes.

My anxiety has diminished alot about this issue. I'm on session 9 now. So I do feel many times better but I still allow it to get to me at times. And I am socializing more comfortably now but I'm just not where I want to be yet.

Can anyone relate to any of this?
BH

I relate to you. I just get mad at myself for not being social. I can't imagine being myself in front of every person I ever meet. I'm always so tense, and though I've improved 100%, I still feel i'm not relaxed around ppl. It really sucks. I also know what you mean about taking time to warm up to ppl. Sometimes it takes 6 months or a year, or even a month with constant everyday contact, and I still feel tense around them. I hate it, but it's me.

Yeah, I can't imagine being myself around everyone either. But I'm trying little by little. The thing is, in the privacy of my home, I'm a loud goofy person w/ very high energy. My daughter always askin me to be quiet cuz she can't hear the TV or she doesn't want to hear me singing. In public, no one would ever know.

But the program is teaching me to first of all realize that being angry and jealous of others isn't going to make them more sensitive to my condition. And changing my expectations helps alot too. Now I guess I just have to do some initiating and eventually I'll find comfort in it.

Oh working with a bunch of women is the problem!!! LOL... That can be very difficult! I work from home now, but used to work in a small flower shop as a floral designer. 5 women. 3 of them were very good friends, always did after hours stuff together too. Myself and the other lady stuck together, and she was insecure like myself. We always felt like we didn't fit in. And we didn't. So we just did our jobs and we helped each other when we could. I would think about the people you work with and if someone seams like you and her would get along, do lunch together, or something like that. Sometimes it gets really not nice hanging with certian people. Maybe it is good you take your time and see who is trustworthy. I don't think thats a bad thing! But if your wanting more scoical activitys and this new guy is looking for something to do???
You can do this, Maybe these people are not the kind you would pick to be friends with anyway? Just because they work with you don't mean you have the same interest. I'm sure if you were more assertive you could join in with no problem, maybe your just not sure if you want to?
I don't think just because people are very social they are a threat. You have alot to offer your a good person, and probably are lots of fun. Don't sell your self short!!!

Maybe once you work on the self esteem it will all fall into place nicely. After all, that is the root of anxiety. Be yourself and be okay with who are. I do think you should continue to warm up to people and talk a little more. Never stop trying. I'm sure You are a great person! Not everyone has to talk the loudest or or stand out in the crowd! Or tell the best jokes...

Maybe you can turn this negative jealousy you have for the socializers and turn it into admiration. Admire these people for there social ability.
Your new beau has chosen YOU because he likes YOU for YOU remember that!
Opposites attract! I wish you all the best!

Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement! Your posts helped me to realize just now that sometimes I'm so stuck in past that I totally miss what's going on im my present. I have changed tremendously but I'm still in the habit of telling my sobb stories and feeling sorry for myself at times. And all it took was one trigger to take me back there.

I realize I made it out to be worse than it is. I don't feel like this everyday. Not anymore. I've been here over 2 yrs so I'm well past the 1 yr warm up stage. I work w/ absolutely wonderful women. No cattiness. Our department has about 22 great people to work with and we are a big work family. There's about 10 of us that are like a little family within the big one and I am part of that. My boyfriend is the only guy in that group of 10 and we don't want anyone to know were dating. It's obvious tho. We've been together for 14 months now. So he's not new either.

For a long time I had trouble over-reacting to his interaction w/ his female coworkers. But he's a very social & comedic guy so, female or male, he's gonna talk to people. I wanted him to be in the box I'd put myself in b/c of fear. I was afraid I'd lose his interest to people that are more social like himself. So it made me jealous of women that I really like and jealous of him too. Those feelings are gone, thru the program I believe. I've been able to go back to feeling like I felt before he came.

Basically, the problem was having to share my new boyfriend w/ all these women and none of them knowing. And me already being an anxious person made me over-react to anything. Then there were times I was so sure people knew we were dating so they were doing little harmless things to mess w/ me. But that's just the anxiety. They probably weren't even thinking about me. And if they were, so what. He picked me and he's a very trustworthy guy.

Now sure, I'd like to reach out a little more. And there is no doubt in my mind that if I invited myself along w/ anyone or asked them to have lunch w/ me, I wouldn't be rejected. They just know I have a habit of keeping to myself much of the time except for the days I'm feeling bubbly, so they don't ask me out anymore. But generally everyone thinks I'm a sweetheart. They're always giving me things and offering me food cuz they think it's cute that I'm the skinny girl that loves to eat. And I'm always invited to after work stuff. But I can rarely go b/c of no babysitter.

So it's not bad at all. It's great actually. My old feelings were just triggered by seeing my boyfriend sitting in the office of a girl that's part of our little circle and another lady in there also part of the circle. Chit chatting. I said hello as I walked by and they told me to come back and get him outta there. I just laughed as I kept on walking but my stomach instantly turned into a knot and I felt upset w/ him. So that's where all of this came from. He's the new person that just fell into place. He's in there havin a seat and as many times as I've had great conversations w/ this girl, I'm afraid to go sit down in her office and start up a conversation. I'll work on it.

But I can't take myself back to those past scary places everytime a present situation makes me feel weird. This is a learning experience in dealing w/ my anxiety and depression. And when I saw all of them hanging out, I could have stopped to join in or turned around when one yelled for me to come get him. But I shyed away. I can change that. So what if I seem nosy or intrusive. I don't even have any reason to feel that way b/c we are all pretty open w/ each other about our personal lives. Some of them even know about my struggles w/ anxiety and that I'm on meds.

And my boyfriend, he's been supportive of me thru all of the jealousy, and anger and anxiety I've experienced since we started dating and boy have I frustrated him way too many times w/ my scary thoughts, jumping to conclusions, high sensitivity and over-reacting. And he's still here, sweet and loving. These are the precious present moments I should be focusing on.

Your Welcome! Happy to help!
Glad to hear you are feeling better and realized
old behaviors! You caught it, that's the important part. Keep up the good work!

Good for you BH! You were able to work it out with your self. I think writing really does clairify our thoughts, and puts them on the right track. I'm glad you have a nice group to work with, that is extra support.

Thanks, THH.

It was really interesting to catch myself stuck in past negativity. After reading the responses I had to ask myself, "What did I tell these people?!" Then I went back and read it. I had gotten so caught up in negativity that I allowed it to take me over temporarily and having written down allowed me to review it. I've been writing for years. Since a pre-teen. It's always been great outlet for me.