Stress Center Peer Support

Hi everyone,

I am feeling extremely desperate for answers, help, advice, encouragement, discouragement, anything!

I have to decide this week whether to stay in this relationship, keep going with things and buy a house we were planning on last fall, (we have an agreement in place and are living there right now so we either have to buy or move) our mortgage payment will be the same as rent- we couldnt rent what we have for that! -------or I make a jump and move on for once and for all- however, my fears are realistic- I have no family in the area and will live alone only have my horses and job and be financially strapped and stressed.. and ALONE! (we all know how horrible this disorder is alone) I have some abandonment issues from my past too- but dont get me wrong I enjoy life living alone- I basically live alone now the amount he works-
btw: I am a negative thinker! I know it! this is a problem for us too-

background: I have been in a relationship for going on 4 years and we have had our ups and downs. We are both young professionals and were together as we both completed school, we had a brief separation but got back together. We have come a long way together! Our main issues are: communication, I dont ask well and he doesnt communicate at all- we are working on this, the biggest issue- we are to similar I think sometimes, we are BEST friends and confidents but there isnt much physical attraction, we dont 'bring' out any different areas of each other, its the same thing, we both work way to hard and he ALWAYS puts everything ahead of me- work, work, his dog, his truck, etc. do I need to embrace the comfort of our relationship? I tend to change a lot, move a lot, comes from my childhood- I dont know stability- do I need to just get comfortable with us? I know the passion in a relationship doesnt last but am I missing something? Are best friends first the most important and then love grows? there is no romance or spark at all-
our good is: we are best friends, we support eachother 100% there is no abuse from either side in anyway, we have the same goals and dreams.. He works hard for us but doesnt ever take any romantic time for us, he understands this and wants to try- his love for me has NEVER WAIVERED!(which is so important to me) he would make a great dad and hubby, hes so handy and hard working- I wish I had more time but I am running out of time with this decision- he is 100% on this, wants me the house everything he even asked me what I would say last week if he asked me to marry him- we are going to be short for money which means we will be borrowing from another source (as you can see this isnt exactly easy..) I try and tell myself that I am on gods path (I forced things my whole life) and this is fate, we got this house, we couldnt find anything similar for the price, it is a dream come true for both of us BUT my feelings are doubt right now. Is this normal? Last week I was excited this I am scared and want to run- which all of the stress is adding up to IMMENSE depression I am barely making it through the work day- WHAT DO I DO? I always have thought a lot of our issues stem from my disorder but now I am wondering if our issues are making the disorder worse?!?! I am so backwards! I am running out of time.. help!

ANYONE HAVE ANY THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS/ADVICE- I know its hard on here to know the whole situation but I am desperate for anything!

THANKS A MILLION EVERYONE!

Maeggie,
I know you are a daughter of God, and that our faith can waiver in times of trials and tribulations. But you belong to HIM and HE will NOT let you down. You're body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. God dwells within you and He has already overcome and given you victory! I pray for the depression, anxiety and panic to be placed at the foot of Jesus' most Holy Cross where He died for you- you mean that much to HIM. Girl, He is with you and will see you through this! Take all of your negative thoughts and give them to the Lord. Once those are gone you will see that you have someone who is there for you and is your best friend (that's so hard to find), an exciting opportunity to be a homeowner, a job that pays the bills and so much more! You are one lucky person!
This disorder won't beat us. I heard an explanation of it being like turning a ship. It takes a whole mile to make a 180 degree turn. The rudder has to be turned all the way. It doesn't FEEL like you're turning, but you are. You have to keep that rudder turned or the ship will revert back to it's old course. Our minds have to stay focused on the positive in our lives and slowly but surely, we WILL get turned around and on the right course. It's already happening and it's just a matter of time! Hang in there and keep your eyes on JESUS! He will help you steer and keep you safe! God bless you and hold you in His arms, sweet lady!

My Angel Bev,

Have you ever considered becoming a minister? You speak such beautiful words. I dont know how you always know, but you do, you always know exactly what to say, when to say it, and how to say it gracefully. You are incredible girl! I hope you re-read the post to me as I hope you relize how far you have also come, and how much you have helped other people through their journeys.. I like to say, small steps to big miles, but havent been able to say that to myself. Your words are so correct, if I give my negative thoughts to god then what I am left with is, my best friend, my wonderful little furry family, a new home, and yes, a job that pays the bills.. geez, I needed that reality check, why is it that anxiety is so overwhelming? it consumes you, rocks your entire world all at one time?...

Thank you so much for taking the time and energy to respond. I am going to print this, take it with me and re-read.. re-read! You are the best!

Maeggie,

My question would be: what are you doing to get over the anxiety so that you can make a Free decision about your future.

