Stress Center Peer Support

Hi,
I went through this program several years ago and I was doing really well. We moved to California and then back to Ohio. I had my 3rd child (wow, I've done alot in a few short years =)

My anxiety is back with a vengance. Last fall, I had taken my kids to a beautiful botanical gardens where we played tag and walked the trails for about an hour and a half. Afterward I stopped at the store briefly for a few produce items. My 2 oldest were playing the "rock, paper, scissors game" and wanted to just sit tight.
I took the one year old in and got the items, came out and pulled out and police officer appeared out of the blue. He told me that he was charging me with child endangerment since my kids sat in the car for a few minutes. The doors were locked, it was 60's, the car had sat for over an hour at the gardens and was not hot when we got in. I knew it would not get too hot. Apparently some woman peered into my minivan's tinted windows and called the police.

I had no idea that if there is no law, you could be charged with a major crime for running into a store for a few minutes! I remember picking my child up from school and the door wasn't locked and no teacher or admin staff in sight, someone could have grabbed my child and I certainly didn't call the police at the school!

The prosecutor was horrible! He yelled, he tried to belittle me and told me that if I didn't accept his plea deal that he would attempt to have me put in jail for 6 months.

My one year old was still breastfeeding! I was so incredibly scared that I took the plea deal of disorderly conduct. 2 weeks later I developed a potentially life threatening infection and had to get IM injections and oral meds. I remember the nurse as she tried to give me a shot in my behind apologizing to me that it was going to hurt very badly and that she couldn't find much fat to give me the shot. I was nearly 100 lbs on my 5'5" frame. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I really thought that my heart couldn't take the stress, I thought that I was going to die.

And for what? Because someone was too afraid to talk to me and instead called the police? The officer stated 3 times that he could simply handcuff me and take me to jail. My 2 kids were horrified. My oldest is afraid of police now.

I have NEVER been in any sort of trouble with the law. I have never tried drugs, I've never handled rejection well and always took care to never get into trouble. I didn't even try alcohol until I was 21.

I am currently a stay at home mom, but worked as a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit RN in CA. My husband is a Software Engineer. We are clean, intelligent, kind people. The first thing my mother said to me when I called her crying hysterically was, "You don't even SPANK your kids!!" I try to be the best mother possible and this has left me more irritable and tired, ect.

I just want to be myself again.
I fortunately did not lose my Registered Nursing license. I had to submit court records, police statements, a letter in writing, ect and both Ohio and CA Boards of Nursing did not punish my license. As far as adopting, I don't think that we will ever be allowed. And it hurts. I have wanted to adopt a child since I was 9 years of age. Race didn't matter, physical abilities didn't matter. With my extensive background in the NICU having cared for children with Ventilators, cpap, multiple meds, chromosomal disorders, J, G, NG, OG tubes, ect, I felt that if this was a child that God wanted us to have, then we would love that child forever.

Right now I'm going through an angry spell with God too. I know that my entire church was praying for me as well as friends, and family and I feel like for whatever reason, He didn't want it to be dismissed, even though He knew I would suffer for months and years.

My question... how do I stop thinking about it? I still have nightmares and cry regularly. I think about it all the time from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. We are also moving back to CA in a few months because of this.


My husband and I had also attended all of the required foster classes to adopt a foster child a few months before this happened. We had purchased a dresser and a bed for this furture child. I had wonderful anticipatory thoughts of taking our adopted child to choose his/her accessories for their room.

I had also envisioned someday to be an intrumental force in working with the homeless. I'd learned in College during my Psych rotation that many people are homeless due to underlying mental illness and it just broke my heart. I met some wonderful people during my psych rotation.

If you can offer any assistance, please help, I'm crying now as I type this. I don't want my kids to grow up before my eyes while I feel like this. It's been 5 months since I was charge, about 4 months since I pleaded no contest to the disorderly conduct Minor Misdemeanor.

Ocean,

Bless your heart! What a terrible ordeal to go through! Sometimes people are so narrow-minded and have such a "blinders-on" type of vision that they don't take time to see the truth or the whole picture. It sounds like you ran into several of these people who are self-righteous, vindicating people. I'm so sorry for you!

