I so understand what you meant, when you said "I'm afraid to get better". I too went thru the same exact thing. For me, what that same exact phrase meant was - "I WANT TO BE BETTER - HOWEVER, I'M AFRAID OF WHAT GETTING BETTER/RECOVERED WILL ENTAIL = I'M AFRAID OF WHAT I'LL NEED TO ENDURE/ADDRESS/FACE/FEEL/CHANGE TO GET BETTER/RECOVER". So, pls know - you are so on the right track - be proud of yourself - honestly - you're inquiring - you're reaching out - you're searching for <span class="ev_code_RED">TRUTHS, GREATER THAN THE ABSOLUTE LIES/NONSENSE ANXIETY DISORDER TRIES TO MAKE US ALL FEEL.</span> Anxiety disorder is losing baby ^^^^^^^^^^5!
My #1 motivation for recovery was ME REMEMBERING WHAT ANXIETY DID TO ME + HOW IT MADE ME FEEL + THE POOR QUALITY OF LIFE I HAD + THE FACT THAT, W/ ANXIETY DISORDER - I WAS "EXISTING" NOT LIVING.
<span class="ev_code_RED">EX: when my anxiety disorder triggered, it was right after I had surgery for the 1st time in April 2005. It came hard & fast = w/in 3 days of getting home. Now, I had the mental where w/ all to know WHAT EVER THIS THING WAS - it wasn't physical. You see, right b/4 you have surgery - the run every kind of test you can imagine. I took action right away. I printed a list of THERAPISTS/PSYCHIATRISTS covered under our med ins. My reg dr made a gen'l diagnosis = ANXIETY DISORDER. I then, scheduled an appt w/ a psychiatrist. W/ in several initial sessions, I was diagnosed: anxiety disorder + panic attacks + PTSD(fr several things). Both of these medical professionals I saw, whom have never spoken to eachother about me - informed me my case was 1 of the worst they had ever seen. My anxiety disorder was so bad, I couldn't work - for the 1st time in my adult life(I was 37 @ the time) I couldn't work - I just wasn't capable - a fact that scared me/numbed me to my core. My anxiety disorder inhibited me + restricted me + paralized me in absolute terrifying fear + my anxiety disorder made me TOTALLY dependant on my husband for just about everything. I had a terrible existence & all these things combined - HURT MY HEART. I was never ever a needy/clingy woman. Heck, I lived on my own for 10 yrs b/4 I got married + worked ft + put myself thru college & graduated - anxiety disorder took away fr me what I loved the mose = MY INDEPENDANCE & MY SELF SUFFICIENCY. Because of the extreme state I was in, I needed to CONSIDER medication. I had never needed to take anything in my life. In addition, because of where I grew up & the environment I did - I had apprehensions about med's & drugs - I saw a lot of people's lives ruined because of drug abuse w/ prescription meds & illegal drugs - & I never wanted that to be me. After much consultation, I agreed to go on anxiety med @ 3x's per day - out of necessity. In addition, I was experiencing severe sleep deprivation ='g 1-2 hrs of sleep per every 24 hrs. I had ONE STIPULATION: if I was going to take meds - it wouldn't be FOREVER for me - meaning, we were going to do whatever we had to & go whereever my therapist needed to - so I wouldn't have to. My therapist asked me what it feels like, my anxiety disorder. I replied, "it feels like I am in a black abyss by myself. It feels like being in the depths of hell, having Satan look me in the eye laughing & having the courage to walk away - saying NO I AM A CHILD OF GOD & YOU SHALL NOT WIN. My anxiety disorder feels like this: leaving my house early in the morning, like folks do going to work. I just exit my house, closing the door behind me. W/ my back against the closed door of my house behind me = w/ my back against the door & my chest/front of body facing the street. @ that very moment, I AM ALONE IN THE WORLD - THE ONLY ONE ON THE PLANET - ONLY ME." It was hard, tough, bad, extreme = it was all those things & more, lord it was, lol. I don't even have words that could accurately describe the level of fear I was living w/ CONSTANTLY, 24/7. In therapy, where my journey to recovery started & was delicately directed by my therapist, I needed to go to the place I feared MOST OF ALL = my childhood. I had experienced a lot of traumatic things, things I hadn't even taken into consideration as to the emotional ramifications on me - all things I didn't want to SAY OUT LOUD. You see, if I said it out loud - then , THEY BECOME TRUE = meaning, I admitt them to myself & then I'd need to experience THE EMOTIONS I had never been able to for all those events. THIS WAS MY GREATEST FEAR OF ALL. After initiating therapy, I TURNED IT ALL OVER TO GOD. I respectfully am not preaching religion here - as to my respecting everyone. For me, this thing felt beyond me - beyond my control. I didn't understand it & as a result, I feared THIS THING BEING MY FOREVER. I didn't ask GOD to take it away. Rather, I stated that I was WILLING to do whatever he felt & knew