Stress Center Peer Support

I was driving along in the countryside near my home last night and I passed by a little church where I went to Vacation Bible School a few times when I was a kid. My four year old niece is going to VBS this week and I started remembering those times from my past.

They were fun memories to think about. VBS was the first time I ever rode a "school" bus. They picked us up and brought us home when the day was over. For some reason that was fun to me and since we only lived a block from my school, VBS was the one opportunity I would get to ride a bus. It brought a smile to my face.

Then a very interesting thing happened. Immediately on the heels of that memory was a not so good one. The first week we moved down to East Texas, my mom stayed in Dallas wrapping up business. My sister and I stayed with my grandmother. I remember being scared that something would happen to her during that week and I'd never see her again.

Suddenly, it dawned on me -- every good memory I have from my childhood seems to be tied to or lead to a bad one from that same time! How does that happen? Why is it that I can't just remember going to Bible School and enjoy it without it being followed by some bad memory? No wonder I'm anxious.

I have an extraordinary level of fear about losing people I love. I experienced a lot of loss early in my childhood and, although I don't remember it all specifically, I remember the feelings and they still haunt me. This really has to stop if I ever want to get "well".

http://jwalkergs.wordpress.com/

Hi Jason,
Maybe I am way off but sometimes when people have anxiety they don't think they should be able to be happy, like they are not allowed to be happy. So maybe you are in someway punishing yourself for having a happy thought by giving yourself the bad one. You do deserve to be happy and have good thoughts so next time this happens try telling yourself that you deserve to enjoy the thought and that any bad thoughts that come have no place there and bring yourself right back to the good thought. I hope you the very best good luck

I think you're probably right. In addition to a fear of losing the people I love, I have an enormous amount of guilt. Most of my guilt is for things I had nothing to do with and no control over, but somehow I take on the guilt. It makes it very hard to be happy.

Jason, I can appreciate your fear of a loved one dying. I lost my mom when I was 25 and I am now 33 and still feel the hurt every day! I worry constantly about something happening to my husband. It is a common fear and sometimes a realistic one. It is at these times that I realize that the "scary" thoughts are likely replacing something else..i.e. something I don't want to deal with it. When the thought is actually realistic, I realize that there is a higher power that has these people in his hands. I work with death and dying everyday and it is a hard thing to deal with but I see people get through it everyday and cope better then I did. Good luck and keep plugging through!

In my experience & journey, I found until I dealt w/ & faced/felt all the surpressed feeling I had fr the past, I couldn't face/change myself & those parts that needed changing. I wasn't able to separate LENORE then & now. Having faced &felt all I had to fr back then & came to understand WHY - I was able to move on + let go + recover. Once I allowed myself to FEEL those emotions, no matter how big or sm + no matter how big/sm the issue or situation was back then, MY LOAD WAS LIGHTER - as a result, I felt better.

Something very important also happened to me - once I went through that process (via therapy), I understand WHY I feel certain ways towards certain things (EX: like you, I had abandonment issues) & because I recognized that, I was then prepared to deal w/ it in a much healthier way, opposed to how I did so in the past = wallowing/dwelling & being the FOREVER VICTIM. See, there will be what I refer to as TRIGGERS in our lives. These "triggers" are current day events that trigger a memory for us of an event fr our past - that may have been painful/scary, etc. As a result of my recognizing it as a TRIGGER - I was able to make myself feel better by reminding myself "Lenore, that is the past - its done & over w/. You are ok now - you are safe."

I too carried a lge amt of guilt fr yrs gone by & all for events totally out of my control. I assumed it was my fault - for yrs, unfortunately. However, once I faced these events w/ the guide of my former psychiatrist, I was able to let go of that burden I had unfairly placed on myself. I was shown & learned, I had a right to those emotions. My therapist gave me an independant perspective (outside of my friends & hubby) that I needed - so I could then see these events for what they were - & they were not my fault. Talk about a burden being lifted off my shoulder.

Now, I am not necessarily forcefeeding therapy - I wouldn't dare. I just know, fr my experience & journey - I harbored guilt + pain + fear for 30+ yrs fr past experiences not my fault.It didn't change the events + didn't un-do them + I placed a terrible burden on myself - which hurt me. In all, those negative things didn't leave me feeling good or happy. Having faced & felt them - I was able to EMOTIONALLY DECLARE - I don't want to feel that way anymore. I was able to let go & be happy.

We all have some painful memories fr our past. However, we all have some really great ones too. It may be possible (I'm no expert now - no phd - I'm just recovered fr anxiety & depress & graduated intensive therapy & off any/all meds) that you have some residual pain fr the past & they are combatting the great memories you have. In other words, those painful/frightening emotions want to come out + to be heard - they are seeking validation. If you were to allow yourself to face & feel them - your focus would then turn to all the great memories you have fr childhood. When I 1st started therapy, after several month, I recall my psychiatrist asking me "what happy times do you remember fr your childhood?" I replied, "I had none!" Now, that wasn't true - I have lots of great memories. However, I was carrying a heavy load & my focus was on them & all that I either was afraid to feel or couldn't. Once I cleared them away - I didn't fear them, for I felt them. THEN, something great happened, I could see & feel THE GREAT MEMORIES I HAD.

I want you to know: you can be happy + you deserve to be happy + you are absolutely ENTITLED to be happy hun.

I wish you all the best on your journey & in life.

Your Friend,

LENORE

Wow...Lenore! Thanks, so much for taking the time to write. There is so much good in there; so much that I relate to and am going to "chew on" this evening!

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!