Stress Center Peer Support

I was formerly friends with a girl in my grad program. We got into a fight and I said some really mean things in public in front of some people in our program and in private to her. I had been drinking, although I know this is not an excuse. Our program is a cohort and is very cliquey. This was at a professional conference with our whole cohort and everybody found out. Everybody ignored me afterwards and it has been difficult to talk to anybody since. I am definately an outcast in the group, which is hard because I am shy to begin with and it took me a long time before I felt comfortable in this group. I apologized to the my former friend, sincerely, but she has not talked to me since. I am scared because I can not handle being the outcast in the group. I know I am a sensitive person and this has been very hard on me. also, i have had this pattern happen in my life before. once i start getting insecure then i think everyone doesn't like me. Does anybody have any advice or opinions?

Hi Meme,

I know how you feel. In high school, I was always the outcast. I would say things without thinking and somehow ended up with many, many people, often at the same time, against me and upset with me. It was so hard for me to deal with, because somehow I would always end up the bad guy in my friendships and I went through many days of the cold shoulders and nasty glances my way. I am thankful to say that high school is over, but I still really don't have many friends. The friends I do have now I've done a good job of keeping, but I think in an educational environment, or even a work environment, it's hard for a group of women to be friends without some catty BS happening. The thing is, some people grow up and some never do. And I've met women in their 40's even, who even at that age, can't play nice in a friendship.

At the job I just recently had, there was a lot of drama and trash talking. I wont say I didn't participate in it, I definitely did and I wish I hadn't. Something my mom always told me was that you go to work/school, you do your work, you be civil to your co-workers/peers, and you go home where your real friends are. I really never liked that, because when you spend so much time doing something, such as working or going to school, you want to make close friends due to the fact that you're all together and everyone likes having a friend, even my boyfriend who doesn't have ANY friends and claims he doesn't need them.

I understand your pain. It's very hard going somewhere for that many hours a week and not having a friend there. Most men don't have a problem with it, but women definitely do. I can't blame you. The thing is, you did something you admit was wrong and out of hand. You apologized. Right now, the ball is in this girls court and as much as it sucks, you just kind of have to wait it out and see what happens. It's not right for the entire group to be mad at you, but that's also another thing women do. We like to pick sides. Don't put more blame on yourself! Don't care what those others girls think, they don't even have a reason to dislike you, you didn't do anything to them. They're just playing that fun catty girl's game of picking a team. Forget them. You did the right thing by apologizing and unfortunately that's all you can do as of right now.

Sometimes we blame ourselves for things that are not our faults. It sounds to me like you're placing a lot of blame on yourself. I think if you give it some time and look back on this, you'll see that these girls really make no difference on whether or not you do well in your graduate program or not. They aren't even the ones you need to work on impressing. I think all of them turning on you is really immature and is a pretty sad behavior that they have to live with!

Karilynn,
Thank you so much for your response...it made me feel a lot better knowing I have some support and that I'm not totally wrong.

I agree with everything you said...even though what your mom said is right, I always wanted to make close friends in school/work too. Yet it does seem like in order to make friends at these places you do have to get involved in the drama, especially for women. I just hate being the center of that drama:( but I'm sure God has a lesson in it somewhere for me!

Every day is a struggle in class but I know I will eventually get through this...I appreciate your support.

hugs and kisses to you to! Meme

Hi Meme, I for one wish that women would stop doing this to oneanother. Men don't seem to play this stupid game that women do. All us women would be so much better off and not be so nervous and anxious all the time if we could all get along and give each other encourgement and forgiveness. Hang in there, if I know anything it is that they will find someone else to pick on pretty soon.

Meme,

You are welcome for the response! I really do feel for you, I know how upsetting it can be to be in that position. I was thinking about your situation today and I just really hope you realize that someday this wont something you have a care about. Time really does heal every wound and eventually these girls are going to get bored and move on to the next thing. You wont be the outcast forever. Just focus on your school work and live through this! Learn the lesson from it, but learn both sides. Learn that maybe you think before you say something to another person and learn that women can be horribly immature and that every girl who is against you right now, all except for one, have no reason to be. Make sure you really take that into consideration. You will be just fine and this will blow over, just give it some time to do so, ok? Best of luck! You're a good person, you just slipped up and we all do that, you're human, so what, big deal, learn from it and move on.

I'm a woman with only 2 women friends and one is in Canada (I'm in USA) and the other is about 3 hours away and I just met her 2 days ago. I have invariably picked women friends in the past who either use me or feel superior to me. I get along better wtih men, find them more interesting to talk with in a group and my husband has been and IS my BEST friend I've ever had (18 1/2 years; 2nd marriage for both). I was/am so tempted to say to you "with friends like that, who needs enemies?" but I really don't know you or your whole situation. I guess I just really want to say to you, that if your apology was sincerely meant and delivered by you and they are still acting like that, then you just don't deserve it, but there it is so it's up to you how long you want to wait for things to change, or what you want to do. I'm so sick of some women being so cold to each other and SO gossipy! Best hopes 4 U!

Thanks Sybil! It's not only women though who are in my cohort, I don't know how I got that idea started.
Actually, today things were better...perhaps I think I was acting guilty and people could see right through me in combination with my what happened in my situation. I had to give an oral presentation today and I did it confidently and afterwards I could tell people responded better to me. But I still don't want to keep living my life on what other people think of me. I am trying to learn how though...it seems the older I get the easier it gets, but it is still hard!
Thank you for your support. Good luck with your struggles (whatever they may be) too!

Karilynn - really excellent advice!

Meme23 - you mentioned this has been a pattern for you - sometimes I think life keeps repeating the same lesson until we truly understand the problem and how we contribute to it. If you can figure out why you said those hurtful things - maybe you were angry and wanted to hurt her, maybe you were jealous, maybe you were in a bad mood, maybe the alcohol was talking, maybe you were just thoughtless?

No matter what the reason, if you really want to move forward and start to have real, lasting relationships, with awesome people who will support you and make you a better person, you have to treat your friends with respect at all times. If they are not treating you with respect, wish them luck and surround yourself with people who will.

If you are upset or angry with friends and say things you later regret, next time you feel like saying something hurtful or betraying someone's trust, force yourself to stop and walk away - go write down your feelings, talk to someone calm that you trust to give you honest advice (not just what you want to hear), and ask them how you should approach the issue.

Don't react emotionally - if there is a REAL issue, it will still be there later when you are calm, and you can try to figure out the best way to solve the problem.

If it wasn't a big deal, you will be able to brush it off, and be so proud of yourself that you didn't say things you didn't really mean!

You did a great thing by apologizing - that is a big step. Keep the positive mood going by treating everyone around you as nice as you can - there are probably other "outcasts" around who would appreciate a bit of kindness.

Eventually people will come around, and see that you are a good person, you just made some mistakes.

Just remember: when you are back "in" - how unfair it was to be "out". Don't think in or out, just be you.

Good luck,

Heather