Stress Center Peer Support

Hi,

I have been a very active member lately and I appreciate everyones support.

I have been doing very well utilizing the program however I have this one odd specific 'stumble' which I am curious to find out if anyone else experiences and why?

I feel like I have good days, really good days, get the odd wave of happiness and calm (dont get me wrong still have bad ocd days)but I feel like outside factors really are bringing me down. First off my job, I do love my job but I also wonder if I love it b.c it is so stressful and responsibility oriented and im comfortable in this negative state. There are many outside people who inflict negativity onto me at work and of course my profession [law] is high stress and full of control and negative disputes. Is this self torture? or will once I get feeling good this stuff not bother me? the better I get the more I feel it isnt a healthy enviroment to work in as it brings me wayy down and is hard to stay up which is making my recovery tough!

My second really negative outside factor is my spouse. I have commented on how the better I get, the less annoyed with him I am b.c. I feel better but I feel like now I have identified wants and needs that he doesnt even try to fullfill. He does not communicate. When I try he stares at me or gets defensive. Not to mention he is self employed and not motivated so I have to work on his business and encourage and be positive for him, carrying two people is hard on one mentally. He doesnt go to work often although makes good dough when he does.. but I get up and go each day.. which is a bitter thing also. He tends to be slightly negative and selfish which is tough to contend with! Again is this self torture? he puts up with me but now Im feeling good I want to share it with someone who can appreciate and support me!

When I begin these over whelming feelings (which I find I cannot positive self talk through) I become upset and depressed and the vicious cycle begins, I want to move to a new country or town, new house, new spouse, new job.. its restless uneasiness.

Has anyone else experienced this feeling and will it get easier through the program? or should I consider starting to evaluate and change the things in my life that seem to be really triggering the vicious cycle? Is this about changing your life for the better or learning to cope with the life you've got whether crappy or not?

Any advice or experienced are appreciated!

Sweetheart--I am feeling EXACTLY the saame way as you, and I only know that until WE get our emotionss in order (done again with the program), it would be self-destructive I blieve to ourselves to make a change right at this juncture. I've been thru this program, but never got the pos. self talk down and that is the whole key. But, I wwonder aalso aabout the sspousse issue BIG TIME. ~~~~Trish

i have always felt that the man should be the provider unless he is sick and can not work or disabled..if he is self employed and you have to get up and go to work and he is at home..what does he contribute to the marriage. you said that you can not talk to him..sometimes people tend to take their work home with them and then whe they go back to work they take teir probles at home with them which is not good...i think that a spouse should be there for each other and can sit down and talk about anything..when you go through panic and anxiety and need someone that understands how you are then they should be there for you..that is just me the way i feel..second are you looking for a way out of a relationship or what.. i do not mean to be mean to you but i have seen it before in others who wnt a change...life is not easy these days. the more we need someone the less they seem to care how we feel...
on the other hand.. i can talk to my wife about anything and we can sit down and discuss things. we have only been married going on 3 years and were married before..but we had the same thing. panic, anxiety, agrophobia, and depression and, she had OCD.had she not been there for me i do not know where i would have been today..
its hard to make a decision when you are going through the program. lucinda has a discussion pn it in the program..
you said that you were in law..i do not know what type but any type is stressful..
a new location and new job a new house...but if you do not have love and support that you need then it will be wasted..in time maybe he will see the light and sit down and talk and discuss things...
please let me know how things go and keep in touch..this forum is what others need to give them hope for the future..sorry that it was so long but i wanted to let you know my side of it..take care and let this be your year to shine and, our thoughts and prayers are with you alays. GOD BLESS..
DON

HI Trish,

Just know Im not alone makes me feel slightly less anxious!

I would be interested to hear your spouse thoughts if you ever want to share! please PM me if you get a chance to chat!

I hope we can kick this feeling soon! I cannot even use the self talk b.c. the other feelings are so strong and it isnt self inflicted. I know Im great but this person is making my life crappy and stressful! ahh what to do!?!?

I can deal with the ocd and obsessive thoughts just fine but I cannot get through or even close to this one!

Hi Don,

Thank you for the long post, REALLY! your perspective especially coming from a man is great.

I wanted to ask you what you meant by looking for a way out of my relationship? I dont think its mean at all, I appreciate your blunt honesty and you may be right. Please explain if you have time!

Also when you said what does he do for the marriage, I can say he states 'I pay my half of things..' He thinks that is good enough. I accepted this as I have always worked hard for myself but am I wrong for wanting more of a man?

MAEGGIE,
sometimes when others have problems they are looking for a way out. if i said you were and you were not then throw that idea away. it was just from someone that has been where you are now..
no i do not think that you are wrong for wanting more from a man..you 2 should be one that is what i think...
if i love someone then i will do what ever it takes to make them happy..
its hard i know when you are in the program to make decisions and lucinda says to not mkae fast ones then...
i hope this helps explain what i meant..take care and hold your head high because you are someone..
i love the thought of a joint account. that is what we do..i handle all the bills something she does not want to do..
but that is me...thanks for writing and keep in touch..you said i may be right. and i was wondering about what..just wondering was all..
don

Maeggie,
I can attest to a bad relationship bringing you down. Your marriage has some of the same things mine did. We both worked. I paid my share, he paid his. Anything extra usually fell on my shoulders. Responsibility for the kids was split unless he was working and needed me to pick up our son. He rarely helped with our daughter unless it was to yell at her. I begged for intimacy. I felt so rejected that he wouldn't be with me without me begging and crying, and sometimes not even then. He never initiated. He was content watching Larry King Live and reading his books. We were business partners/roommates, not friends, lovers, or a couple. I wore the pants of the family, taking on the responsibility of almost everything. He was helpless. I spiralled deeper and deeper downward until I couldn't take the fighting, the lack of love, the isolation. I spent two years in therapy, one of it as a couple. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, but the doctors keep piling on the meds for depression, anxiety, migraines, etc. I left finally and even carry some guilt to this day for some reason.
I have been married for two years now to a REAL MAN who recognized that I was ill and needed help. He supports me- I stay at home now. He gives love, affection, conversation, listens to me, knows me better than I know myself. He is a leader and leads us well- confidently, gently and strong. He takes us to church weekly and sees that God is a part of our life and marriage. His patience and endurance through this long haul has been incredible.
I'm not trying to tell you what to do- just sharing my experience and letting you know you are not alone. Several of us have been where you are or maybe still are.
Regardless of what you decide or when you decide it, please know that you are worthy and deserving of a good man who loves and cherishes you and who will be there for you. Maybe he will try counseling. Maybe he doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation or that he is lacking and needs a good shove into reality. But he has to be willing to change- you can't change him. I learned that after way too many years.
I hope some of this helps and best wishes to you. Private message me anytime you need to talk.
Beverly