Marriage fading fast

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Sep 13, 2006 9:36 am

Hi,
It took me a while to read through all the posts. i have been married for 17 years. What happens in out marriage is the each of us expects more out of the other without actually saying anything. If my wife needs help with something... i am expected to "read her mind" and know what she wants. I always say whats on my mind. That is my problem. Sometimes I had said my mind in hurtful ways. (emotionally) We went through hell with infertility adopted two children and then had our last one naturally. My wife has never understood my depression/anxiety and I used that as a weapon for too many years with the "poor me's" She is not my enemy.... I am am my enemy. I chose to let what she says bother me. I have told her that several times. I have never cheated on her. I know she has been online with other men, and caught her using a phone card to call someone last month for 200+ minutes. She said she made the calls but did not own up to anything. I told her she was not worth me getting upset and I needed to worry about my own mental health. All of a sudden, I get all kinds of help around the house. I just picked up the car she bought me with her inheritance yesterday. She does what she has to do.... when I was told (this is more then you guys prolly need to know) that sex with her was like being a prostitute, I wrote i down and carried it in my wallet. I told her I told my friends what she says. and that she was not that proffessional. Was it petty of me?? Oh yeah it was. I live for my kids , if she wants to have a relationship then fine... I need to concentrate on me. I am the one who can make me feel better. I still cook everynite.. I do shopping, work 50 hours a week. Not for her... for me. If she wants a relationship i am here. Expressing my feeling only leads to petty arguments where I get alot more upset than her. Our marriage faded a long time ago. But... it takes two to tango. I am at fault too, but she lives in the past.. I am moving foward. I could write forever. My situation isnt easy, but I choose it! The program is helping me alot. I keep positive and trying to learn about me. Only in this way can I help my family.

john tankersley · Post by **john tankersley** » Wed Sep 13, 2006 9:50 am

You're certainly managing a lot. I wanted you to know that you're on my prayer list.

It's touching to hear that you are hoping that your daughter will grow up with healthy self-esteem. This is very compassionate. And it's a perfect time to pay attention to this (due to her age).

This is a tough age. I agree she needs boundaries and to learn to obey more quickly. However, because of her age--and hormonal changes--please be sensitive to the fact that she probably will be extra confused for these next few years. And that's tough for any parent.

Spending time alone with your husband sounds good. He seems like he's having a tough time with something. Communication? Bonding?

The counseling part sounds really good. Hope it works out.

Gman5256 · Post by **Gman5256** » Wed Sep 13, 2006 10:41 am

Hi, Hope-I am so sorry to hear what a hard time you are going through at home. It certainly doesn't help the anxiety, huh?

I too have been working on marital problems for over a year now. I don't know if this is a contributor for you, but my anxiety and panic disorder unfortunately sparked the "fire".

I have been with my husband since I was 16 (30 now). When my anxiety began a couple of years ago I sank into this depression and avoidance and pushed my husband (and everyone else) far away. I still mothered my 2 babies because they need their Mom, but I was too depressed to do more than that. So of course my intimacy with my husband, physical and emotional, just ceased to exist. He finally asked me one day if I no longer loved him. I remember thinking what a stupid question, but realized that because I was so deep in my depression and anxiety that for the past several months if I talked to him at all it was usually to rip into him about something, as he was my "safe person" to vent all my frustration on.

I'm not at all trying to say that this is what happens in your marriage. It sounds like you have a lot of other components going on. But I found that my anxiety caused me to lash out at my husband as the closest person to me, and eventually he lashed back. We came close to talking divorce several times, and we are still trying to get back to where we were before all of this happened. I hurt him without truly realizing it, and he in turn hurt me back. Now we both are healing and trying to understand one another, and rediscover what we had for so many years. My husband was really threatened by my anxiety and the ways it changed my personality, and his response was to withdraw and snap at me, which started the vicious cycle.

