Stress Center Peer Support

Hi everyone,
It has been some months since I last posted, but I find myself returning to this forum because I am having a very hard time getting past my anxiety. I really don't want to go the medication route, though I never really feel "healthy" and I'm always fatigued. I have a host of medical symptoms (IBS, panic attacks (only in certain circumstances, like driving long distances alone or when home alone at night, and chronic nasal congestion and sinus infections).
Overall, I feel like I'm "stuck" in life: My marriage to my (wonderful) husband is going on two years, but we have issues with intimacy (I'm ultimately afraid of "not being in control" and I also have low self-esteem) and even though he tries to understand my anxiety, he is getting impatient. Further, I really do want to get over all of this and try and start a family (I am going on 31, my husband is almost 36). But I have this fear of being pregnant (what if something goes wrong? I was a preemie baby and that's all I ever heard about growing up --how I was lucky I survived)--not to mention a very strong fear of actually giving birth, since I have a discomfort with my sexuality in general. Plus, medical environments completely unsettle me and freak me out.
Which brings me to my fear about health overall. Whenever something bad happens to someone I love or know, I tend to internalize their suffering and, as selfish as it sounds, start to "fear" for my own health. I keep on wondering "when is the other shoe going to drop?" I know this is irrational, especially since I am still young. I think doctors I've seen think I'm neurotic and develop psycho-somatic symptoms: About a year ago, I had a panic attack and went to the ER, and the doctor I saw (who had known me since my childhood and had since retired but still worked the ER)said, "Do you EVER relax?" and tried to get me to do some relaxation exercises in the examining room (he also said he thought my problem was partly genetic - he was my mom's doctor and said he knew that she was also quite an anxious personality). They hunted for a physical cause for my anxiety through blood tests and thyroid tests, but couldn't find anything. So, it appears this is all the result of my faulty thinking.
To self-medicate, I shop. To excess. Not big-budget items, but just smaller things (like new clothes). This makes me feel better. When I wear the outfits, I feel "successful" and "with it" and "professional" and "competent." But I know it's just a cover-up for low self-worth. Right now, I'm a little over $2,000 in debt. Because I live in a small Stress town, the only jobs I would be able to get are menial. Luckily, I do have a part-time job I enjoy (working at the local library) but it only pays minimum wage and is about 11 hours per week (sometimes slightly more). With my background as a journalist, I am thinking of starting my own business as a grant-writer for performing arts/non-profit businesses in my area, but I will need training and lots of self-confidence to get that going. I really feel like that if I invest myself in something meaningful a lot of this anxiety will cease to occupy my thoughts.
Do any of you relate to this? I often find myself thinking "When I get healthy I will establish true and healthy intimacy with my husband (and confidence in myself), have at least one child (I'd also like to adopt), and start my dream career because I think I have the intellect and drive that is hiding within me and is trying to break free. (I think they call this "divine discontent."). Yet I still feel stuck in a rut and sometimes like it's hopeless -- like my fears will win and that I'll never feel any better. I envy people (like my younger sister, who is married, works a high-paying professional full-time job, and has two young sons), who seemed to have not been struck with the "anxiety gene" that I have, who seem to take "life by the horns" and not let their fears or lack of confidence overpower them. I think I have a huge amount of untapped potential..that is probably the saddest part of all of this. Part of me thinks: If I just relax and enjoy my life, and try to do what I can to be successful in various parts of my life, and take things as they come, wouldn't I be at a much better place in terms of my mental health? I do know that I don't want to be this emotionally fragile if and when I do have a child of my own. I grew up internalizing my mother's anxieties, and I don't want to pass that tendancy onto my own children, should I have one or more.
Does anyone have any advice or any thoughts (or can anyone relate to all of this?). My husband insists, "You need to have confidence in yourself. I believe in you, but you need to believe in you. You can handle things, because you're smart, and once you realize that you can handle anything, you will start to feel better." I really want to believe what he says, but I'm so deeply mired in this emotional junk. Is there really a light at the end of the tunnel? For those of you who have gotten there, how did you do it?

