Posted: Fri Nov 21, 2008 10:27 pm
It was February 2006 that I joined these forums, created the nickname Helpless (because thats how I felt at the time) and created a topic "Please Help"
More than two years on and I am in one of the most intense sales industries "recruitment" and I'm loving it.
What I'm going to do here is telling you my story because I feel if someone did this when I had my panic attacks it could possibly calm me down.
To give you a bit of background I have OCD yet I have always been the confident type, the aggressive tough guy with a full contact karate blackbelt, 2 degrees and always wanting to be the best, type of guy. I thought I was so tough and good, never did I ever think in my wildest nightmares I could get "panicy".
In between the years 99-2005 I had developed really bad sleeping habits that had ruined my life. I was not an insomniac, I just enjoyed staying up till 3-4 am in morning, playing pc games, chatting up with friends in other countries etc... and then sleep in the day after and therefore I had a lot of hours lack of sleep per day. While I was doing just fine at uni I always thought I'm getting old and not getting much out of my life. The arguments I had at home didn't help either. Then came Feb 2006 when I actually had to undergo a simple surgery which basically required me to spend most of my time in bed for a few weeks. That whole period was enough for the issues inside me (lack of sleep, self-worth thoughts, arguments) during all these years to burst out.
Slowly I started feeling spacy, feeling my days were actually not reality but dreams, heart palpitation, shortness of breath, butterflies in stomach, feeling dizzy and imbalanced, At first I thought something went wrong during the surgery but after rushing myself twice to the emergency room and going to cardiologist, neurologist and several other doctors and series of tests and xrays and MRIs, all came out clean. Doctors said there is nothing wrong with me physically.
My situation worsened every day. My girlfriend was worried and kept asking me to quit acting like that and as much as I wanted to I simply couldn't. I remember going to restaurants with her and due to fear of going crazy and acting funny, all of a sudden I would go to the bathroom (to avoid the embarrassment) and shake in fear. I couldn't attend uni properly, I was shaking day and night firstly thinking I'm dying and then thinking I'm simply going crazy.
From schizophrenia all the way to depression mania all crossed my mind the whole time. I thought that was it. I am gone for good and this is not going to change. I never have had a good relationship with tablets since I thought they are an unnatural way of getting better and I didn't want a "tablet" to control and determine my moods. Despite all this I did try some tablets since I was desperate first Efexor XR which didn't do much, then tried Prozac that severely made my situation worse and I couldn't go past 5 days.
I also used to see two psychologists at the time and the fortunate thing that happened to me was in my local area (Sydney Australia) a really good psychologist was running an anxiety treatment group specifically for panic attacks. Although her program itself did not necessarily help me I kept on seeing her in her office since she did something really good. She gave me reassurance. Reassurance was my magic tablet that lasted at least for a few hours. I used to write my problems on paper and see her on weekly basis and go through literally two pages of my problems and my thoughts with her asking for help. I was also seeing another good psychologist on the side who was giving me exercises. I remember coming home doing the exercises desperately only to see they didn't have too much effects on me (I may not have been doing them properly in the first place).
I made every desperate attempt to get better. Anyone who remotely claimed they knew how to make me better would attract my attention in seconds. From buying meditation CDs online, paying money to a TM teacher to help me learn TM meditation, going to yoga classes, you name it, I did it and didn't get results. I browsed through several psychology articles, books, online forums (reading how I shouldn't eat sugar and caffeine and what not) only to find out even if they did have any effects the effect was temporary and I was back to panicking as the new method wore off.
What I did however was I did not give up seeing the psychologist that was running the panic program. She was an angel who would see me for free (even though I offered to pay) and would go through all my thoughts and although she hated giving reassurance she had no other options since I was desperately seeking it.
Now it is time for the magic moment that you have been waiting for. So what made me get better?
The answer is made of three words: Time, change of lifestyle and Indifference
What I found was (and this is something the psychologist mentioned to me indirectly) the more desperately I tried to get better the worse I became. I had turned my panic into a powerful demon that I was afraid of. I was shaking and sweating and trying to get better but that desperation backfired big time.
In mid 2007 I thought to myself I have had all these crazy thoughts and symptoms for a good 15 months. Yet I'm neither dead nor crazy. This realization did not magically make my problems go away but it gradually helped me to degrade their value. Even though I still had the thoughts and they would come as frequently, since they became less and less important week by week I started getting better and the thoughts therefore came less frequently. Subconsciously I also changed my lifestyle. Got myself busy with other things such as focusing on my uni studies more, getting out more, listening to dance music and gradually and slowly doing things that would scare me.
Now is one year since I came to that realization and the thoughts still come once in a blue-moon but they don't have the effects they used to have, and when they come, I think to myself here is that thought again and it is a matter of time before I will be thinking about something else.
The important part is, when I was going through those panic attacks I didn't see any light at the end of tunnel. I was shaking day and night. The best times I had were when I was sleeping. Panic attacks would last all day. I thought this will never change but it did and I'm here to tell you that it will change for you too.
Give it time, change your lifestyle and if you can, see a good and qualified psychologist that can comfort you while you get better. Whatever you do, do not attempt desperately to make things better over night. Panic attacks are too powerful to be beaten overnight. This monster takes time to be killed but trust me it will go away and when it does you make sure you sleep properly, eat properly, exercise properly and keep that momentum up. Get yourself busy with something you really enjoy. Be it work, family, TV, sex, books, travel whatever that it is. Remember whatever is the most important for you will come to you the most. Make sure it is not anxious thoughts that have the highest value.
