Stress Center Peer Support

Even if I don't feel like I do?
I don't have much feeling towards my mother, she has always been very cold, except when she was being beaten by my stepdads.
She doesn't have much warmth or sincerity to me. I think some of that comes from her Lutheran upbringing.

How can I approach her on it so I can try to heal what's wrong between us?

minnchad,

you are under no obligation to tell anyone that you love them, period. however, i have heard it said that when we harbor unforgiveness, it is like us swallowing poison and hoping that our enemy will die from it.

it is unfortunate that your relationship with your mother is strained, really. mine is too, but i do love my mom and have just tried to accept that she is what she is. i used to dream that we would walk hand in hand down the beach together or that she could be one of my best friends, but she is not wired that way--she cares first and foremost about herself.

she is not an awful person, she is just someone that can't live up to my expectations. so, i lower them where she is concerned. i guess what i am saying is that you should not feel compelled to do something that doesn't feel right to you. you may just have to accept that she loves you, just not the way that you would like her to. i don't know what your personal relationship with god is, but god can change people--including you. good luck, i hope that you can attain the closeness with your mother that you would like to have.

mel

Hi Minnchad and Melsu - That was the best thing about unforgiveness I've ever heard..."like swallowing poison...". So much so, I had to write it down. My mother is cold and selfish and I think that's a big reason I am so inclined to be anxious today. Among other things she abandoned me when I was 16 for a man who was 24, drug addicted, and beating her. He tried to yell at me when I was in the shower and her father/my grandfather said he had to leave (we lived with my grandparents). The next day she was gone. Later that year, I had my first panic attack and that's how that goes. When I was in my 20's I concluded that my anger towards her was poisoning me and I forgave her. When I told her, her reaction was underwhelming to say the least and her only regret was staying with him after he abused her. She is who she is, and like Melsu said, I just keep lowering my standards to accomodate her. I don't tell her I love her, but I know she wouldn't like that. I call her regularly, and generally have a good relationship with her such that it is. There's no happy ending per se. She is still cold and selfish and I am still anxious and neurotic. But I am a work in progress, and I've come to see how a traumatic upbringing affected her, making the forgiveness easier to swallow. Follow your heart Minnchad.

Wow, what a pattern here. I too have a different relationship with my Mom and we tell eachother we love eachother and sincerely mean it and we talk and get a long really well. But my Mom is sort of selfish as well. She also has a panic problem but is happy as a lark popping pills to try to solve her problems and doesn't want to even think about getting down to business as this program does. I too have had to lower my standards and expectations on how I think she "should" be. Because it's her life. I wish that she'sd want to be with me more but I'll take what I can at this point. My Mom was horribly abused by her father and then again somewhat by my Dad. After their divorce when I was 11, she turned to drinking and I really didn't have a mother my teen years, saw a lot of bad things and raised my younger sister. I'm so grateful for this program, for God showing me the way, so that I've broken the cycle for my children's sake. There are so many of us with stories like this. I'm so grateful to Lucinda for starting all of this and having a place like this so that we may come together and share thoughts and help one another. A person does really feel so alone with this stuff and it's so good to be able to come here. Grateful for pretty much everything- Best wishes to all.

I don't have much feelings for my mom either. As a child it seemed if she wasn't hitting me, she was telling me how worthless I was.

She rarely said anything nice to me, and if she did, she would make a point of taking it back, and replacing it with an insult.

Because of this, I was always anxious as a child, and eventually had my first anxiety attack at 19.

It sounds like you want to reach out to your mom, but perhaps you are afraid of her reaction, worried about her rejecting you? If this is so, then I would say, listen to the advice of the others, and lower your expections of your mom, and then say what is in your heart.

I once said something to my mom about her treatment of me. She didn't call me for 4 months, and when she did call, nothing was mentioned about our last conversation. I was feeling stressed about our conversation and several other things going on in my life, and I started having anxiety attacks again.

I would talk to her, when you feel strong enough to deal with what ever reaction she gives you.

It's amazing how alike many of us are. I've carried this 'burden' for years, feeling fundamentally flawed and defective. This is probably the logical progression if you are not nurtured in the formative years.