My wife tells me she will believe in me until I believe in myself again. It takes time. You and your spouse have to be patient.

I read a wonderful book that has helped me through a number of health issues including severe back pain and chronic nasal congestion. It also helps with self confidence because it teaches you how powerful your mind is.

It is a simple and interesting read:
Dr. Sarno
Mind, Body, Prescription.

His book is also helping with the anxiety/depression issue.

Hope it helps.

Oh, Flaxenfire, Do I understand your post!!!! I can relate to every aspect with the exception of the fearing childbirth. I've had 4 children and really it was my last one that I had some anxiety with, but all was fine.... No drugs for me though, or I'd go over the edge. Your post has actually helped me to calm down this morning, as mornings are harder than the rest of my day... Once my husband and daughter leave for work and school and it's just my son and I, the crying starts... The fear of being alone and worry, just consume me. (I don't think pms helps either!) If you ever need to talk, let me know.... You can email me if you want as well. angieh@maine.rr.com I wonder everyday if this is the day I'll feel "normal" again?! After almost 6 years of this, I'm tired and I know you are too. Take care, my Friend. Tysmom (angie)

I can relate to the crying, especially during PMS!!

I have three children, the youngest is a senior. I also had to close my business of 25 years this year, ran into a scam artist. Got my Dad and brother involved to the tune of $50,000, my house is being foreclosed on. It seems like everything I ever knew is gone. I never had time to think about myself, I always had to be strong for my children. Single mom, Dad didn't have much to do with the kids when they were growing up. I always considered myself extremely strong - but now it seems like I am always down and negative! I have not started the program, just ordered. I really hope it helps me feel better, I am to young and really want to enjoy life again!

I can totally relate to the health anxiety. I'm the one (you have probably read from previous posts) who has atrial fibrillation and has encountered all the weird reactions to medicine that I'm taking for my heart and to antibiotics lately (blue hands, horrible rashes). The latest, and even I am somewhat laughing at myself, is that I think I have a hemorrhoid or a skin tag down there and I am convinced it is a tumor. Because of my atrial fib and heart medication, I can't take steroids, but I finally convinced myself last night that the amount of steroid in a suppository or in a hemorrhoid cream is likely not going to engage my heart. And, the doctor said I can take Claritin or Alavert for my horrible allergies, but when I took one yesterday, I had some weird feelings in my chest, so I'm not sure I want to take that again. So, please be assured that you are not alone, there are those of us who appreciate what you are going through and can definitely relate.

My gosh, you all sound like me. I am fairly new here and have only made a few posts. I have a number of minor health issues as well but my brain has turned them all into major killer problems.
I have recently been reassured via MRI that I do NOT have a brain tumor despite the creepy crawlies on my scalp and awful migraines.

I had a tummy bug the other day and until my hubby got it as well, I was convinced I was going into liver failure from the preventative headache med I take.
And today? well today my right leg aches and has gone partially numb from the knee down.........so I just must have a blood clot which will lead to a pulmonary embolism..right?

It all sounds silly when I write it out. I'm not mocking anyone except myself here.
My generalized health fears all center around my fear of collapsing, fainting, or dying while my two small children are left to fend for themselves either at home or in public.

Maybe we can all conquer this together. i am glad to see that i am not alone.

I really don't think there is anything anyone of us can say that will convince you (if that is a good word to use) because as an anxious sufferer I know that when I read the forums it does help-but its temporary. Since the starting the program I am better about my anxiety but not "healed". I recently came across a book called Living well with anxiety - the things your doctor doesn't tell you. Of course the title scared me but when I started to read it - I found it to be comforting. It isn't like the program (although they are on the same page as the program).

It gives you information on different medications, herbs, excersize etc... It is very specific, for example if your fear is flying it tells what you can take (naturally) that may ease your mind/anxiety. It gives a lot of very good affirmations to use - based on a specific fear or anxiety producing fear/phobia.

This book is more on the medical side rather than pschological side.

I hope this helps.....