just venting

Lizzybee · Post by **Lizzybee** » Wed Oct 25, 2006 1:30 pm

Hello all,

I just have some things on my mind and want to vent...here goes...

so I beleive I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember. It's changed some in what I'm focused on, but I guess all have the same scared feeling...dying.

I can remember when I was little washing my hands a lot because I feared that if I got something on them (like gas) and then if I touched my mouth or something it would make me sick.

When I got older I remember first being scared that a fire would break out in my house. I would stay up nights because of it. Then it progressed into dieases.

Now every ache and pain I have is something bad. If I have a headache it's going to be an anurisum. If my arm feels numb it's a heart attack.

About a year ago my anxiety reared it's ugly head. I found the show Friends, and scrapbooking helped. Then my boyfriend of 5 years proposed and I became distracted planning my wedding. So for 6 months I was ok. Then about two months after the wedding I had my first panic attack. The receptionist at work was going on vacation for two weeks, and me, being the former receptionist, was stuck covering while she was gone. Now what you have to understand is that while I was the receptionist I hated it. I loathed it. I begged to be moved to another position. I would dream about going into work and wake up anxious. Finally they hired someone and gave me another position (but they didn't tell me they hired anyone until the day she showed up) So needless to say I was not looking forward to going back up to that desk. I asked another former receptionist if she would split the time with me and she declined. I can't say that I blame her. So my first day at the front desk...my boss walks in and wonders where Tanya is. I said she is on vacation for two weeks. My boss had no idea. Then my next question was how I was supposed to do my regular job because part of my job was to be on the phone, and to fax and copy and I obviously can't do that at the front desk. (and if you haven't figured it out yet, yes, I was supposed to do my full time job and hers) So the solution was to have my lunch backup(which also happened to be the friend that I asked to help me) come up and cover me for two hours. Now I was supposed to take an hour lunch break so that only gave me an hour to work on everything else. That was an impossible thing to do. Then it became said to me in not so many words that the two hours that she came up to the front was to be spent at my desk working on my stuff. So basically I wasn't allowed to take a lunch. I worked ten hours one day without a lunch. And no one cared, no one offered to help. One of the other ladies in my department was leaving the company and that was the excuse I got for them not being able to help me. So again I had dreams about going, I dreading going back from the time I got home until the next morning. Then one night I was in the shower and all of a sudden I couldn't breath. I was having a panic attack. Once the receptionist came back I would sit at my desk and worry about my health. I would go home and sit in front of the tv. My husband didn't know what to do. I felt alone, and very frustrated. I finally saw a doc, and I decided to quit. No job was worth it. I don't regret doing it.

The doc put me on Zoloft, but after talking to my uncle who is a chiropractor he recommened a natural herb, passion flower. Which I started taking, and I like better than zoloft. I think it helps some, but not as much as I wish it would.

Once I quit that helped. I stayed at home for two weeks and relaxed and read a lot. I loved to sit outside.

There was still a lot of pressure on me though. My husband is wanting to move to AZ from OH. I'm very close to my parents and my friends and I was having a hard time with the whole situation. So I had to tell my parents about the move (and they are not happy) and sign papers to put our house up for sale. STRESSFUL!

After two weeks I stated looking for a job. I was lucky and found one at a wedding shop. It's what I wanted, but they didn't pay well. And now my hours have been cut A LOT and now it just isn't worth me being there. So now I'm looking again, and I stressed because we have no money. And because of that my husband wants to go ahead and go to AZ. Apparently there is a job out there where he can make a lot of money. I just can't think of him leaving for months at a time.

And I was pregnant last month, but I lost it. I wouldn't have known that I was pregnant if I hadn't taken a test so I've definitly decided not to take one until I know for sure that my period is way late.

So these past few days I've been sitting at home, which I'm sure doesn't help. And all I can think of is that my leg feels numb, and sometimes my arm. And I get twinges of pain in my head and in my back.

I've finally started the program. I've listened to the first cd twice and did the homework, and I've listed to the 2nd session and I just listened to the relaxation cd today, but it's not helping. And I don't feel like I can talk to my husband becuase he sort of makes fun of me, or doesn't give me the support I need.

I then I wonder how am I supposed to know when something really is wrong? I am afraid that people will just say it's my anxiety.

Well I know this is long, but it feels good to get it out. I'd love feedback, additional venting, advice, whatever you think will help!

Thanks for listening

Rebecca2 · Post by **Rebecca2** » Fri Oct 27, 2006 12:32 am

How are you doing now? I've been reading some of your posts. How's the pregnancy going? I just found out that I'm pregnant and I'm pretty freaked out even though my husband and I have been trying for a few months.

I'm just wondering how you are.
Rebecca

Barb G. · Post by **Barb G.** » Fri Oct 27, 2006 1:26 am

Lizzybee..In your post you said "I was pregnant last month but I lost it" did you mean you lost the baby or you lost control because of being pregnant? I hope you didn't lose the baby. Sounds like you have a lot going on but maybe if your husband has a higher paying job in AZ you won't need to work, you'll have nice weather, may meet new friends and hopefully your family wll want to come visit in a warmer climate. It is stressful selling your home. We've been in that position since May. Just believe things have a way of working out. Husbands don't always understand our emotions,anxiety or dp. Feel free to come on anytime and vent. Prayers to you for peace of mind and freedom from anxiety, dp and panic attacks.

