Stress Center Peer Support

Hi everyone – I’m a 27-year-old woman who has struggled on and off with anxiety and depression for several years now. I’ve recently started the Attacking Anxiety program again; I’ve used the program in the past, but I never got past the first five tapes. One of my problems is that I hold myself to extremely high expectations, and become very critical of myself when I fail to meet those expectations. Around the beginning of the year, I became depressed because all of my close female friends were dating someone exclusively or in relationships, and I wasn’t at that time. I was afraid that they would all move on with their lives and I would be left alone.

I had been told by mutual friends for a few months that I guy I worked with was interested in me. I was reluctant to date a coworker, but becoming increasingly unhappy with my single state, I decided to pursue him. We ended up dating for a little over three months – three months that were, for me, filled with anxiety. To make a long story short, we ultimately broke up because I was putting in most of the effort and he was unwilling to commit to anything more than casual dating. I was heartbroken, immediately blaming myself for the break-up and assuming that there was something lacking in me.

I should note that my coworker was dealing with several serious issues that had nothing to do with me – a years-long struggle with depression, one dying parent, another parent with cancer, and an ex-fiance (whom he apparently still had feelings for) who was about to get married. He also expressed discomfort with the fact that we work together. My friends have told me repeatedly that there’s nothing wrong with me – that I’m attractive, smart, funny, etc. – and that I shouldn’t be so down on myself. In the two weeks since my coworker and I broke up, a few guys have expressed interest in me (although I can’t help but compare them unfavorably to my coworker.) But I still have to see my coworker every day, and I can’t seem to shake this low self-esteem. I have a good group of friends, get invited to social events, make an effort to meet new people, etc., but I’ve always been slightly reserved, and I keep thinking that if I’d projected more confidence or had been more outgoing, things would have worked out with my coworker. I hold him in high regard, and I can’t help but think that his lack of interest in me indicates that I’m somehow deficient. Then again, maybe the only thing wrong with me is my low self-esteem. For those of you who have experience with similar break-up issues, how did you get through it? Every time I try to build up my confidence, I find myself thinking, “Stop deluding yourself. He obviously broke up with you because you were too anxious/quiet/not a good enough conversationalist,” etc.

I'm not sure that there is any great rules for how to get over a broken relationship. Time heals all wounds.

I'm sorry to hear about your break-up. My younger sister is going through a really difficult one right now and it makes my heart hurt to see her so miserable (esp. since I really liked this guy). In the past, I've always tried to remind her that evidently this one wasn't the "right" one, and every time you go through a break-up you learn a little more about yourself and the qualities you want in another person. I also tell her that if you hadn't broken up with this one, then you wouldn't have found the next one (far more effective when she's in another relationship- also easier to grasp intellectually than emotionally).

A good example is my best friend. SHe dated someone all through college and upon graduation they were planning to move to Colorado, but he bailed. About a year later she met another guy who she lived with for 5+ (if not more) years and was eventually engaged to. After a lot of "game-playing," she broke it off. Finally in Dec. of '07 she married at the age of 35 and this past Nov. gave birth to her first child. She's expressed numerous times that she has found genuine happiness and stability that would NEVER have been possible with guy #1 or 2.

As far as the program, I can personally relate because I'm also a recovering perfectionist with very high standards for myself. I was overwhelmed and frustrated when I started the program in Jan. and posted this. The feeback was AWESOME, and the best advice was to work the program for YOU. Example- I write a lot for work and have always HATED personal journaling. It's time-consuming and I always worry about whose eyes might be digesting it next. I've actually ripped pages out of past journals to perfect my ideas and start over- pretty counter-productive, huh? So, I listened to the CD's, sometimes read and completed the homework (I didn't beat myself up over not getting it done), saw my psychologist regularly, and promised myself that I'd post every day.

It's now 6 mts. later and everyday I feel more and more like the person I was 9 years ago. I keep telling myself I'll go back and complete the program as intended (it's not so overwhelming now), and if I relapse I probably will. But for right now, I have NO desire (or intention) of picking up the homework or journaling to reflect.

Hope this helps,
fischee

Oh, I might also recommend the new Alanis Morissette CD Flavors of Entaglement. I read that after breaking up with "doflicky?" she took a break to Spain and wrote 12 songs in two weeks. I also LOVE her CD Under Rug Swept; two of my fav. empowerment songs are "21 Things I WANT in a Lover" (maybe carathic to make a list of your own?) and "Narcissus" because I can't believe how many guys are actually like this! As for self-esteem, I can completely relate to "So Unsexy".