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Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 6:17 am
by lilsismj
I have stopped journaling. I have not journaled about my current situation because I have been afraid to. In order to do it...I'm doing it here. I hope that you guys can help me see, if I can't, that things are going to be ok. So...here it is:
I wish that it had never been said. I wish that you had kept your feelings to yourself, because I could ignore mine, they weren't that strong. I would never ever have told you that I sometimes thought of you as more than a friend...and now I feel like everything is ruined.
I feel like coming to work is going to suck from now on and I am scared that I will be anxious every morning when I get up because we work together.
Nothing is going to happen between us. You know that and I know that. I said so and you said so. You have children that you love and adore and a wife that you at least once did.
I think because times are tough right now for the both of us, it's easy to see each other as a rescue or some kind of escape. But that isn't real. It would never be real, it's a fantasy.
I think that if you try, you can get that magic back in your life, with your wife. And I hope you do. I want you to be happy. But, I don't want you to chase me.
I haven't felt my heart in a long time. I'm scared of dating and relationships. I don't think you are the love of my life...I think that I could put you in that mold right now if I wanted to, and I think you could do the same with me.
I am so afraid that we are not going to get past this. I do have a very good friend who once shared their feelings with me, it was weird, I didn't reciprocate and we are back to being great friends. It's not weird at all. I hope we can do that. But if we can't, I hope that I have the strength to mend my heart and deflect anything you throw at me.
As much as I wish this had never happened and that we didn't find ourselves in the situation we are in right now, but it did and that is in the past. we can't change the past. Now what we can do is be good people. it may not be easy finding our way through this, but I think it's worth it.
Ok guys...what would you tell yourself about this?
Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 8:34 am
by Guest
I think you're doing okay. It seems like you've been able to think about this situation in a rational way, and that's great. If you haven't already, I think you should tell him some of this. The past is really in the past, and all you can both do is move forward. If he's married, he needs to work it out with his wife instead of trying to look for an escape by putting you in the middle of it.
The situation isn't your fault or your doing. (he may just be taking advantage of you? I have no idea.) It's an odd situation because he's caused it to be that way and if you don't want any part of it, you need to keep being the strong person that you are in this journal entry and let this part of you be known to him. Just keep putting your foot down. If he's a true friend or a good person, he'll respect your feelings and understand that your point of view of the situation is the right one.
[Edit: I've just always had the opinion that you should never get involved with someone you work with because there's always that possibility that it will escalate into the sort of situation that can make it hard for you to do your job to the best of your ability.]
I think you should start writing in your journal again and add this if you haven't. It takes a very strong person to publicly write such a post. Applaud your strength and wonderful sense of self worth.
xoxo
Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 8:50 am
by Guest
Lilsismj, Jenni is right. You are stronger than you think you are. I have been in the situation you are in. You will be just fine. In fact, if you think about it now, you are fine already. You may not feel that way, but your thoughts certainly show it. Time really does heal most wounds. Jenni gave you some wonderful ideas and I agree. Start journaling again. You will need to do that because you guys work together. It is a safe place to let out your feelings. Or, you can always continue to share with us. I hope that you know you have done the right thing no matter how hard it was. He needs to figure out what he wants to do with his life, and you need to concentrate on yourself. But always remember how strong you are and have been. God bless and take care...Missi
Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 8:58 am
by Guest
I'm so glad you decided to journal about this whether it was here or home or anywhere else. Do you feel a bit better now that it's all out? I always do.
I agree with the pps...you are a very strong person even if you don't see it at times. You can and will get through this, it is just too new for you to see that right now. You are level headed about the whole thing and I agree that if you haven't told him yet, he also needs to hear it...but from the sounds of your first post about it, he already knows. What's done is done and it is now time to move forward. Everything happens for a reason...who knows it may bring your friendship closer in the end...but if it doesn't make sure you know the blame does not lie with you.
Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 9:03 am
by Guest
[Edit: I'm sorry that I hadn't read through your other thread before I replied to this one, but most of my thoughts on the subject are still the same.]
This actually happened to a very close friend of mine last year. I told her a lot of the things that other people wrote to you.
An illness can cause someone close to you to say something that they otherwise wouldn't and cause the friendship to become awkward, but if it's a strong friendship, there's that big difference between friendship love and romantic love. Since you both know it to not be romantic love, it won't be hard to stay friends and be very productive together at work.
Yet I agree that if he's having marital issues, he would need to work that out first, divorce his wife if they feel that it's necessary, etc. all before his pursuit of a new romantic relationship. Sometimes people come into our lives at the strangest of turning points. Just keep your values in mind. If it's easy for him to be married and discuss romantic interest with another woman, that's never a man that any woman could ever have a healthy relationship with. That's just something to think about. However, I think it's quite healthy that you both agreed that romance is not in the cards for you both.
I'm still sticking with my opinion that having love for a friend, no matter what gender, is normal. And if you're friends and neither one of you are in a relationship, and then happen to fall in love? Well, that's another story.
*hugs*
Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 2:08 am
by Guest
I never expected someone to look at my journal, something I put all the things I'm ashamed of in...and then tell me I'm strong or that they were proud of me.
Your responses have warmed my heart. I really appreciate you guys raising me up or at least helping me through the fog.
I was at work with him all day yesterday. It was probably the hardest thing I've had to do in a long time. Everytime I heard his voice or thought he was near I would get one of my hot flashes from anxiety.
And the thought keeps going through my mind that "I'm scared about being around him...that I won't be able to do this and get past it."
But I'm thinking, I've got one day under my belt. One very difficult day, the first day, and I did it. I am telling myself that I've already stepped through the wall, felt the fear and kept going anyway. So, it would seem it could only get a little better each day. I've already done the hardest thing. I already finished the first time. If I know I can do it...if I've physically already done it...I think it will only get easier.
I hope?
Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 12:04 pm
by Guest
That was very brave of you to share your journal entry... I hope it helped in your healing process.. It sure helps when I journal I feel like I am answering myself (kinda weird) but really there is magic in it.. I'm glad you shared this because I am going thru same situation and this is exactly what I need to be telling myself.. This is helping me be stronger that there is somebody who is having similar struggle.
Thanks,
Jess