First of all - you know you are a good mother. Do not give up on your dreams. All of the things you said are helpful, positive, and self-less. God has a plan for you, but for some reason you had to go through this. Maybe so that you will be understanding of a homeless mother's similar experience...maybe so you can learn "the system" so that you can help people in a similar situation in the future. I don't know...but God does. Don't give up on Him...He is not giving up on you.

This situation also does not entirely dictate that you won't be able to foster or adopt other children...it mightmake it more difficult, but don't give up on that either.

You are a good mom. Don't believe anyone else's lies to the contrary.

Keeping you in my prayers,
Dawn

Ocean,
I had a similar situation happen to me. What is up with the Ohio police? Anyway both of my children are incredibly afraid of the police now. My oldest is in college now studying to become a lawyer because he wants to "defend" the innocent. My youngest son won't even speak to a police officer and plans on becoming an attorney as well. I get extreme anxiety when I see the police, I mean jelly legs, heart palpitations, and sweating. I know I should let go of this as well, that it isn't healthy, but I was treated so badly by the officer and handcuffed in front of my children? I had no criminal record, not even a traffic ticket! I am a teacher at the elementary school in the neighboring town. How demeaning it was. To this day I actually panic when I see an officer. Horrible, they are supposed to be there to help. I wouldn't call a cop if my life depended upon it. How bad is that?

ocean,
i think that it all starts with forgiveness..you need to forgive the lady that called the polic as well as the police that treated you badly and made your child cry and now be afraid of police..
i know because if you carry that with you it will eat you alive..
i tell you this because for years i had not forgiven my grandmother and grandfather for not telling me who my real mother was until i was on my way to vietnam and was going through my 1st divorce..
as part of my healing i did not know it at the time. i went to the grave yard and walked and tried to find where they were buried. i do not visit there because they are not there...
anyway i could not find them that day so i came back the next and it go very emotional..2 ladies that were walking doing their mrnig walk one a white lady and one black saw me crying and sked me what was wrong. i told them and they went looking and found it..
i walked to the grave ad told my grandmother and grandfather that i forgave them for what they had done and then told them that i loved them and thanks for raising me in CHURCH..i then told my mother that i was glad that i got to spend some time with her before she passed and that i loved her and turned and walked away..it was nt long after that that my life begin to change.i do hope that helps you in someway...know tht you are in our thoughts and prayers.. thanks for sharing your story and geting it out of your system..don't be mad at GOD .it was not he that did that to you but it was the ones that caused it to happen..take care and know that you are in our thoughts and prayers and GOD BLESS..
DON
IF I CAN HELP SOMEBODYAS I TRAVEL ON, THEN MY LIVING WILL NOT BE IN VAIN...

Wow,
thank you all for your quick responses! I already feel a little better.

Dawn,
Thank you for your kind words and for reminding me that God is not giving up on me. Sometimes I feel that this has been 5 months and it needs to go away. For awhile, even though I still thought of it a few times a day, it wasn't every second like it is now. You are right in that I have learned alot about the legal system and it may come in handy to help another.

Jugray,
That's awful! I live in Mansfield, OH and this happened in Ontario, where were you when this happened? Fortunately, the cop didn't handcuff me and take me away. He let me go and told me to show up in court next week. Did the prosecutor or judge drop the case for you? The prosecutor told me point blank that, "If there were a case to be dismissed, it would be this one, but I DON'T dismiss cases." I've never felt so helpless in my life.
The panicky feelings started again in January when my husband and I were out for our aniversary and I (like you) saw an Ontario police officer. I got so dizzy and my heart raced, then I started worrying that maybe the cop saw me acting strangely and would arrest me for something. Good for your boys! I have a friend who just graduated from Stanford Law School about 4 years ago and she also went into it to help the innocent. Right now she's not sure that she likes it, I think it's hard to deal with some of the 'other' crooked lawyers. My mom is also a teacher (and my sister and her husband, my dad and my sister in law!) and she had left my 2 kids in a car for a few minutes a couple of months earlier, but no one called the police on her. She may have lost her teaching license if they had!

