Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 2:53 pm
So I am starting lesson two. I'm actually proud of myself not trying to finish the whole thing in the first week, I tend to rush stuff. Anyway, the recommendation of keeping a journal was helpful, but thanks to two of my good friends I had already been doing so since 2000. Something I hadn't done until recently however was really analyze the source of my anxiety while writing. I finally know what it is. I love my job, it was difficult at first as a financial representative you sometimes have to sell your ideas to hard-nosed individuals and trying to get all the tasks necessitated in one day's time can be a slight burden as well, but I love it and see myself in the field for awhile. I love my home, I recently started to design some art pieces I plan to create and hang on some of the remaining bare walls. I love my town. I think we all have this notion that we need to leave home at some point, but I grew up here and will eventually leave when my transfer comes but right now I'm ok and look forward to the spring when I can work outside in my yard. There are numerous other things I can mention that I love as well; however, I noticed whenever my entry about my ex (now my "friend") I almost pass out, literally. I get the sweats, the trembling hands (like now), the racing thoughts, the shortness of breathe, and so on and so on until I just have to go to bed, or take a brief nap. The breathing sessions work while im on the job, along with the positive thinking, but while I'm alone at home, or walking the dogs, or doing anything that allows some time to think it's crazy. I never thought I would allow someone to control so much of my emotions. I guess a brief history is helpful, but honestly (as I am only 24, and this was a relationship of 5 years) any advice would be helpful. We met in college, he's 5 yrs older than myself, he was in law enforcement and I always wanted to work in banking, both of us are from small towns. We moved fast I know, and I wanted a lot from him (kids, house, family overall, etc), but of course society has it's limitations on accepting certain things if you catch the drift. I think it was too much for him, and to be honest it was a little much for me too, but I felt as long as we loved each other it wouldn't matter we would make it work. After breaking up a few months ago, my first real panic attack (I thought I was going to die literally, no light in my future, I will never find anyone else type of thinking), he eventually moved to my town! Not because of me, but because of a promotion, which hurt as well as I had wanted him to relocate for a long time and he said he couldn't do so. So new year's comes and goes and he says he wants to talk because he misses me, so of course I jump to meet him, and actually leave some of my other friends stranded in the process to do so. He tells me he is confused, about life and his orientation to be blunt, and that he is sorry for how he treated me. I thought it was all ok, we would be friends, and he would take the time to figure himself out. To be honest I need the time as well, but now I'm more stressed than ever. I find he only wants to hangout out about once a week. He distances himself on weekends, or prefaces our chats with hints that he will be unavailable on certain days. I don't know if I am being mislead and maybe just held as backup or if I am over re-acting and need to give him his space. I feel like I was getting over the fact I may never see him again, and then he called me and took it upon himself to bring me back into his life. I feel like I want to help him find himself, but like I'm losing who I am in the process. It's like I am still hidden from his friends, family, and overall life even more so now. Everyone in my life knows about him, maybe not in detail, but at least that we hangout etc. Is this normal, on my side or his? He calls me pet names like we used to before and is loving at times and then gets extremely distant. Sometimes I feel he is punishing me almost, or just being selfish. He knows I would give the world in a snap for hime (something else I know is unhealthy and am working on). His journey is driving me crazy in that he is publicly being someone (straight to be blunt) that with me he is anything but (gay to be blunt). Is it healthy to "wait" or try to help someone that simple acts this way with no method of truly trying to figure anything out. I admit my heart is still slightly broken and to have the person I still love in my life, but dedicated to catering to everyone else's desired perception of him hurts. Am I over re-acting? He said he would never leave me, and then he blatantly flirts with girls and "jocks out" in front of his male co-workers. In private I'm everything to him and in public I'd think I had poo on my shoe or something. I feel he just needs time to figure himself out, but I'm scared where that may leave "us". Yet I still welcome the idea, because I feel for me it is a good time to get to appreciate myself and realize there are other people who would welcome a loving, guilt-free, relationship. This program is really helping. My main concern is that I ruin what could be a healthy and rewarding relationship in the future because I am feeling something that is normal, and rightfully full of emotion now. Any suggestions based on experience of any sort helps. Thanks in advance.