Stress Center Peer Support

To make a long angry, ugly story short, my wife, child and I were NOT invited to my nieces wedding several months ago. My sisters hates us. We used to be very close. Not anymore.
I am not saying I am not to blame for some of the damage. I am. But so are they. My niece tried to fight for us to go. But my sister would not have it. The rest of my family went. I feel that was wrong. I feel so violated. I am so hurt. I feel me and my family were trampled upon by my sister. I don't think anyone should have gone. My brother in law (from my other sister) did not go. He said he would not because we weren't invited. But I doubt he would have went anyway.

I am trying to let this go, but I can't. The disrespect my sister showed me and my family cannot be fixed. I don't know how to handle my feelings.

I think that your screen name says a lot. Song Writer that is what you need to do. Put your feelings in a song write it down and try not to dwell in it. I know you are hurt. My brother is made and me now for 2 months. We were so close too. But I wrote him a letter told him I love him and that whatever happened to forgive. I told him more but that is the short version.
What that did was leave it in his hands and took it out of my thoughts./
It isn't worth getting sick over. If you keep dwelling in it all it is going to do is get you sick it really will.
Write her a letter tell her to forgive you for what happened. Even if she doesn't at least you will feel better for doing it.
My brother still hasn't responed but i keep writing him and telling him I love him.
Dear Heavenly Father help Songwriter and heal where healing needs to be healed, help mending to start. Help the past not get into the future and what good things could happen because of holding on to the hurts.
In Jesus precious name cover that whole situation with your precious blood. Amen

SongWriter,

I recently attended a wedding where my father-in-law did not go because he had some major issues with the groom's mother (his neice).
My husband and myself almost did not go simply because we didn't want to witness any drama (because my father-in-law would not go); however, we decided to attend because the wedding was not about her, it was about her son.

It's very hard when family issues get like this.
I don't understand why people don't work towards peace and "agree to disagree" so they can get on with life.

It's hard to let go of the bitterness you may feel towards your sisters, but I just want to encourage you to make a choice EVERYDAY to forgive. I know that may sound crazy but to me, forgiveness is the same as "letting go".
It's a healthy action that you do for YOU and no one else. Your sisters may not diserve your forgiveness but it truly is the healthy choice for you and your mental health.

One thing that helps is to turn your anger into compassion. I used to say... " I feel sorry for them" and say a prayer for them. This helped me let it go and see that I am not in control.

What to do with your feelings? You could write your neice a letter and share with her your love. But I just want to encourage you to share it without bad-mouthing anyone.

Since you say you are partly to blame for this bad relationship, it may be in your best interest to take responsibility for your part by doing/saying what you can to make peace on your part. Then leave the rest up to the Heavens.

I am all for reconcilliation even if both parties do not want it. At least if you do your part, you have no guilt and show you are the bigger person by admitting your faults.

I am truly sorry things turned out the way they did. Family is important and we all need to do our part to forgive, and accept what we cannot change.

Thanks for the feedback.
I already did admit my faults. It's over.

Your story reminds me of a friend who decided not to invite her brother to her daughters' weddings. It was very sad to hear since I know the brother and his wife, but I don't know all the drama that led up to my friend turning her back on her brother. I'm sure you don't want to go into all the specifics, but I have to say that your curt "It's over" sounds to me like you have a lot of anger and resentment about this, which you admit in your post. Perhaps your apology to your sister wasn't viewed as sincere by her? Is the issue with just you, or you and your wife? That was the problem with my friend. The wife was an instigator and did not help the problem at all. Did you send your niece a nice gift for her wedding? Perhaps that would open the door a bit when she tells her Mom of your kindness. If I were you I would write down what I THINK my sister's problem with me is and see if there is any validity. And see if I truly made amends. If you were close once, you certainly can be close again. But both of you have to act like grown ups and take those hard steps toward forgiveness. Good luck.

Songwriter,

While I have not had the exact same situation as you, my uncle and his wife have distance themselves from the rest of the family, but then my uncle turns it around and makes it sound like we hate him, he is on our "$hit list" as he calls it, that we do not want him, his wife or kid around and THAT is NOT the case.

At first my mom, sister and I felt that sure maybe we are at fault and we extended ourselves to them. Well, we phoned their home and never received return calls. We have emailed them and no return emails. How much does one need to extend themselves only to be ignored, them blamed that we are the problem. I am sick of the victim role he plays and makes it sound as if we are plotting against him. If he is the victim, he is the one making himself one. I will no longer take the blame for him or his wife not returning phone calls or emails to only hear that he is not invited to this or that, or that we hate him, etc, etc. He has an answering machine, he has email and he has a phone...HE can use it too! It works both ways. I call and no one calls back for weeks and THAT is if I am lucky. Most times no one calls back. I called 4 or 5 times this year and was lucky enough to get ONE stinking phone call returned and that was by my aunt. My sister left them a message 3 weeks ago and no one has called her back. But then they will turn around and act as if we are isolating them . If they do not communicate with us, (but do with her family) what am I to do, go to their front door every time to apease them? Communication works BOTH ways, and I am tired of being the one to reach out, call, leave messages and then get blamed for ignoring them or putting them on some "$hit list" they imagined. Or even better, my aunt MAY call back after weeks have past if I am lucky and then she will just be like, "Oh I am SOOOO bad for not calling back." But then my uncle gets all bent because he says he does not know what is happening or that he was not invited, etc, etc. We do invite them, we call them, we leave messages, we send emails or regular mail invites. How much more am I to do? As far as I am concerned, they ALL can sit in the corner, pout and boo hoo all they want on their own . I do NOT need the drama. I am NOT playing the game anymore. I do not hate them, but I know they almost never call back, then my uncle plays the pity card. His fault, the phone and email works both ways . I am tired of trying to please them. Did I mention my uncle called my sister ONCE last year? And THAT was because my brother in law mentioned at Christmas 2006 he had some extra insulation left over. My uncle called late spring 2007 and asked if the insulation was still there. You know, he got his himself over there the next day to pick it up! After that my sister said he never called her after that. Things that make you go HMMMMMM ?????!!!!! We do not hate them or anything, it is just hard to have any relationship with a person like this. They are there when they want, gone and then blame us for kicking them to the curb. Makes NO sense! I have given up on trying to figure it out. I do not get angry about it anymore. I just cannot be close with a person like that. How can you? They do not even give you an opportunity but just blame you for their social inadequacies and inability to communicate.

All I would say is do your thing. You cannot change the way people act and what they say. Like my uncle, he is who is. I just have to accept that and I do not let it bother me anymore. My aunt has her family over all the time, but we never get invited (unless it is something that calls for a gift, like a b-day party or if my uncle had manual labor for my husband or brother in law to help around the house with while the party has going on. ). Oh well, whatever. I have my own life, I cannot be upset at what they do and how they act. I cannot control how they are, but I can control the manner in which I act and react to them. Like I said I do not hate them, they are just not close anymore because I can only take responsibility for MY actions and not theirs. I am done hearing the whining. I no longer take responsibility for how he feels. He needs to start doing that. No one else in the family has issues, he always is the one that is the odd man out, but HE does that to himself. I cannot fix that.

As of yesterday I feel my sister and her family are NOT WORTH being hurt over! Right now I feel I AM INDIFFERENT to my sister, brother in law, and nieces and nephew, as well as my nieces' new husband. At this point I feel I am over them, and over the insult of my family NOT being invited to their stupid wedding. I know this can be short lived. The best revenge is being INDIFFERENT toward them and not caring. Living well is the best revenge.