Posted: Sun Dec 07, 2008 10:18 am
Hello guys. It's been almost a year since I've been here. I bought the program in September of 2007 and completed it by November. In August of '07 I had a heart attack scare that turned out to be acid reflux, but after that I went into a period of anxiety and depression. If got so bad that I went on Lexapro in mid September. In fact, I started on Lexapro about the same time I started the program. Wheher it was Lexapro or the program, or a combination of the two, by November I was feeling great. So much so that I stopped taking Lexapro.
Well, about a week before Christmas last year I had a set back. So I begrudgingly went back on the med. That lasted until about March. I've bee med free since. In that time, there have been a couple of occasions when I thought about it, but things improved and life went on. But for the past 3-4 days I've been struggling. Mind you, NOTHING like it was back in August/September of '07. But I feel it. The thought that plagues me is, "OH NO! HERE WE GO AGAIN". When I think about it, the fear of "it" returning is what's scaring me the most.
I still have the meds on the shelf, but I felt like such a loser when I had to go back on them the first time. I really don't want to go back there again. But these feelings (depression from thinking that at 47, my life is essentially over because I can't physically do what I use to be able to do and my kids will be leaving home soon and that the years are really flying by, etc.) are driving me nuts.
Anxiety in me manifests as shivers. I feel like I can;t control my internal shaking and I feel like I'm not standing on solid ground. My head gets dizzy and I feel unstable. That leads to me thinking I'm either going crazy or that I have a serious brain illness. Which amps the anxiety, which fuels the depressions, etc. Well, I feel myself going down the spiral and I'm trying to cut it off. Just being able to write this and knowing that people who understand are reading is helping a lot.
At present, I just feel like such a failure. It's been 9 months of clarity with no meds, good feelings, and good times. For stretches I felt like my old self where anxiety and depressive thoughts and feelings never even entered my consciousness. Other times when I remembered it, it felt like another life time. But here I am and now it feels like I'm going backwards.
While writing here helps, it also hurts. I associate this forum with a time when I was in serious need to help. I had NEVER experienced ANYTHING like what I experienced last year. This place and the program and the meds help me through. So in my mind, this forum, the program, and the meds are a reminder of very bad times. Therefore, when I feel I might need to turn to them again, I get very down because it indicates that this is still a part of my life. I don't know if anybody can relate, but it's how I feel. Will this ever get in the rear view mirror permanently?
Well, about a week before Christmas last year I had a set back. So I begrudgingly went back on the med. That lasted until about March. I've bee med free since. In that time, there have been a couple of occasions when I thought about it, but things improved and life went on. But for the past 3-4 days I've been struggling. Mind you, NOTHING like it was back in August/September of '07. But I feel it. The thought that plagues me is, "OH NO! HERE WE GO AGAIN". When I think about it, the fear of "it" returning is what's scaring me the most.
I still have the meds on the shelf, but I felt like such a loser when I had to go back on them the first time. I really don't want to go back there again. But these feelings (depression from thinking that at 47, my life is essentially over because I can't physically do what I use to be able to do and my kids will be leaving home soon and that the years are really flying by, etc.) are driving me nuts.
Anxiety in me manifests as shivers. I feel like I can;t control my internal shaking and I feel like I'm not standing on solid ground. My head gets dizzy and I feel unstable. That leads to me thinking I'm either going crazy or that I have a serious brain illness. Which amps the anxiety, which fuels the depressions, etc. Well, I feel myself going down the spiral and I'm trying to cut it off. Just being able to write this and knowing that people who understand are reading is helping a lot.
At present, I just feel like such a failure. It's been 9 months of clarity with no meds, good feelings, and good times. For stretches I felt like my old self where anxiety and depressive thoughts and feelings never even entered my consciousness. Other times when I remembered it, it felt like another life time. But here I am and now it feels like I'm going backwards.
While writing here helps, it also hurts. I associate this forum with a time when I was in serious need to help. I had NEVER experienced ANYTHING like what I experienced last year. This place and the program and the meds help me through. So in my mind, this forum, the program, and the meds are a reminder of very bad times. Therefore, when I feel I might need to turn to them again, I get very down because it indicates that this is still a part of my life. I don't know if anybody can relate, but it's how I feel. Will this ever get in the rear view mirror permanently?