Don,
Thank you for your words of wisdom. I completely agree that I need to forgive. I almost feel like I can't though. Like I would be lying to myself if I say that I forgive them. That is terrible what you went through. I can't imagine... I keep telling myself that I don't have it nearly as bad as others, but these obsessive thoughts are relentless. I know that there are people who are sitting in prisons right now that are 100% innocent, at least they didn't throw me in jail. I think part of it is that I don't feel like I should have been charged at all. I was told by a magistrate in Mansfield that this was a complete lack of common sense on the part of the police officer and the judicial system. The police officer even wrote in his report that my children did not appear to be in distress and in fact were smiling and looked happy (of course that was before he announced that I may be headed to jail!)!

I've always had a problem with letting go of the past. Past things still haunt me in which I feel like a victim.

I haven't started the program, although have listened to tape 3 a bit. I'm getting to the anxiety point where it's difficult to drive. I will start the program today.

Thank-you all for your support! I appreciate it so very much!

Ocean,
Im very sorry this happened to you. But, i know through all this, you have also learned some things. Im also sure your a good mother! People these days are more aware of children left in cars. Maybe the lady who called didnt know how long the kids had been in the car. At 65 degrees with the windows rolled up or windows cracked, it gets up to 89 degrees inside the car quickly, especially in the sun.
1,847 children died of heat exhaustion when left in cars in 2007 for only a few minutes.
I dont think ANY parent intentionally trys to hurt thier child, leaving them only a few minutes. Im sorry you were treated so badly by the officer and the judge. It may be possible to appeal the decsion by the judge.
But, im sure you want to move forward! The lady probably felt she was helping, even though you were hurt in the process. Try to take steps to move past this, you may not completely forget it for awhile, but you can move past it.
Im so glad your kids and you are okay!!!

mello, Nello,
Thank you for your reply! I have researched the topic extensively and haven't found a single case of death or injury of a child left in a car for a few minutes. All were at least 45 minutes with the outside temp reaching 80 or above. I knew it wouldn't get hot as I had left the car in the sun while we were at the gardens. I didn't even turn on the air conditioning when we got back into the car. Also the children that are injured are generally infants, they process heat differently than a child, usually until they are 2. Their respirations are quicker and their hearts beat much faster, thereby increasing the chance to overheat. The woman also told police that she watched me go in and she 'thought' it was 10 minutes. I know it wasn't and I have the receipts of when we stopped at a restaurant to eat ten minutes away and when the police wrote the ticket, I told the officer that there was no way it was even 10 minutes!

Anyhow, not trying to argue, just putting the facts out there.

Also, where did you find that # of deaths? According to the Department of Geosciences at San Francisco State University, In the Entire United States, 35 children died in 2007. There were 30 in 2006.

Riding a bicycle without a helmet is much more dangerous and the cops around here allow kids to ride without helmets all the time.

<A HREF="http://ggweather.com/heat/" TARGET=_blank>http://ggweather.com/heat/</A>

Take care and again thanks for posting!

Ocean,
It happened at a Wendy's near Dayton, Ohio. Im not going to make any excuses but some well meaning worker in the drive through called the cops!!! I guess we learn from this. What frustrates me is that I had to pay for an attorney and then court costs and there are so many worse things I could have done. My lawyer got everything thrown out but wow, this is a source of a lot of my insecurity because I feel so ashamed about it. BTW it was winter when this happened.

Mello Nello,
I forgot to mention, thanks for the idea about having it reversed, I am considering it and the thing is that this was in a town of 5300 people and it was a small magistrate court. I wasn't allowed to plead not guilty unless I wanted to go to the main court in another city which may have taken months. So the judge never decided since I felt 'forced' to take the plea deal. I'm just wondering if this will cost like $10000 or something and since we are moving in June or july I know it's going to be expensive to move as well.
I do want to get on with it, but I can't help wondering if it will be better if I can get it off my record completely!

Also I wrote the police department where this happened and asked for permission to distribute literature letting people know what happens if they leave a kid in a car for a minute. I don't want this to happen to another person.
Their response? Nothing. It shows what type of town it is. Uncaring, uninterested about their citizens. Very sad in my opinion.
Take care

Jugray,
I'm glad everything you got it taken care of. I didn't hire a lawyer because everyone said it would be thrown out. Said it was ridiculous. I wish I had now...