Stress Center Peer Support

I am concerned about my 8 year old daughter and wondering if this is normal or not.

She is fearful of being alone especially at night. She prefers not to even brush her teeth without me in that area of the house. Actually our house is not that big, but she'll either bring her toothbrush in where I'm getting ready, or suggest I need to help her little brother brush his so we're all together. Her and her 5 year old brother sleep together even though they have their own rooms. They always have except for brief periods of time where I convince them to each sleep on their own.

The toilet in their bathroom is sort of noisy. She rarely flushes it and I haven't been able to understand why. Finally this morning she said becuase it's loud and because she's afraid it will wake up something in her closet and it will come get her.

Is this normal for her age? I have had trouble with anxiety and panic most of my adult life, and remember being frightened of things as a kid, but I don't think my parents would "put up with" that sort of thing so I just had to get past it (I recall being afraid to go down the hall in the dark but my father would insist if he needed something from his room)

I have had counseling and it helps but I am hesitant to have her do that this young for fear she'll think there's "something wrong" with her, if that makes sense.

What do you suggest?

Hello Faith,
I am no doctor. My response comes from the heart and my experiences with my three girls that range from age 3-11. I think that when a parent goes through depression and anxiety we can unintentionally expose our children to episodes of anxiety and depression. Children watch us and sometimes they emulate what they see. Right now i'm worried about my oldest. She very moody and very sad. So i don't know if its hormonal( the change) or if she is prone to be depressed.

I would talk to her. Have some mommy and daughter time alone from everyone else and question why she does not like to be alone. Maybe she is scared of the boogie monster or something. Maybe she just likes to be around people she loves and know. She may even grow out of it soon.

If you don't get any answers and you feel like it is completely getting out of control, maybe talk to her doctor, ask questions about normal behavior and what you should do.

Remember there was no handbook to raising kids, or at least i didn't read it. We do the best we can just by loving and supporting them. I will keep you and your daughter in my thoughts.

Hi faith, My daughter is the same way. She is 7. She will not take a shower, brush her teeth if Im not there. she will even come out of the shower to check if Im still outside the door like I said I would be(our routine is I sit on the bed outside the bathroom while she baths) I guess I do this so that she will shower and know Im there with out actually staying in the bathroom. I see it as just being her personality I guess. She has 3 other siblings and my house is never still but she still wants me there, even if she has to get something from her room and no one is in there she will not go alone. She shares a room with her sister and will not go in her room unless she is there,even to sleep. I at this point I dont think its a problem because she will go to school ok and go over a friends house fine, its just when she is home. Her social skills seem fine when Im not there. Im thinking maybe its a phase she is going through. Is your daughter fine at school and with friends? Sometimes I think my daughter just wants all of my attention. I too have had anxiety all my life and keep a close eye on my kids to see if they show signs. I hope that I helped a little and im thinking in my case that it is normal and one of the phases that kids go through. If its on your mind and you need to ease your mind talk to your pediatrition. Mine has always been good to talk to about behavior. Having 4 kids there are many times I have turned to him.

Hi faith,
I used to be terrified of what was in the closet- the door had to be shut for me to sleep- and I hated my folks' bathroom for same reason. And to be honest, I'm 38 and sometimes can't stand to be alone. My mind still wonders and wanders, just not about the boogie man anymore.
For me, I think that praise or positive confirmation for things done well has always helped give me encouragement to step out there a little more. Maybe get her started brushing teeth and tell her you need to check on something and will be right back. Make it a little longer absence as she gets comfortable.
Talking always helps me. My son is eight and worries, so I try to bring up a topic that I know is on his mind- like the teacher told us another kid was picking on him. I just brought up one day that when I was a kid, there was a boy that loved to pick on me and call me names. He opened up about it, hopefully b/c he thought I could relate and we had a good chat about different ways to handle it.
Hope some of this helps. Bev

Originally posted by Nicholene:
Im thinking maybe its a phase she is going through. Is your daughter fine at school and with friends? Sometimes I think my daughter just wants all of my attention.

She's just fine with other kids. She did get homesick at camp (sleep-over camp) this summer, after our music director scared them all with the sound of a bobcat, and told me she may not want to go back.

She'll brush her teeth when her little brother is in there with her, just doesn't like to be alone.

I posted a question to the allexperts. . .and that person suggested counseling. . .but I'm not sure I want to go there yet!

Maybe her scare at sleepover camp is why she is being a little scared right now, maybe talk to her about that. Now that I really think about it my older kids have started watching scarry movies this summer with friends.(another phase older kids go through)Movies Like One Missed Call and the other summer movies. She has not seen them because she is way too young but they do talk about the movies and Im sure she hears them. Wow you just helped me out, Im going to talk to her about that and Ill let you know because she has not always been this clingy twards me. Maybe your daughters camp experience did scare her a bit. Just a thought. Keep us posted, talking to other parents is always helpful.

Yes it sure is. My IRL friend suggested I stop letting them watch so many movies but the stuff we're watching isn't that scary. Her kids were upset by the movie Air Buddies when the dog got kidnapped. Mine don't seem to be that upset by it.

Hi Faith:
My oldest is 8 years old too (his brother is almost 5), and gosh it just sounds to me like your daughter is going through an uncertain or insecure period. Did she do this before the camp experience?

If it were me, I don't think I would schedule a therapist just yet, if she seems content most of the rest of the time and it is not hugely interfering with her life. Frequently my son will get out of bed before he is asleep and say he is scared. He will say he is thinking about death or he doesn't know why he is scared. I am so glad I have done this program because I have used all the tricks Lucinda suggests of flushing scary thoughts down the toilet, or taking them myself. I explained that especially at night his mind is bored and coming up with scary thoughts, so I tell him to count backwards from 100 or re-live a fun thing he did that day. I try to be really re-assuring (instead of my gut reaction of "oh no, he'll get it too...have I done this to him?"). Usually after an extra hug, he goes back to be fine. Maybe you could move teeth brushing to earlier in the evening, after dinner or something so it is not so late. I think it is normal for kids to be a little scared at bedtime, and to like company of people they love. Keep us posted,
formerly Sleepless Mom

Yeah, but she doesn't like brushing teeth in the morning either. It's really any time. She seems fine with other people though.

I DEFINITELY think "oh no, she has it too!" thoughts. . . I do what I can to reassure her and tell her it's a "boo voice" in her head and to just say "whatever" when she hears those thoughts. Sometimes that helps. Or I'll tell her the thoughts are like Chicken Little and how silly Chicken Little is. . .everyone ignores him.

I talked to a grandmother at work that is also raising her grandson and she said it's really normal at 8 to have fears.

So hopefully it's just a phase. But, she's had issues like this forever. I'll just have to try to help her learn the tools I've learned. She is very imaginative like me.

Faith,

I get the "oh no, he's got it too" thoughts with my 7yr old son sometimes. The beauty of it is that you're aware and can help your child cope. That encourages me. When my son comes to me with irrational scary thoughts in the middle of the night, I get out of bed and go lay down with him. We lay on our backs have some Father-Son dialog and I talk him off the cliff so to speak. Then we say "Good dreams" and I go back to my bed. That works every time.

With the tooth brushing, I say make the most of that time and don't make a big deal of it. Sit next to her on the toilet and chat with her about the day or anything while she's brushing. I'm no expert either, but I do think that the bigger deal we make about things the bigger they become. If she had a ton of other social issues then there may be room for concern. This sounds like an opportunity to me. Your concern proves you're a great mom and will take any necessary action should things get out of hand.

"Good Dreams"