Post
by Guest » Sun Sep 10, 2006 5:06 pm
Hi hope4peace, I don't know what to say,or really how to say it, but felt compelled to write to your post. I hate to be the alarmist, but your marriage needs definite help. More importantly you must find the inner strength to deal with the best, or need be the worse, your husband can dish out. I don’t wan to cause more anxiety, I just wanted you to be aware that sometimes people do use a marriage's problems to make themselves feel better. I too had a neighbor who whined and moaned to my husband about her marriage (in this case). My husband and her proceeded to partake in an emotional affair, that was far more devastating to me and my marriage and my friendship with my husband than his eventual physical affair with someone else. I believe that his emotional affairs just opened the door for his eventual cheating, as he already disrespected our marriage and friendship, going further didn't seem too bad to him. Needless to say, I have been working almost exclusively for the past two years to regain my self-respect and liking myself. And I have tried almost exclusively to regain my marriage. I honestly thought at the time that my husband and I could have used the lesson of his affairs to make our marriage even better and stronger than ever, but if we both worked on it. He has done little work, and I am very resentful. I too love him, he was my best friend, and there are times he seems to be now, but he still always invested more time in his own pursuits, and other people than me or our marriage. I guess he figures I will take care of it, as I always do. I love him very much, for we shared a lot, but the love is not deeper as I had hoped. And it's not without heartache from me. No, he no longer cheats, emotionally or physically, but all those times he could have really worked on us to make it better he let lapse. And it makes it harder to feel in love with him. It really affects everything. Like you, I don't want to leave, I want things to change. But hoping doesn't making it happen. Both spouses must work, and not criticize. During husband's affairs, he was very critical, just prior and during. Even since, he has really laid into me on occasions, so much I would have preferred any other form of abuse.
I have no suggestions as what you and he can do, but you must be strong. And not expect for him to help you. You help you, no matter what that means to your marriage. Your kids come first, and you. Don't feel guilty because you have anxiety or depression. It's life. Whatever. We all have our challenges. Your husband is not perfect. He is not above fault. He needs to take responsibility in his marriage and in his role as a father. He can't make comments to you because your child is not perfect. She shouldn't have to be. She is a person, a young lady trying to find her way, discovering herself. We all were there once. Has he forgotten? My husband does the same with our 8 yr old, like he was sooo perfect as a child. NO, he was just different from her, not better, not worse. Most people aren't. They are just different.
You can read my previous posts, I am a basketcase, and of no use in offering advice, but I just wanted you to know that these things could be warning signs. But they may not be. Please proceed without causing yourself more anxiety or depression, but with making yourself feel more confident, for yourself and your kids. Your marriage will most likely benefit from that, even if it's just from you.
And you can move on from getting hurt. But it is different, and can't be expected to be the same after so much hurt. My husband and I are not the same, we could be better than ever, but from my view, we are not. He has hurt me too much without trying to make up, too many times. But I know that if he did some work, we could be better, I could let the guard down and let go of the resentment. But it's possible. Always when you love someone....even when you don't know why you do sometimes. And if he doesn't want it to work...that is his problem, not a reflection of you. He makes his own decisions based on his life, shortcomings, experiences, whatever. He may not be mature enough to handle these responsibilities. As a spouse, we are responsible to our spouse, to help our spouse above all others. Not your neighbor. He should respect that, no matter how innocent it is. So what if he just talks to her and gets upset for her, so he says. But it matters because you feel unloved and not as cared about. The same would hold true if the neighbor was a man and he invested more emotionally in his friend than you. As a spouse, and father, the family and mate must come first.
that's all for now, sorry so long. You took out time to help me, and I want to help you.
take care
ugh, I don't feel loved at all. This is just another example of how I feel he sweeps me under the carpet and dismissed my worth. What about me? I cry inside...what about me
anita