Stress Center Peer Support

I am finding my self recovering and I am terified! I have lived with anxiety and depression my whole life and in a sense feel like I am loosing a piece of my self. I also keep telling my self that as long as I am depressed then it will not hurt as much if something bad happens in my life..this can not be normal or good and halts the recovery process??? I so want to be healed but feel that these problems are a part of me that will not go away. Why am I so damn scared of happiness? I deserve it right? Is a happy normal life scary to anyone else?

Even though I have not fully recovered yet, I can see how the whole freedom of no longer living with anx/dep might be ironically scary...But please understand that you are on the right track and looking back is not what you want to do right now. It will only get better from here...In a way, you should think of these pressing thoughts as the last dredges of your andx/dep feelings trying to tempt you to hang on to them simply b/c it's your "comfort zone", meaning you've lived with it for so long. Keep moving forward and DON'T look back, what you're feeling now will pass as you bask in your new HAPPIER life!!!

I never experienced any physical symptoms @ all prior to my anxiety disorder triggering in APR 2005. However, upon my getting "schooled" in all things anxiety disorder during my journey to recovery (therapy w/ a psychiatrist + journaling + research = reading loads & loads of books + Lucinda's program), I realized I had the personality traits as far back as 5 YEARS OLD. Now, do the math: I was 37 when it triggered. That means, for apprx 32+ yrs I had been living in this cest pool of negativity. That is a longggggggggg time. I just didn't know different or better. When I began to understand what anxiety disorder was, I literally said to myself (& my therapist to be honest) "what the hell have I been doing to myself - omg".

I had been "this way" for so long, it was a PART OF WHO & WHAT I was. It was an "assumed" part of who & what I was. When I realized there were aspects of my personality that needed changing + when I realized just how many negative things about my personality there were - I asked myself "who the hell am I?" I was releaved & frightened @ the same time. I was releaved, because I found out the "lies" this "thing" had been telling me for all those years were just that, LIES. Kind of like: "wow, so they aren't true? I don't have feel this way + think this way + act/react this way? I am not alone in this world or life? I don't have to feel so frightened all the time? I don't have to feel so insecure all the time? I am a wonderful/strong/loving/kind/smart giving woman? For me it felt like a reprieve = that same feeling you get when you have a headache & desperately want relief - you take an ADVIL & the relief starts - you feel that headache starting to go away. You then let out a sigh of relief. Make sense? lol, I can confuse my own self, hahahahah It was FRIGHTENING @ the same time - veryyyyyyyyyy frightening. You see, I remember thinking to myself(as previously stated), "well, darn - if I strip away those negative things about me that need changing - who the hell am I? What & who am I really? What are my likes & dislikes? What type of person do I want to be?" This frightened me, because this cest pool of negativity had deeply embedded itself into the core of me. It was familiar - & safe = it was all I knew = I had PERFECTED IT. Recovery meant I learn to trust myself - & I knew I didn't. Recovery meant I become self sufficient & self accountable. Recovery meant I become emotionally independant - I was never really. Recovery meant I learn to turn TO ME for MY ANSWERS - THAT SO FRIGHTENED ME @ THE TIME - I cried, literally. I so doubted me, I didn't think I had what it takes, over-all. Call me CORNEY, but I am crying now as I right this - cause I realize I PROVED MYSELF WRONG! I proved ANXIEY DISORDER & DEPRESSION WRONG - <span class="ev_code_RED">so too will you TALULA TALULA</span>.

The journey to recovery is frightening & hard. However, you know what really helped me? Honestly? <span class="ev_code_RED">FIRST: </span>I was damn miserable. The state the worst of ANXIETY DISORDER & THEN, DEPRESSION were creating for me (in their totality) were worse on me than the thought of healing/growing/changing/evolving. I simply wanted to FEEL BETTER. That singular desire was stronger than anything these 2 ailments could throw @ me. Oh sure, I was frightened as all heck along the way - many a times, my knees would literally shake as I was facing my fears & changing - cross my heart honest. <span class="ev_code_RED">SECOND: </span> I thought back to the burdens I had placed on myself for carrying this negative state of being w/ me all those years - I mean I got real honest w/ myself. I thought back to how I TRULY/HONESTLY felt all those years - I didn't feel good. I was filled w/ deep deep anger + emotional pain + fear + resentment so deep & hard you'd swear I had cement through me opposed to blood - that is how strong my "I WAS WRONGED + I AM RIGHT & DAMN THEY WILL KNOW IT + I AM NOT LETTING GO OF THIS" attitude & mindset was. I had low self esteem & was beyond insecure. All negative things. Now, sure, I had been wronged in a multiple of ways. There were events in my early years that did directly contribute to my emotional state. However, I was living in the past, NOW, as the past. Thing is, they were UST THAT, the past - done w/, gone - I was denying myself & hurting myelf. I was doing myself a dis-service. I was denying myself inner peace - freedom - the chance for the WOMAN LENORE - to be who & all she chooses. I was denying myself the chance to be happy - . I realized I had all the RIGHT reasons to GO FOR IT - opposed to MY DOING NOTHING & festering further in the cest pool of all things anxiety disorder & depression.