Don't know if this helps at all, but it could be at least part of the problem. I do agree with Faith that your daughter has to come first for you, but I wonder if she is taking the brunt of misplaced frustration on your husband's part?

Just some babbling thoughts, take care of yourself. Tara

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Sep 13, 2006 11:01 am

The one thing I learned most from our counseling was that in marriage, if you can try to worry more about what you're doing for the other person, and less about what they're doing for you, that slowly things start to turn around.

At least it did for us. We were not doing well there for awhile but I'm happy to say that we have a very solid marriage now.

It was horrible worrying about losing him there but in a way I'm glad we went through it.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Sep 18, 2006 2:34 am

That's a great idea Faith. Something to really think about.....I really like this approach...if only I can muster up the energy lol....I do do do do for the kids and at the end of the night I'm tuckered out but I'm gonna try and find a way to slip in something special for my husband. Thanks for the suggestion.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Sep 18, 2006 2:48 am

You're welcome. It doesn't even have to be a do do do for him. . .just more of an attitude adjustment. I was always so worried about what he was or wasn't doing for me that I didn't even think about trying to be sweet and nice to him. Once I tried to be more gentle and caring to him, he started naturally doing more thoughtful things for me. Funny how it works!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Sep 18, 2006 4:03 am

Thank you MC Grace for your comments and thank you very much for putting me on your prayer list. That is very kind.

I have been taking some of the suggesions here in regards to my daughter and must admit I'm having a problem being so stern with her

But I'm doing it. I've written out her responsibilities for her and went over them with her this weekend. She did all but one but because she chose to disobey me she was not able to go get something she wanted to get. Then she asked me if we could get it next weekend and I said no...She screamed WHY??? and I said because it isn't right for her to expect me to do things for her and not do what I ask of her...I didn't feel good about saying that...I don't know where to stop the punishment. This is hard! I'm not good at keeping punishments...I'm better and yelling and getting over it...so do I go get the thing she wanted this weekend because she already had to forego it this weekend or should she have to do the chore before we go get it .....I'm confused

Things are going a bit smoother. I only tell her twice for things and I am feeling a lot less stressed.

I do think my husband and I need to definitely spend some a lone time together. We can barely talk in our house..the only time we can have a conversation with each other is if we are on the phone

lol

Baby steps and we'll get there.

Thanks again MC for your concern and prayers. I will be praying with the prayer group on here and will keep you on my list too

Take care.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Sep 18, 2006 4:09 am

Bttrfly,

I appreciate the thoughts in your post. I'm sorry you have had some struggles in your marriage as well. I know very well how anxiety/depression can change you and you do what you need to just get through the day. I think I neglected my marriage too when I was deep into despair with anxiety. I hope as you go through the program things begin to brighten for you and your husband. I am glad to hear that you and your husband are healing now

Take care and best wishes.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Sep 18, 2006 4:11 am

I want to thank everyone here for your replies

I'm sorry if I didn't individually answer your post. I do appreciate everyone's comments and thank you all for your insight!

Blessing!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Sep 17, 2008 10:05 am

Hello I just wanted to comment on all of this I don't know if any of it will make sense, I had an affair on my husband and feel horrible, it happend almost 2 years ago. I deal with horrible guilt, I told him and we are trying to work things out, I just wanted to be loved and understood, I felt like he was controlling me and was so negative towards everything, we have been thru alot with our marriage and I know that he is dealing with what I have done. I have delt with depression and anxiety for years, have been hospitalized we did invetro infertaliazion and I got pregnant with twins a boy and girl, then lost them at 5 months, very devistating, we have adopted 2 children now they are wonderful but went thru hell getting them. I am going to counceling and trying to get my husband to go, he doesn't think there is a problem and blames me for the affair, I know that it is my fault. My family (parents) blame me for alot of what happened including the loss of my children. They are very hard on me and I am therefore hard on myself. Does any of this makes any sense. Can anyone relate to me???