If I can ever be of assistance my email address is: celinton007@hotmail.com and although I'm quite busy I will try to respond if I get time.
God bless you all
More than two years on and I am in one of the most intense sales industries "recruitment" and I'm loving it.
What I'm going to do here is telling you my story because I feel if someone did this when I had my panic attacks it could possibly calm me down.
To give you a bit of background I have OCD yet I have always been the confident type, the aggressive tough guy with a full contact karate blackbelt, 2 degrees and always wanting to be the best, type of guy. I thought I was so tough and good, never did I ever think in my wildest nightmares I could get "panicy".
In between the years 99-2005 I had developed really bad sleeping habits that had ruined my life. I was not an insomniac, I just enjoyed staying up till 3-4 am in morning, playing pc games, chatting up with friends in other countries etc... and then sleep in the day after and therefore I had a lot of hours lack of sleep per day. While I was doing just fine at uni I always thought I'm getting old and not getting much out of my life. The arguments I had at home didn't help either. Then came Feb 2006 when I actually had to undergo a simple surgery which basically required me to spend most of my time in bed for a few weeks. That whole period was enough for the issues inside me (lack of sleep, self-worth thoughts, arguments) during all these years to burst out.
Slowly I started feeling spacy, feeling my days were actually not reality but dreams, heart palpitation, shortness of breath, butterflies in stomach, feeling dizzy and imbalanced, At first I thought something went wrong during the surgery but after rushing myself twice to the emergency room and going to cardiologist, neurologist and several other doctors and series of tests and xrays and MRIs, all came out clean. Doctors said there is nothing wrong with me physically.
My situation worsened every day. My girlfriend was worried and kept asking me to quit acting like that and as much as I wanted to I simply couldn't. I remember going to restaurants with her and due to fear of going crazy and acting funny, all of a sudden I would go to the bathroom (to avoid the embarrassment) and shake in fear. I couldn't attend uni properly, I was shaking day and night firstly thinking I'm dying and then thinking I'm simply going crazy.
From schizophrenia all the way to depression mania all crossed my mind the whole time. I thought that was it. I am gone for good and this is not going to change. I never have had a good relationship with tablets since I thought they are an unnatural way of getting better and I didn't want a "tablet" to control and determine my moods. Despite all this I did try some tablets since I was desperate first Efexor XR which didn't do much, then tried Prozac that severely made my situation worse and I couldn't go past 5 days.
I also used to see two psychologists at the time and the fortunate thing that happened to me was in my local area (Sydney Australia) a really good psychologist was running an anxiety treatment group specifically for panic attacks. Although her program itself did not necessarily help me I kept on seeing her in her office since she did something really good. She gave me reassurance. Reassurance was my magic tablet that lasted at least for a few hours. I used to write my problems on paper and see her on weekly basis and go through literally two pages of my problems and my thoughts with her asking for help. I was also seeing another good psychologist on the side who was giving me exercises. I remember coming home doing the exercises desperately only to see they didn't have too much effects on me (I may not have been doing them properly in the first place).
I made every desperate attempt to get better. Anyone who remotely claimed they knew how to make me better would attract my attention in seconds. From buying meditation CDs online, paying money to a TM teacher to help me learn TM meditation, going to yoga classes, you name it, I did it and didn't get results. I browsed through several psychology articles, books, online forums (reading how I shouldn't eat sugar and caffeine and what not) only to find out even if they did have any effects the effect was temporary and I was back to panicking as the new method wore off.
What I did however was I did not give up seeing the psychologist that was running the panic program. She was an angel who would see me for free (even though I offered to pay) and would go through all my thoughts and although she hated giving reassurance she had no other options since I was desperately seeking it.
Now it is time for the magic moment that you have been waiting for. So what made me get better?
The answer is made of three words: Time, change of lifestyle and Indifference
What I found was (and this is something the psychologist mentioned to me indirectly) the more desperately I tried to get better the worse I became. I had turned my panic into a powerful demon that I was afraid of. I was shaking and sweating and trying to get better but that desperation backfired big time.
In mid 2007 I thought to myself I have had all these crazy thoughts and symptoms for a good 15 months. Yet I'm neither dead nor crazy. This realization did not magically make my problems go away but it gradually helped me to degrade their value. Even though I still had the thoughts and they would come as frequently, since they became less and less important week by week I started getting better and the thoughts therefore came less frequently. Subconsciously I also changed my lifestyle. Got myself busy with other things such as focusing on my uni studies more, getting out more, listening to dance music and gradually and slowly doing things that would scare me.
Now is one year since I came to that realization and the thoughts still come once in a blue-moon but they don't have the effects they used to have, and when they come, I think to myself here is that thought again and it is a matter of time before I will be thinking about something else.
The important part is, when I was going through those panic attacks I didn't see any light at the end of tunnel. I was shaking day and night. The best times I had were when I was sleeping. Panic attacks would last all day. I thought this will never change but it did and I'm here to tell you that it will change for you too.
Give it time, change your lifestyle and if you can, see a good and qualified psychologist that can comfort you while you get better. Whatever you do, do not attempt desperately to make things better over night. Panic attacks are too powerful to be beaten overnight. This monster takes time to be killed but trust me it will go away and when it does you make sure you sleep properly, eat properly, exercise properly and keep that momentum up. Get yourself busy with something you really enjoy. Be it work, family, TV, sex, books, travel whatever that it is. Remember whatever is the most important for you will come to you the most. Make sure it is not anxious thoughts that have the highest value.
If I can ever be of assistance my email address is: celinton007@hotmail.com and although I'm quite busy I will try to respond if I get time.
God bless you all