was best for me. I let him know I was afraid & to pls be my strength when I couldn't be strong - I asked him to guide me - SHOW ME THE WAY, cause HECK, LOL - I had no clue what to do, honest. As painful as therapy was, I was back to every single session, EVERY WEEK - I never missed ONE SESSION - as hard as it was. I told my therapist - "every session I do come to, brings me 1 session closer to where I don't have to come anymore or see his face, hahahhaha. He would impart great knowledge on me as we discussed many things - not only w/ my childhood, but also w/ anxiety disorder as a whole = theories & logic. You see, w/ me - I have to prove myself right - in other words, I needed to conceptually understand what he was saying & I had to find out for myself - I couldn't just take his word for it. So, THEN, I initiated JOURNALING - every single day. This was instrumental. Journaling TAUGHT me to get intuned w/ what I was thinking & feeling. In addition, it taught me to not be afraid of what I was thinking & feeling & TO FEEL IT. For when I do, I am no longer a prisoner to that fear - cause I faced it dead on. Then, after initiating journaling, I decided to go about understanding this ANXIETY DISORDER THING, lol - I went to BARNES & NOBLE - thru a specific time span, I read 16 books on anxiety disorder(not obviously all at once). Pls understand, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER - KNOWLEDGE IS ALL ABOUT EMPOWERMENT - KNOWLEDGE IS THE "CRYPTONITE" TO ANXIETY DISORDER. Oh lord, lol - I read so many darn books & was so sick of reading, can you imagine - I felt like a child does w/ GREEN VEGGIES, HAHAH. Remember, while all this was going on - I was home, not working, while my husband, my extended family(inlaws), friends - ALL WERE WORKING & going about their lives = spouses, children, jobs, homes, etc - I was home alone for 3 yrs DOING RECOVERY HOMEWORK as I call it. There were so many times, when having to confront my fears, which majority stemmed fr incidences fr childhood, I was so literally afraid - my knees would shake - like wobbly like - almost like I couldn't hold myself up. ONE OF THE MOST PAINFUL FEARS I WAS ABLE TO BRING UP FR MY SUBCONSCIOUS WAS - I had a fear of being alone & abandoned, having experienced it in childhood. Now imagine having this ephianny(sp) while home - alone & not working, w/ severe anxiety disorder - it was terrifying. Was it hard, HELL YES. Was it necessary - INSTRUMENTAL TO MY RECOVERY. </span>
The reason I shared the above ^^^^ w/ you is to try to inspire you all + to help you muster up the courage I know you all have - to show you that ANXIETY DISORDER LIES - I know there is pain & I know what facing the fear is like - hell, just the thought of having to so can CONVINCE A PERSON/SUFFERER THAT LIVING IN THE ABSOLUTE HELL OF AN EXISTENCE THAT IS ANXIETY DISORDER IS BETTER - pls pls believe me its not. Lucinda says it in the program: the anxiety we feel w/ anxiety disorder + the anxiety we feel w/ facing our fears ARE BOTH HARD & PAINFUL - yet only one gives you your freedom - RECOVERY. This isn't an instaneous process - its gradual & very methodical, so as to not overwhelm you emotionally. I am no superhero - I am just a woman who was paralized by anxiety disorder - who is now RECOVERED - started back in WORKING U.S.A just over 1 month ago - I haven't taken an anxiety med or sleeping aid in almost 20mths+. I simply didn't like how I was feeling - I didn't like what anxiety disorder was doing to me + the existence I was living + the poor quality of life I had + being so dependant on my husband - emotionally dependant on just about everyone else but myself. I didn't, as I spoke to God that 1 day, WANT THIS TO BE MY FOREVER. So, I fought like hell - w/ my motivation being I WANTED TO FEEL BETTER - I WANTED MORE THAN THIS EXISTENCE ANXIETY DISORDER WAS ATTEMPTING TO CREATE FOR ME - I didn't want to be in an emotional prison anymore. I didn't want to be filled w/ so much fear, w/ adding to that my FEAR OF FEAR, lol if that makes sense. Anxiety disorder will try to create AN EXISTENCE, A STATE OF BEING if you will - where there is nothing but FEAR 24/7 + SELF DOUBT + NEGATIVITY + DEPENDENCY + LACK OF SELF LOVE - you see guys, my MOTIVATION every single step/day/week/month/yr-for 3yrs was quite simply was NOT WANTING TO FEEL THOSE THINGS ANYMORE. I wasn't ok for myself - w/ myself, by myself - in my own company & that hurt my heart & lord, it made me cry. The only person in life you're GUARANTEED w/ is YOU - you will always have you. Not only was anxiety disorder making me feel all those things, I didn't love myself - I didn't trust myself or my own capabilities - I sought those things out fr EVERYONE ELSE - i SOUGHT THEIR VALIDATION OF ME - they needed to tell me these things for me to believe them & still, I didn't.
