Posted: Mon Dec 15, 2008 7:11 pm
Hello. When I signed in, I was anxious about beginning college...now I'm there, and I think that fear was mild.
About this time last month, I got a sore throat, which lasted two and a half weeks, on only one side. As it went on, two things held sway over it: the amount of sleep I'd had the night before (often little), and whether I was thinking, especially worrying about it or sometimes something else bodily related. When I got enough sleep and felt calmest, like on the weekends, with no classes to worry about and no alarm clock, it all but went away, only to come back on monday. I could literally make it go away by distracting myself and finding a reason to smile, and speaking of mornings, it was never there upon waking up, coming on as I went through the day expecting it. I saw the doctor three times, and each time, they reported just a little irritation and nothing to worry about, especially because it came with no other symptoms, not even little ones. Zero. It never developed into a cold, though it felt like something that was going to and was said to probably be a virus. Nothing, not one swollen gland.
Now here is my context: I am reaching the tail end of my first semester of college, some of the worst few months of my life thus far, if not the worst. I tried pursuing a major that I was very unfit for, even though I knew better, and the stress it has caused me is like none other. Combined with that, due to living in dorms, a new environment, and, in fact, a new country, I have got a few more colds than usual this fall (two). Everyone but my (unfairly lucky) roommate is in exactly the same boat, but that doesn't stop it from stressing me out even more. Every day, it feels like I'm waiting for more germs to get here. Waiting. Feeling incredible tension, like I want to scream and run away, but I can't. And then I got this sore throat for 2.5 weeks, which seemed like too long and scared me so much that I was barely able to leave my room. At that point, I arranged to change my major for a more suitable one next semester...and a few days later, it was gone. I could sleep more, feel happy, and do anything without worrying again.
And this week, a symptomless week and a half later, in the middle of finals, it came back after a night of almost zero sleep, same side of the throat, not at all severe, due to an impending, worrying early final. A day later, when I got my sleeping back on schedule, gone. I stopped worrying until last night, when I suddenly wondered, what if it comes back? What is it? Is there such a thing as sore throat chronic fatigue? What if it's something I've never even heard of? So, I entered "chronic sore throat" into Google...don't do it. Don't ever do it. I don't even want to talk about the sorts of things I found, but I have been trembling with fear and crying every night. I worried so much and concentrated on that area so much that it's sore again, almost negligibly, but still. Not gone, and now I'm afraid it will never go away. That I have something horrendous that will spread everywhere and that my body and mind will be destroyed. That I, a writer, will lose the ability to write--if I did, I would have nothing. What if not even doctors can help me?? Etc.
For what is usually such a small, non-worrisome ailment, this is hellish. I've never been so terrified in my entire life. I am waiting every minute for more horrible things to set in, and the tension all over my body is insane. If there are any typos in this post, it's because my hands are shaking; I tried to catch them all. Sorry.
About this time last month, I got a sore throat, which lasted two and a half weeks, on only one side. As it went on, two things held sway over it: the amount of sleep I'd had the night before (often little), and whether I was thinking, especially worrying about it or sometimes something else bodily related. When I got enough sleep and felt calmest, like on the weekends, with no classes to worry about and no alarm clock, it all but went away, only to come back on monday. I could literally make it go away by distracting myself and finding a reason to smile, and speaking of mornings, it was never there upon waking up, coming on as I went through the day expecting it. I saw the doctor three times, and each time, they reported just a little irritation and nothing to worry about, especially because it came with no other symptoms, not even little ones. Zero. It never developed into a cold, though it felt like something that was going to and was said to probably be a virus. Nothing, not one swollen gland.
Now here is my context: I am reaching the tail end of my first semester of college, some of the worst few months of my life thus far, if not the worst. I tried pursuing a major that I was very unfit for, even though I knew better, and the stress it has caused me is like none other. Combined with that, due to living in dorms, a new environment, and, in fact, a new country, I have got a few more colds than usual this fall (two). Everyone but my (unfairly lucky) roommate is in exactly the same boat, but that doesn't stop it from stressing me out even more. Every day, it feels like I'm waiting for more germs to get here. Waiting. Feeling incredible tension, like I want to scream and run away, but I can't. And then I got this sore throat for 2.5 weeks, which seemed like too long and scared me so much that I was barely able to leave my room. At that point, I arranged to change my major for a more suitable one next semester...and a few days later, it was gone. I could sleep more, feel happy, and do anything without worrying again.
And this week, a symptomless week and a half later, in the middle of finals, it came back after a night of almost zero sleep, same side of the throat, not at all severe, due to an impending, worrying early final. A day later, when I got my sleeping back on schedule, gone. I stopped worrying until last night, when I suddenly wondered, what if it comes back? What is it? Is there such a thing as sore throat chronic fatigue? What if it's something I've never even heard of? So, I entered "chronic sore throat" into Google...don't do it. Don't ever do it. I don't even want to talk about the sorts of things I found, but I have been trembling with fear and crying every night. I worried so much and concentrated on that area so much that it's sore again, almost negligibly, but still. Not gone, and now I'm afraid it will never go away. That I have something horrendous that will spread everywhere and that my body and mind will be destroyed. That I, a writer, will lose the ability to write--if I did, I would have nothing. What if not even doctors can help me?? Etc.
For what is usually such a small, non-worrisome ailment, this is hellish. I've never been so terrified in my entire life. I am waiting every minute for more horrible things to set in, and the tension all over my body is insane. If there are any typos in this post, it's because my hands are shaking; I tried to catch them all. Sorry.