I just wanted to add that I find much relief and increased self esteem by raising my own children. My favorite saying is "for me, there is no salvation, only redemption". By that, I mean that I can't go back and get my "Brady Bunch" upbringing (you know what I mean) but I can raise my kids better than I was raised. I am too, and even though I'm not perfect, I know they won't have any of the traumatic memories that I am burdened with. For me, it lessens some of the sting and sometimes I wonder if my mom recognizes how poorly she did. Probably not. I had my first child at 30, while she had me at 20. Her big thing was "by having kids in my 30's I would be fat and let myself go unlike I would have in my 20's". Wrong again, mom. I'm skinnier at this stage in my kids lives than she was when I was the same age.

Lucinda mentions a similar traumatic relationship with her father and said on his deathbed he finally acknowledged her in the way she always wanted. Are we all waiting for the same thing (hopefully without the dying part)?

I think you should express your affection when you want to = when you feel it, but never OUT OF OBLIGATION. If you do it out of obligation, you will create resentment. No need to add any add'l negative feelings.

I don't have a relationship w/ my mother(too long of a story & way complex) due to cumulative traumatic childhood & not having been raised by her. However, during my own recovery & maybe all of yours as well, I was able to see MY MOTHER WAS HUMAN - not this fictiscious(sp)- HIGH UP ON A PEDISTAL creature I conjured up in my mind(made up of all my expectations of what she should have been & all she should have done). I don't JUSTIFY OR CONDONE anything she has done - that's b/w her & GOD. Rather, during my own recovery & having to face MY PAST + MYSELF + FORGIVE + LET GO(so I could begin living in the PRECIOUS PRESENT MOMENT), I was able see & learn/understand <span class="ev_code_RED">HURTING PEOPLE DO HURTFUL THINGS</span>, this was no different for my mother. While I was in therapy, I had to force myself to feel the surpressed anger/pain/resentment fr childhood/teenage yrs. You see, prior to therapy & anxiety disorder triggering, unbeknownst to me, I WAS LIVING AS THE PAST: I was not the woman Lenore. Rather, I was the SUM TOTAL of all the events I experienced & all the surpressed emotions I hadn't allowed myself to feel. By me going thru therapy - I created the very essential <span class="ev_code_RED">DEGREE OF SEPARATION</span> needed. I was able to separate, the child I once was & the woman I am. It was the woman I am who had the maturity + logic + understanding that the former child I was didn't - w/ the former child I was being the 1 carrying all these surpressed emotions. You see, the child I once was only knew what her MAMA had done to her - how it hurt her heart, etc. SYMBOLICALLY, while going thru therapy, I held her hand - while she needed to feel these things & simultaneously - in very simple terms - I was able to help her understand IT WASN'T HER FAULT & WHY. By doing that, it SET US BOTH FREE.