God is with us all the time, however, as my mom once said-"If I put the vacumn cleaner in the middle of the living room-He is not going to take the time to do My sweeping."

We have to step up and utilize His grace. I believe in you...it sounds like the relationship is the real issue...have you sought some relationship counseling?

On your side, Carolyn

Carolyn,

I feel so honoured to get a posting from you! Thank you so much!

You offer wonderful advice. I have been working on the program for a few months now. I truly adore it and I see the power it has however, I am still combating major depression with meds and learning the balance of both.

Your Mother was a smart women, shes right, I think that would make a great bumper sticker- get everyone thinking a little more about their actions.

We have not explored relationship counseling, I will look into that more in depth. I believe the situation as a whole (first time home buyers also) has stress coming out of my seams so much so that everything seems wrong. I also work full time in family law therefore, as you can imagine, all I see is horrible relationships, people going after eachother, divorces, custody disputes and nasty litigation, I need to understand this is also a trigger for me, it creates a lot of fear which rubs off on my personal life.

I wonder when you say, "step up and utilize his grace" do you mean grab life by the horns? or do you mean worship him and trust him for answers? forgive me as I have never been exposed to religion and am 'self discovering' for myself. Any tips on how to gain some insight into the faith of religion?

It was again, an honour to hear from you, I truly appreciate your time, energy and thoughts especially coming from a women of such genuine wisom.

Maeggie,
I was in a relationship for years and there was no attraction but all the things you mentioned, friendship, no abuse no fighting. I think you should look at your reasoning for staying. Is it to keep from being alone or is it because you love him and want to be with him. My reasons deep down inside were selfish it was to keep myself from being alone and afraid. Truly I was using him. I eventually set him free so he could find true love with someone who could return that love. I knew he wasn't the one but he was safe. I am now married to someone else and am much happier. My life is much richer. I had to quit deceiving myself.
Best to you
Kathleenjh

Hi Kathleen,

Thank you so much for sharing your story, it is a valid point that I think has merit in my situation. I wish I knew what the right thing to do is, of course we all do, but I am going to evaluate whether I am also deceiving myself. This is a tough one. Thanks again.

Kathleen, I forgot to ask you, would you say that you changed between relationships? can you say that who you are now wouldnt appreciate the man you were with before? I wonder sometimes if my mental health reflects on us (as it does everything else) ? curious..

MaeggieYes, I very much changed between relationships.  I took time off from all dating after that and spent time figuring what I wanted instead of taking what came my way and making do. In response to your ? .....who I am now, appreciating who I was with before. It wasn't a question of appreciating who I was with. It was a question of, was I really in love with him or was I just comfortable like you are with a friend. Time and distance showed me I was with someone who wouldn't like who I am today.  I am not the same needy insecure panicy woman I was with him.  I have figured out, who I was with him, is what I needed to be with him or it wouldn't have worked out at all.  My favorite saying is "water seeks it's own level" We were a match.  He was with me because of his insecurities and I was with him because of mine.  But as I grew he was uncomfortable with it and it began to wear on us. My truth doesn't mean it is your truth but my truth kept whispering to me and I kept pushing it to the back of my mind.  Eventually it become pretty obvious to me I was cheating us both. He wouldn't have been interested in me if I was without my issues.  They were a guarantee I wouldn't leave.  If he would have grown with me that would have been a different story. But he liked it the way it was and I didn't. He wasn't mean to me or abusive in anyway.  In fact he proposed to me frequently and said I was the love of his life. But I didn't feel the same way, and I told him that.   He wanted me to stay in the mold I created in the beginning. He was in love with being "in love". What an ego bust when he turned around and immediatley found someone else, it didn't last. It did show me I made the right decision. If I was the love of his life why did he rush out and take on someone else within a week? I hope this helps you. It may be so different from your circumstances but if it helps at all I am happy I wrote to you. God Bless and good luck.
Kathleen

Maeg~
I have been married to a great guy for 10 yrs.
Our relationship sounds alot like yours, Great but need more intimate times. He works alot but its all for us. He puts his whole check in the bank every week. No bars,no drugs,no bullcrap.
I really think you should put more effort into
telling him what you need out of your relationship instead of throwing it away.
I truly believe that these kinds of relationships come once in a lifetime.
I get frustrated sometimes too.I feel like the tv gets more attention than I do,then I realize thats his chill time and get over it.
Maybe you need to show him or tell him you need "us" time. Make a date,make it fun. Set up date times for a couple nights a week and stay committed. Its been ten years since I dated but the idiots,losers and users are still fresh in my mind. I wouldnt trade my man for the world!
THINK ABOUT IT