Now, having recovered fr anxiety disorder completely & I'd say 90% recovered fr depression - let me tell you this TALULA TALULA - OH PLS SWEETIE - go for it, take the journey - do the work, it will be hard - but oh lord, beyond worth it - cross my heart (2x's) honest. While I am admittingly still working out some quirks here & there, I am no longer living in the constant state of negativity & self doubt. I am no longer angry/bitter/resentful - I am @ peace - @ a level I had never known all my life. I've learned to turn to me & trust that "inner voice = gut instinct = God voice" I have. I am able to feel hope + love + inspiration again. I have dreams, imagine that - WAY COOL! I feel LIFE AGAIN - if that makes sense. I am breaking free - I've given myself her TRUE INDEPENDENCE from both: the negativity & the past. I am now my own woman - responsible for me & my own happiness. I have created a very nice life for myself - my own family included - filled w/ wonderful friends & a SHIH POO PUPPY "GINGER" we refer to as our HAIRY FACED DAUGHER, lol! All good things.

Keep going in the direction you are going. Do the program - don't believe the lies anxiety disorder & depression are telling you. I have been there & God be my witness, they are all that lies.

Your Friend,

Lenore

I definately can relate to what you experienced and discovered about yourself. I just started having this anxiety disorder a year and a half ago and never had the physical symptoms that goes along with it prior to that time. It shocked me for a while!

I am learning more about myself and how my thought processing over the years led up to this.
I'm on CD 6 and sometimes I feel like I'm making progress and then there is a setback.
Would you say that the Lucinda program helped you the most? Did you go through the whole program to get to full recovery or was it sooner?

Hey you're not alone. I too feel frightened by my recovery. I have been like this since I was at least 6. I am getting better, but I fight it the whole time. Depression, anxiety, and fear were sometimes all I had for company. People couldn't stand being around me. I always felt like a freak. I still feel like a freak. It's like performing a delicate mental surgery.

I am 20 years old. I am young, but I believe I can finish the program successfully. I have to do finish it because I can't spend another year or even 10 years with my anxiety.

Also I don't want to say goodbye to another loved one because of my mental problems. I don't want to lose anymore friends and boyfriends. I loved my last one, but things were going well and that scared me. I ruined it because I was afraid. I have a journal that said I was worried that my relationship wouldn't fail. It makes me feel sick inside. I don't want to ruin my life. I sometimes feel like I am drowning.

Lucinda says in session 3 " How much do you want this?" In answer to her question, "I want it more than anything in the world." When I finish the program I will possess the tools to handle anxious feelings. I expect to feel less anxiety and anger.

God Bless,
Krissy

You all are awesome thank you so much for your comments and support! I hope you all come back and read this and know that just having others feel the same way puts me at ease...I know I should turn to my self, but I am guilty and this helps!
To answer your question Chai, I am in session 4 now. It is really wierd because I think just the infomercial had a big impact on me! I have felt this way for so long and even though I viseted MANY drs was on WAY to MANY DRUGS, no one ever diagnosed this???? No one told me that I was not the only one having MRIs because of made up brain tumors! What made it even worse is that no one understood how I felf. I am married and my husband worries about NOTHING, a bus could be coming head on at him and he would still not even stress! I have been with him for 7 years and he thinks that these are my "hormones" I am "over reacting" and I just need to "chill out", now he says these things but still holds me through all my BIG panic attacks, which is so much to me, but at the end of the day he does not understand, So one Sat we are sitting watching TV and I see this infomercial and the lady on it says one comment 'I thought I had a brain tumor". I then looked at my husband crying, and said...I am not the only one~! I watched the rest of the program and lo and behold.....all the symtoms were mine as well. I ordered the program before the 1/2 show was over. So I think that that right there just finding out that others felt the same way I did was huge for me, but lord knows I am finding ways to mess up what progress I have made. I will finish the program, but I am scared, I have never been sane or functional? What do these people do? Also still worried that when I am happy and something goes wrong, it will hurt more right? Negitive thought....is numb bad when you predict the worse?