Stress Center Peer Support

I've been dating a man for about seven months. We've been friends for two years before that. I love him. He loves me. We are a wonderful couple, the best of friends and very supportive and understanding of each other. Sounds wonderful -- and maybe it is, but I'm scared.

He has three children from a previous marriage. I know the kids. They are great kids. But, I never really imagined having kids. I might as well have been hatched from an egg as far as the parenting I got, so I don't really have any good experience to look back on. And, I just feel like I have NO clue what I'm doing.

Everytime his exwife has the kids, some kind of DRAMA always comes up where he has to leave and go handle a situation with the kids because she just can't. I'm not saying everyday...just at least once or twice during each of her visitation periods, which is every other week, she comes up with something.

Last night it ruined our my boyfriend and my first Christmas. He had to run off twice and ended up bringing one of the kids back with him. Now this I understand, but at the same time, I am jealous and angry....which I feel guilty about.

I am so scared I am not going to be able to handle this situation -- but this is the man I know I want to be with. I just am not for sure what to do with everything I feel. I was so sad when he had to leave that I cried when he was gone, which I feel childish and selfish about.

I woke up in a panic attack and began laughing because I KNEW it was because of last night and the drama...and the building it up in my head. All I could think was, Oh My Lord! This is going to be my life. What am I thinking? But I can't shake the fact that I love my guy and he truly is my best friend.

I will also say that he is being uber supportive about everything. He tells me he doesn't expect me to be their mom. That we will work everything out, because that's what "we" do as a team. It's who we are. He also tells me my feelings are ligitimate. So, I probably couldn't ask for better on that front.

Talking to my girlfriends this morning I found myself asking -- Is life just going to be hard no matter which road you choose? Because if it is, and that is true, then I want to be with the man I'm with now. If life is going to be hard, I want to go through the hard times with him. But I find myself wondering if that is a good statement to rely on or believe in.

And I'm afraid of self sabotage. It would be so easy at this point to throw my arms up and walk away...but I believe it would be the biggest mistake i've ever made to walk away. It seems so silly to walk away from someone so great because I'm scared that this is going to be difficult.

I need to know that it won't always be this hard. I need to know I'm not the only person in the world who feels this way. And I need to feel that I'm doing the right thing for me.

Last night was a lot to digest so I would just really appreciate some commaraderie from those who have been there or who are there.

Anyone have a good word for me?
Thanks

Hey lilsismj:
Those are quite normal feelings you are having. Just know that that is what married life will be like. Him running off for the kids. Be glad he is so into his kids. there are many dads who don't care one way or the other. I can understand about the jealousy and the anger. You see it as a way of his ex getting his attention and taking time away from you. As he said anything about marriage to you. Talking about how you feel when he has to leave and telling him what you are thinking about the situation. Does he think his ex wife can't handle the kids or just one of them? Is there one kid who gets his ex wife crazy?
You also said you didn't think you wanted to have children of your own. Is that because of your childhood or lack of parents in your life?Many times we bring that stuff with us.The program will help you with that.
Just have a heart to heart with your man. Ask him what role you would play in the children's lives? You aren't their mother and you don't have to be. You are not replacing her. Mothers can't be replaced. For good or bad. Whatever the situation is. Leave all of the discipline of the children with him. You would only be viewed as an outsider and have no credibility.So that worry should be taken care of. Hang in there. See what your man has to say about all that bothers you. It is nice to find someone who understands you and it willing to stand by you through thick and thin. That is a rare quality. Good Luck!

His ex is actually not very capable and makes a lot of situations worse -- both of us do feel that way.

I do tell him my fears because we have talked about marriage and he is so understanding. We are VERY open about everything. I've actually never thought I could be so honest with someone as I am with him...and he is the same with me.

The love he has for his children is a big part of what makes me love him so much -- that may be why I feel so guilty when I get upset.

Actually the statement of "You are not their mother and can't replace her," makes me feel TONS better. The label of instant mother scares me, so that has actually been a comfort. Just not so sure what I'm doing...and I guess it all comes down to that.

I don't know what I'm doing and I just guess I need to know that there are others out there that have been through it (like the program and issues) and that can say -- that's normal. You're doing fine.

And I'm really still trying to grasp the concept of making my own rules and no sense of failure. And, well...haven't totally gotten there yet.