Confusing relationship (current source of anxiety)

ONB1983 · Post by **ONB1983** » Mon Jan 14, 2008 2:53 pm

So I am starting lesson two. I'm actually proud of myself not trying to finish the whole thing in the first week, I tend to rush stuff. Anyway, the recommendation of keeping a journal was helpful, but thanks to two of my good friends I had already been doing so since 2000. Something I hadn't done until recently however was really analyze the source of my anxiety while writing. I finally know what it is. I love my job, it was difficult at first as a financial representative you sometimes have to sell your ideas to hard-nosed individuals and trying to get all the tasks necessitated in one day's time can be a slight burden as well, but I love it and see myself in the field for awhile. I love my home, I recently started to design some art pieces I plan to create and hang on some of the remaining bare walls. I love my town. I think we all have this notion that we need to leave home at some point, but I grew up here and will eventually leave when my transfer comes but right now I'm ok and look forward to the spring when I can work outside in my yard. There are numerous other things I can mention that I love as well; however, I noticed whenever my entry about my ex (now my "friend") I almost pass out, literally. I get the sweats, the trembling hands (like now), the racing thoughts, the shortness of breathe, and so on and so on until I just have to go to bed, or take a brief nap. The breathing sessions work while im on the job, along with the positive thinking, but while I'm alone at home, or walking the dogs, or doing anything that allows some time to think it's crazy. I never thought I would allow someone to control so much of my emotions. I guess a brief history is helpful, but honestly (as I am only 24, and this was a relationship of 5 years) any advice would be helpful. We met in college, he's 5 yrs older than myself, he was in law enforcement and I always wanted to work in banking, both of us are from small towns. We moved fast I know, and I wanted a lot from him (kids, house, family overall, etc), but of course society has it's limitations on accepting certain things if you catch the drift. I think it was too much for him, and to be honest it was a little much for me too, but I felt as long as we loved each other it wouldn't matter we would make it work. After breaking up a few months ago, my first real panic attack (I thought I was going to die literally, no light in my future, I will never find anyone else type of thinking), he eventually moved to my town! Not because of me, but because of a promotion, which hurt as well as I had wanted him to relocate for a long time and he said he couldn't do so. So new year's comes and goes and he says he wants to talk because he misses me, so of course I jump to meet him, and actually leave some of my other friends stranded in the process to do so. He tells me he is confused, about life and his orientation to be blunt, and that he is sorry for how he treated me. I thought it was all ok, we would be friends, and he would take the time to figure himself out. To be honest I need the time as well, but now I'm more stressed than ever. I find he only wants to hangout out about once a week. He distances himself on weekends, or prefaces our chats with hints that he will be unavailable on certain days. I don't know if I am being mislead and maybe just held as backup or if I am over re-acting and need to give him his space. I feel like I was getting over the fact I may never see him again, and then he called me and took it upon himself to bring me back into his life. I feel like I want to help him find himself, but like I'm losing who I am in the process. It's like I am still hidden from his friends, family, and overall life even more so now. Everyone in my life knows about him, maybe not in detail, but at least that we hangout etc. Is this normal, on my side or his? He calls me pet names like we used to before and is loving at times and then gets extremely distant. Sometimes I feel he is punishing me almost, or just being selfish. He knows I would give the world in a snap for hime (something else I know is unhealthy and am working on). His journey is driving me crazy in that he is publicly being someone (straight to be blunt) that with me he is anything but (gay to be blunt). Is it healthy to "wait" or try to help someone that simple acts this way with no method of truly trying to figure anything out. I admit my heart is still slightly broken and to have the person I still love in my life, but dedicated to catering to everyone else's desired perception of him hurts. Am I over re-acting? He said he would never leave me, and then he blatantly flirts with girls and "jocks out" in front of his male co-workers. In private I'm everything to him and in public I'd think I had poo on my shoe or something. I feel he just needs time to figure himself out, but I'm scared where that may leave "us". Yet I still welcome the idea, because I feel for me it is a good time to get to appreciate myself and realize there are other people who would welcome a loving, guilt-free, relationship. This program is really helping. My main concern is that I ruin what could be a healthy and rewarding relationship in the future because I am feeling something that is normal, and rightfully full of emotion now. Any suggestions based on experience of any sort helps. Thanks in advance.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jan 15, 2008 8:42 am

Sounds alot like what I went through many years ago, I was actually 23 at the time. We started dating when I was 15 and by the time I was 19, we were living together. He didn't want to get married so I settled for living together.

We had all I thought I wanted (the cars, house in suburbs, nice, respectful relationship) then, he said he needed space and my whole world fell apart. I thought that I was strong and independant but wow, when that happened, I found myself waiting by the phone, running to the window, constantly wishing and hoping that we would come back to me.

Believe it or not, it was the best thing that could have happened for me (and him too). I got myself much needed help (therapy). Learned alot about who I was and what I was capable of, all on my own. I became who I initially thought I was, strong, independant and self sufficient...and I felt great. Mind you I was still hurting because I never stopped loving him but I was doing good.

He called me back about 8 months later, with the 'I don't know what got into me' thing. What got 'into' him was his need to play the field because having been with me so young, he didn't get to do much of that.

I did take him back but I layed down some serious rules. We went to couples therapy, got married, have 2 wonderful kids who are now 16 and 10 and are living happily ever after...except for this anxiety issue that I have of course.

If your guy wants or needs space, he knows why and needs to share it with you in order for you both to 'work' the problems out. Issues don't just go away, they need to be dealt with and if you don't know what they are, if he is not being straight up with you, then how are you to hope that anything will get better??

Good luck to you. You are stronger that you may think. Work on being good to yourself, including sticking to your initial plans instead of cancelling everything for him.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jan 15, 2008 9:46 am

Unfortunately, it really sounds like he is toying with your emotions. That's not right. You deserve respect not only from him but YOURSELF. If he is unsure of his orientation, it would probably be in your best interest to move on with the idea that it's for good. It will be very hard....but YOU can do it!

Peace to you in THIS precious present moment.

BookOfPsalms · Post by **BookOfPsalms** » Tue Jan 15, 2008 12:34 pm

first I want to thank you guys for your comments. Tonight is somewhat hard for me, because per our new "arrangement" he spoke of Tuesdays being our TV night, kind of like our weekends when we were together. So of course I jump the gun yesterday and text him to see if we are still on and he replies maybe tonight or maybe thursday if not and I have to host at my place, which is his way of saying I need the freedom to be alone if i want to without having to kick you out of my place (or am I being to analytical). So I decided not to beg, as much as I want to. I'm fixing dinner by myself for myself tonight, but I'm ok with that. He hasn't called to confirm he is coming over tonight, and i guess that is ok. Maybe I am being toyed with, held on a string, but it's only because I allow myself to be right? I'm not going to dwell on it tonight. I'm loving the course, although I am only on session 2 and keep running it over and over (can't wait for the rest), I am really taking this time to get to know myself and being ok with being alone. My issue now is trying to figure out what is going on in his head, something he prides himself on keeping hidden from others (almost scary I think personally). Anywho, thanks again. I also noticed that I may have confused some people, no worry here (glad to help where I can), but everyone recognizes I am a guy right? Goodnight and thanks again.