Being repetative, hurting people do hurtful things - a healthy person = <span class="ev_code_RED">mentally + emotionally + physically + spiritually</span> - would NEVER HAVE DONE THE THINGS MY MOTHER DID. My mother never set out fr the day I was born to do what she did. She didn't even realize what she was doing, in all fairness. You see, my mother was so caught up in the cycle of dysfunction - that IT WAS HER NORM - HER REALITY = THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG W/ WHAT SHE WAS DOING & SAYING TO ME - I, THE CHILD, WAS THE 1 W/ THE PROBLEM. I was able to think back, w/ what I did know, this "cycle of dysfunction" she was in - was GENERATIONAL - going back to her mother's mother & prob beyond. Here I was, mad - cause I felt denied my mother wasn't all the things I thought & expected she should have been. Here I was, mad that my mother wasn't doing the things I felt A MAMA should be doing. <span class="ev_code_RED">I'll be honest w/ you - I felt DENIED THE "MEMORY" as I often refer to it.</span>How could she be those things, when she herself didn't have it? If she didn't have it - if she didn't learn it, then how could she give it to me & be those things to/for me? She couldn't. My mother got DELIBERATELY pregnant & then married @ age 19 - just to get out of the house, away fr her own mother. My mother didn't have a decent/healthy relationship w/ her own mother. Let me give you an ex to help you understand, so maybe it could help you all understand w/ your own mama's:
<span class="ev_code_RED">EX: I wasn't totally raised w/ my mother. I do recall her mom in hosp b/4 she passed. My mother's mom was on her death bed & apologized for whatever. I was only in 8th grade when my mother told me this. W/ the worst VENUM in her voice, she PROUDLY conveys telling her dying mother(who is apologizing) - "ITS TOO LATE"!</span> Do you see it? My mother didn't have the relationship w/ her mom. In addition, my mother & her mom - didn't have hardly any interaction w/ her mom's family. Then, to add to it - my mother's father passed when she was a child. As a result, my mother never really knew her father's side of the family & obviously didn't have any interaction w/ them. MY POINT? What "healthy & functioning" family experience did my mother have - to pass on to me? NONE! While I myself was going thru therapy & recovering - I was able to logically put 2 & 2 together - my mother(based on my recollection of her actions & behaviors) was experiencing depress & anxiety @ the very least. So, she had a severely dysfunctional upbringing & family background + the genetically predisposition to anxiety & depress - w/o the ability to understand both = not the makings of a loving & supportive mother. Finally, add to those things the following: my father up & left when I was 5, w/ my mother being 30 yrs old. Pretty young. My mother had 3 children @ that point & no work experience @ all. The min my father left - it all literally went dwn hill. My mother let her home/apt go(a mess & dirty worse than you could ever imagine)+ she let her children go - I was abandoned @ age 6 - to be raised by a total stranger + she let herself go: my mother had FALSE TEETH by the time she was 35 + she went on WELFARE - where she stayed the rest of her life & is on it, I believe - to this very day. I ask you folks, in God willingly reflecting on your own Mama's - imagine the mental & emotional mindset of my mother - to let all those things go @ the VERY YOUNG AGE OF 35. She stopped living - she stopped dreaming - she existed & it was in that existence, via her own pain + frustration + resentment(all that which she was obviously incapable of understanding) - that she did what she did to me.

LOL, you all may recognize my occassional postings on here - lol I TYPE A LOT. I am not justifying what any of our mother's may have done - I am not saying any of it was ok. I am saying - WE ALL WERE GIVEN A GIFT, THAT OUR OWN MOTHER'S WERE NOT - <span class="ev_code_RED">we were given the gift of compassion + understanding = the ability to KNOW BETTER = when we know better, we do better. We were given the CHARACTER & COURAGE & INNER STRENGTH - to want to CHANGE THE CYCLE, VIA our own healing. </span> Our mother's didn't have that.

By me forgiving my mother, I set myself free. Was I entitled to many a things, I was denied - sure. My mother was also denied & was in no position to give to me. What this means, quite simply - I WAS THE VICTIM OF A VICTIM. Now, I am a former victim - I am recovered fr anxiety disorder - I am free fr my past - & lord, God bless me for it - I am living the life I want to, surrounding myself w/ the people I want to - HELL, I am living life - back in the world again, WORKING - for the 1st time in 3 yrs since being home recovering. You see MY StressCenter.com FRIENDS - by me going through this journey, the past 3 yrs, I have done what I set out to do - <span class="ev_code_RED">I CHANGED THE CYCLE OF DYSFUNCTION - by healing myself + understanding/reconciling the past & said events + forgiving + letting go.</span> Now, I can do what ever the heck I want. I know there is pain fr having experienced what we all have. I also know how frightening it can be w/ having to address these things & forgiving. No harder than carrying around for YEARSSSSSSSSS - all the anger/pain/resentment. Pls just remember, we know better & the fact that we do - puts us ahead in the long run. Our parents did the best they could, w/ what they had & what they knew. It doesn't justify anything - no. It means it wasn't our fault & they did all they could.

LENORE

Lenore, that was one of the most amazing posts I've ever read. Especially the first paragraph, but your personal examples were amazing too.

It was kind of hard to read, but I can tell you're recovered. You seem so free.
Thank you for posting. I think I'll be re-reading it to give myself courage.