Stress Center Peer Support

Hi,

After having a "close call" with a depressive episode, I decided that I was going to have to go on an antidepressant even though I did not want to and had been putting it off for a long time. My friends and family suggested that I should also go to counseling if I was going to be on medication. Since my husband and I had been having some difficulties with our relationship, I decided to start with marriage counseling. The psychologist I chose seemed to understand from the first session what was going on, I thought, and it felt very reassuring to know that a professional was understanding how I felt. However, my husband, who really did not like the idea of counseling in the first place, started to really dislike this counselor after about the 3rd session. Since I thought it was helping me and it looked like my husband did not want to continue to talk to this guy, I decided to continue with this counselor on my own, but my husband got furious with me for doing that. (The counselor suggested that my husband was being emotionally abusive and controlling.) In a heated argument, I told my husband that I wanted him to get counseling on his own. He ended up getting an appointment with a family therapist that he wanted us both to go to. This family therapist did not want me to talk with my other counselor and we were supposed to only talk to her about our problems. It seemed like my husband was relating to this new counselor a little better, so I continued to go. But after a while, I could see that she was starting to suggest the same kind of treatment activities as the other counselor was, only it took her a lot longer to get to that point. After 3 sessions of her telling us exactly the same thing, I realized something was not working and I told my husband I would not go back to see her again. I really wanted to go back to the counselor I started with, but my husband said if I did I might as well "sign the papers." Then I saw Lucinda's program advertised on television, which looked like the perfect opportunity for me to get the help I needed for my depression and anxiety without the need for counselors. I ordered it and got it a few weeks ago (but of course my husband got angry that I did that without asking him first, especially when it is so expensive.) and I think it will be very helpful (and actually cheaper in the long run than going to a counselor for many months). My husband recruited the pastor of our church and some church members to try to convince me that we needed a Christian counselor. I had been steering away from a Christian counselor only because I am dealing with a rather controlling husband and I have already heard from our Christian community on what a "good wife" is supposed to be like. I did not want to continue to hear about how I am supposed to give my husband what he wants because he is the head of the household and I am supposed to put his needs above just about everything else. (I am simplifying a bit.) I feel I understand what a "Christian" marriage should look like. God should be the head of the family. Yes, I need to respect my husband, but it is really hard to respect someone who is usually critical and makes us all feel like we are never good enough. Our pastor asked me once what I thought being a submissive wife meant to me. I told him I believe it means I can see God working through my husband and that because he puts God before anything else I can feel safe and actually want to follow his lead because of that. My pastor agreed with me and said that a good Christian counselor would not tell me I had to do everything my husband told me to do, but I feel my husband's idea of a submissive wife is a bit different and he would take any information and twist it to fit his way of thinking regardless.

Anyway, I eventually agreed to see a Christian counselor, but we have not actually made an appointment yet because I wanted to see how well Lucinda's program would work for me. I had been feeling a lot more anxiety just being around my husband, and I wanted to see if I could get a handle on that myself, then maybe we would not need a counselor. I guess I am wondering if I should continue with just the program, do the program along with Christian marriage counseling, or maybe do the program along with my original psychologist? I really want our family to get better, but right now I feel that if I concentrate on getting myself better then a lot of other things will fall into place. I would really appreciate any advice, guidance or suggestions anyone might have.

Thank you.

Hi, I would work the program AND try to find a counselor that both of you felt comfortable with. You're in a difficult boat b/c your husband didn't like what the first counselor said so he doesn't want you going back there. He may be having a hard time with someone laying it on the line to him.
My ex husband and I had a counselor through our church. She was good plus there was no cost involved. I had been to a therapist on my own for two years, and it ended up costing a lot. This Christian counselor called both of us out when need be. I just had an easier time accepting my areas to work on while he wasn't willing to see that he needed to work also. He'd get offended and yell. So sometimes, I think a counselor can only do so much if the person being counseled isn't willing to go in and make an honest effort. My ex eventually wouldn't go anymore, but I continued on for my sake and don't regret it.
Here's a few thoughts on being submissive:
Submission is a natural response to loving leadership. When a husband loves his wife as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25-33), then submission is a natural response from a wife to her husband. The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.
Please keep us posted on how it's going and good luck to you!

Here's what doesn't make sense to me. You say your husband tries to obey God above all else, yet if you go see the first counselor he's ready for a divorce? Did I get that right? And if I did, isn't there someting wrong with the logic of seeking to obey God yet wanting a divorce over you seeing a counselor? Where in scripture does it say that it's okay to divorce your wife on this basis? So, it sounds like he's not that serious about obeying God but wants what he wants. Am I missing something here?

I only have your side of it, but it sounds like he's more for control than love. I can understand being somewhat upset over making a $500 purchase without his okay or knowledge, but it sounds like he has control issues.

(The counselor suggested that my husband was being emotionally abusive and controlling.)

From what you have presented that is how it sounds to me also. Why did you stop going to the counselor you and he were going to? If he/she was advising the same things as the first one, why did you stop going?

My own experience in Christian circles is that there are some very controlling folks in these circles who can be abusive as well as some very kind, loving people as well. I pesonally think that reading scripture can cause some people's conduct to be overbearing, abusive, and controlling and they are blind to it. It seems to me that they get a distorted view that God is a taskmaster and we all have to tow the line through obedience, just like in the Old Testament or God will zap us or something. In other words, they really don't trust God and His Spirit to work in people's hearts and lives but seek to control and coerce obedience through manipulation.

I would suggest going with what you think you need to do.