Lizzybee · Post by **Lizzybee** » Fri Oct 27, 2006 2:14 am

I unfortunatly lost the baby. I'm still upset about it, and very jealous of another friend who is pregnant, but there was a reason I lost it, and when it is supposed to happen it will. I just wish it was sooner rather than later

Rebecca2 · Post by **Rebecca2** » Fri Oct 27, 2006 3:23 am

Sounds like you're being very strong. I hope you're doing ok.
How are you coming along with the the program program?

cfe · Post by **cfe** » Fri Oct 27, 2006 3:34 am

Change is very hard, any change especially for "us", We like same predictable, but life is wild, and exciting. My husband just bought a car, I am looking for something I like about it, because he truly loves it, and it has made him feel better about himself. I liked the old one, I liked the one next to the one he bought, but He has a Hemmey (something in the moter I guess. face it the wheels go round and round, and it will get me wear I am going with, I am excited for him. It sounds like your husband needs you to be excited for him. he has found a better paying job, and if you want children, why do you want to work. Stress can make your body do things. Don't sit there and worry, about life. Live it, your husband is your partner. put yourself in his shoes, and find the good in his dream. and live!
Bless you and yours
Cheri

Lizzybee · Post by **Lizzybee** » Sat Oct 28, 2006 8:36 am

I'm going really slow on the program. I've had the program for three months, but it took me a month to even start listening to it. I'm listening to tape two for the second time. It is amazing because everything that Lucinda says is what I feel, but even thought I know that it's still hard to believe that nothing is wrong with me.

I would have no problem moving to Arizona if it was just me and my husband. I would definitly miss my friends, but I would still keep in touch. But my parents and I are so close that's what's keeping me from not wanting to go and not being happy. And my husband wants to go now...by himself...until the house sells...and I would stay here...I don't think so!

I do have another question...how do I get my husband to undertand what anxiety is? He wants me talk to him and tell him what I'm thinking but when I do he makes me feel really stupid and just says a lot of negative things that really don't help.

Thanks all for listening.

tyft33 · Post by **tyft33** » Sat Oct 28, 2006 8:59 am

it will be hard to move, that will add alot of extra stress and anxiety, so I would stick with the program. I suggest you have someone talk to your husband that is a professional or someone else. get him some literature on it so he sees its not just you it is a disorder and can read up on it. He can even go online or on this site. Arizona does help if you are use to winter though, it took away my seasonal depression!

cfe · Post by **cfe** » Sat Oct 28, 2006 9:35 am

Go on to lesson 3, don't get stuck you will never see the hole pictuer, if you don't move on. Move you are stuck not only on this lesson, but in your life. You can't choose your parents over your husband, they have each other, and you have your choice, your partner, your husband, and you want to start a new famil. My parents left me. They moved 1000 miles away. That was their choice, I missed them I thought I needed them, I had young children they were a big part in my childrens lives, but the had to make a choice for their happyness.

Perhaps it is a seperation phobia, you are dealing with. When you married you sepperated, even from your friends, we all do, bacause we have to build our own nest, our own identy, together. now my kids are out there with my parents, they moved away. I am here on the home place but this is my place, mine and my husbands. We live here and they live there, we will go out and visit for christmas, and they come to visit, the world is really very small, these days.

Alot of literature came with my kit, your husband could read or he could watch the DVD's even listen to the CD's. You may be to emotional to get it acress to him. I know with my man, he dosn't listen well when I am crying.

"Take my advice and do as you please" my Dad

Cheri

Dazed and Confused · Post by **Dazed and Confused** » Sat Nov 08, 2008 3:05 pm

Lizzy,
I am experiencing very similar hypochondriac feelings as we speak. Right now I am having weird pressure on the right side of my head causing me to think it is either an aneurysm, tumor, or more likely a migraine. At moments I calm down, but other times I get these waves of panic attacks with nausea and my head feeling even more off. Obviously this isn't necessarily important, but it helps me vent.
Whenever I have anxiety attacks I always come to this forum rather than go to WebMD anymore since that just freaks me out more. Usually finding that people have the exact same symptoms as you makes you feel better (expect when you start thinking "what if" and get another wave of shaking and heart racing...fun fun fun).
I just got back from Italy a few weeks ago, and since then everything has been different, and I've noticed I've been getting a lot more "head issues." I actually do have TMJ on my left side, which freaked me out because one night it was numb so I thought I was having a stroke. Tonight my right side of my head is having issues.
I am very unhappy in the job that I am in. I just turned 26, and I feel like my life is wasting away. I want to go back to school to distract me from the monotony of my current lifestyle, but I worry that it won't be worth it. I am also in my first relationship ever, and we have been together for 5 months and still haven't had sex because I am a virgin and am really scared of it. He is the most caring and supportive guy ever and I really do love him, so that helps, but it is still another issue that I constantly think about. I think all of these triggers are leading to my overactive imagination and hypochondria right now, turning my migraine into a molehill. I actually went through the program 2 years ago and am thinking about redoing it since my panic attacks are coming back.
Beside the point. Having someone there to support you makes all the difference in the world. I realized the best way to get people to understand is first saying "This is my issue, and it is likely in my head, but I need to talk about it to make me feel better." People can appreciate it more when you own up to it being more likely anxiety than something serious. Try this approach with your husband, and he will likely show you more sympathy. As I have to tell myself right now while laying in bed having waves of anxiety...if there is something wrong there is something wrong, but I can't do anything about it now. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat.