Marriage fading fast

shiner · Post by **shiner** » Thu Sep 18, 2008 8:46 am

Hi, I don't post much anymore, but I got a notice today of a reply to this in my email, and felt I had to reply to jenn2.

Hi jenn2, many times when a spouse cheats on another, the problems in the marriage can be traced to both spouses...perhaps one spouse shares more of the burden, but usually (not always) both spouses weren't meeting each others' needs. Good people have affairs. It's not something designated for just bad people...and it doesn't make you a bad person to have an affair, or to have been cheated on. Also, remember that men and women usually have affairs for different reasons and we also react to affairs differently.

From what you wrote, your marriage went through the ringer prior to the affair. Losing a your babies 5 months into the pregnancy was a nightmare. Even good things like adopting your children were probably stressful. No one should be involved with your marital problems, concerning whom did or didn't cause the affairs. It's nobody's business but your husband and yours. And to blame a mother who has lost her children for their loss is deplorable.

If you confessed to your affair to your husband and you are doing all you can to regain his trust and friendship, that's all you can do. He is of course angry and he may be for some time. But, as long as you are doing your part, it's all you can do. Eventually it will be up to him to be the bigger person and move on with you (of course, this meaning that you are making up to him in big ways to show him you are truly sorry and worthy of his renewed trust). Using a spouse's affair as a bargaining chip is never kind or fair. He cannot and should not use this against you forever if you have truly come to terms with what your infidelity has done to your marriage. Even if you are the one who has cheated, the life of your marriage is up to both spouses. Counseling is a great step to rebuilding the foundations that have been compromised. To refuse counseling is like refusing to take part in the life of the marriage. Sure, you may have been the one who cheated, but it doesn't mean that there aren't other related and non-related problems in the marriage.

I wish you luck. One thing that would be helpful for you and your anxiety/depression would be individual counseling. You need to start working on yourself, forgive yourself, accept what you have done, and try to love yourself again.

Take care

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Sep 18, 2008 1:33 pm

Hi THANK YOU so much for responding, I am going to print out what you wrote it made me cry it was so neat what you wrote. Thank You I am trying hard to make things work but it is hard. I am glad that I can relate to someone who understands how I am feeling inside. I look forward to chatting with you in the future. Thanks again.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Sep 22, 2008 2:21 am

Hey jenn,

Your welcome! Sometimes the best thing you can do in these situations is to just do your best, work on getting stronger, and make the effort--all of which you seem to be doing, so that's good. Eventually it's up to your husband to let it go. This has probably hurt him more than he has even realized, and its a hurt that goes many levels. That may be one reason why he doesn't want to go to counseling, as sometimes it's easier to not face something as facing it can be too painful. It's definitely hard work but it may be worth it.

Feel free to PM anytime. I don't get on the site too much anymore, but I always check my emails.

Take care!