I wanted more for me - I wanted more than ALL THE THINGS ANXIETY DISORDER was giving me + making me feel + think + react - I felt as though life was passing me by - again, so I fought like hell.
BECAUSE of all the cumulative things w/ regards to anxiety disorder - I MADE RECOVERY FR ANXIETY DISORDER MY #1 PRIORITY - out of sheer necessity, as dictated by recovery in gen'l - for the 1st time in my life - I PUT MYSELF 1ST. In Nov-2006, I purchased Lucinda's program - I was ready to face myself - I was being the grownup - willing to accept self accountability & responsibility for ME. I completed her program the 1st time in March 2007 - I'm currently going thru it again, as a refresher which is totally cool. There was nothing more important to me - than GETTING BACK INTO LIFE - GETTING MY FREEDOM FR THE EMOTIONAL PRISON I WAS IN - nothing, & I mean absolutely nothing. I needed to do it 1st & foremost for ME. Then, I wanted to do it for my husband/us as a family - it wasn't only me going thru this - his life was effected as well.
I know you've all heard this before & when its you going thru the beginnings of anxiety disorder - its not believable, lol - butttttt(of course there's a but
) YOU HAVE TO FACE YOUR FEARS - you need to face your fears - feel the symptoms & do such & such anyway - knowing, THOSE SYMPTOMS WON'T HURT YOU - I promise you. Look at me - use me as an ex for you - maybe a role model - I had 1 of the absolute worst cases - I had 1 of the most extreme childhoods to address w/ emotional issues coming out of everywhere, lol - I faced it all - I faced myself - WAS IT HARD - YES, I won't lie - was it painful? yes, I won't lie. BUT GUYS, I'M FREE & YOU CAN BE TOO - no BS, just pure honesty here. We can all give you advice - a sense of direction maybe. However, it is you on an individual basis that has to do the work.
There are so many examples of HOW DARN GOOD RECOVERY FEELS - let me give you one(bare w/ me - I know this is long, lol ):
<span class="ev_code_RED">EX: I was in work the other day - now, I am a people person - always have been. I've very at ease w/ people & have no problem talking, etc. I have a happy persona - hell, lets get real, I just got out of emotional prison, so I was happier than a pig in poopy, hahah. A customer came in - & I greeted them as is me & my personality. Do you want to know what this customer said to me? Literally & honestly? This customer said(jokingly), "gosh, you're too darn happy - maybe they could bottle you up or record your voice - so everyday when I wake up I CAN HAVE THAT TOO".</span> The irony in that moment, that gift of a moment, was ANXIETY DIDN'T BEAT ME - I went fr 3 yrs ago being so negative & unhappy - to now, a customer wanting to bottle up whatever makes me me - THAT IS WHAT RECOVERY IS. Let me tell you, I went outside - requesting a break - I almost cried & doing a jig of a dance - IN PRIDE FOR MYSELF.
Make recovery your #1 priority - @ whatever the cost. There is nothing stronger than the WILL OF A HUMAN - NOTHING STRONGER THAN THE POWER OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT - if you want it, find a way. Don't believe the lies of anxiety disorder - THEY ARE NONSENSE. There is a light @ the end, you can all have that moment again where you're laughing hard fr your belly - FIGHT LIKE HELL.
In friendship, blessing, & RECOVERY FOR YOU ALL,
LENORE
Shelly