Stress Center Peer Support

I have a real perfectionism problem. I like having things just so and get frustrated if they are not done "right" or up to par of my very high standards. This affects every aspect of my life from my appearance to not letting anyone else clean the bathroom because they don't do it effectively.

My issue now though is that I'll be going back to school in the fall and it'll be the first time I've been to college (I took online classes last year-my freshman year) and the first time I've been in a classroom in a year and a half (due to school phobia). When I was in high school, I often got taken advantage of in group projects-I would get so frustrated that the other people weren't doing their part or weren't doing it the way I wanted it to be that I would do the whole thing myself, which was of course very stressful and completely unnecessary. I'm really fearful that the same thing will happen again when I return to school. I don't want to be so uptight but I feel like if I don't get a 4.0 GPA and do more than just acceptable on every assignment that it's not even worth going. How do I NOT do this? I crave being seen as the "standout student" but I hate getting taken advantage of and quite frankly don't have the time and energy to be so perfect 100% of the time. Is it possible to not be so "on" but to not feel like a slacker? I'm really having trouble with this.

Oh ho! You sound like I used to be. Ha! I used to have to have my home PERFECT! people would walk in and would ask if we actually live in this house! My hair had to be just so, my clothes pressed, NOTHING was out of place.

NOW? HA! My house is lived in...not dirty, but not a sterile model home by an stretch of the imagination...and I am enjoying my life.

I too went back to college (at 35). I am 38 am hopefully will be graduating next year. Like you I also used to be taken advantage of in group projects. At lease at our college and the department I am in (graphic design) most kids DO pull their weight. Some, well do not even try. The manner in how your professor deals with these circumstances may be different from how my college or other colleges deal with SLACKERS. There is a group grade (how well the group interacts with one another and works together) and an individual grade (what actual part of the project I did, how well I executed the assignment as well as how well I integrated it into the group project). The professors SEE the slackers from the get go. Andif they do not, just tell the slacker to get up to speed otherwise you will ask the professor to pu tthem in a different group. Screw them! This is not daycare, it is COLLEGE! I can say that we did not have too many group projects. Most were individual as well as an option of picking a partner. Most professor want people to work in groups to experience that whole warm, fuzzy "team effort" thing. In the Air Force, slackers got a blanket party...NOT fun. (bars of soap, deodorant cans, shampoo bottles not in a gift basket but in a pillowcase..victim, I mean SLACKER is sleeping and you get the picture ) Can't do THAT anymore!

I have a 3.95 GPA. I work my TAIL off for it. When I have class, my house basically goes to the crapper, I do not have any social life, I do not do much of anything besides school. Oh well, priorities right? My husband is great about it and pitches in when he can. Sometimes he too does not have the time. But I resolved that regardless of what grade I get, I KNOW that I tried my best, I studied hard, I worked on a project hard. You usually get what you put into it. I also have to realized that my work is subjective to another persons opinion (ie: the teacher). I got a "B" in Speech. I really was not sure why. I studied the material I spoke about, I had references, I did everything in MLA format to turn in, but still the lil' speech Nazi gave me a "B". So I am not perfect...Oh well. I KNOW I did what I could to be the absolute MOST prepared for the speech, if he did not see it then oh well. It was still a "B" in the class which is pretty darn great and THAT is still acceptable for me. I cannot control what grade the teacher will grant me. It was a fair grade, he felt I could have had more "passion" in the speech. Heck I am NO actor! That is not this class, but I was not going to argue. Now if they guy gave me a "C" or less, you BET I would have contested it. But after all, his speech class was a condensed summer class (3 weeks, 8am-12pm Mon-Thurs) We did 6 speeches in that amount of time, so to do all the research he wanted with every single speech and citations in MLA format turned in, I think I did pretty great. (At times I would hit the sack at 3am and be up at 6am for class. Maybe I could have been a little sluggish during a speech or two.

All I know is, is that when I try, I DO get a good grade..."A" or "B". So all it takes is commitment and effort on my part and I do well in class.

If it helps any, I know people that are book smart, 4.0's, full scholarships, etc. Some have a grasp on life, others have NO clue and are SOOOO lost. I know people that have graduated from excellent colleges with stellar grades( I will not beat any given college down) that cannot find their way out of a paper bag once on the job. Yes, true. Excellent grades really do not mean everything. I think a balance between books smart, street smart, common sense smart is what is needed to succeed in life...and THAT is NOT all in the grades. You try your best. If you feel the grade is unfair ask the professor why they graded you in the manner they did. If you still feel wronged (teacher had it out for you, discriminated, etc) you can contest your grade with the college.

But being a stand out student really does nothing for you in college. It may get you a scholarship, a letter of recommendation maybe. There are SO many students that the professors will not remember you unless you were the kid that did a report on GG Allin.

So just go to class daily telling yourself that you study hard, you do your best. You get out what you put in.

I can completely understand the perfection thing. It's been a part of me my entire life. I remember being a fifth grader and drawing, erasing, and redrawing the title line of my poster project for hours just to get it perfectly straight. Perfectionism has beaten me down time and time agan. When I was in college, the perfectionism thing hit me hard, and I struggled desperately to be perfect while working full-time and going to school full-time. It didn't work out the way I wanted, and my roller coaster of a transcript is memorialized proof. I did get my degree though, and that is all that matters. At least that's what I'm trying to tell myself anyway. Granted, none of the employers in my field have asked me what my GPA was. All they cared about was that I had the degree and what experience I had.

Recently, I realized that the perfectionism thing is encroaching on my recovery. For example, consider my attempt at positive thinking. I have to be perfect at it. My therapist says that no one can be a positive thinker every second of every day. I am way too hard on myself, and she said that I am incredibly self-forgiving, which is absolutely true. The perfectionism thing has hurt me academically, socially, and professionally at times. I am trying to figure out how to get a handle on it. For one thing, I have no idea where I learned it. But I definitely know that it caused me to never feel good enough pretty much since I was a small child.

Recently, I have learned that it's a part of my OCD. My black and white thinking has caused me to make decisions based on perfectionism, such as "If I can't do it perfectly, then I won't do it at all." My pdoc said that my drive to perfectionism causes me to reach a crisis point eventually and my whole system falls apart. Also, one of my issues is control. Specifically, there is so much that I can't control that I go into overdrive trying to control what I can. It makes a lot of sense to me, but I know that this will be one of the hardest battles of my life. That being said, I know deep inside me that it one that is worth fighting in.

I wish you the best of luck, and if you come across any strategies that are helpful, please post them! Thanks!

Genie

Do you mind if I ask you a couple questions... hope I don't sound like a psychiatrist lol:

1 did you have an overbearing parent(s)?

2 did you grow up in a very religious household?

3 do you have some type of artistic ability?

I have 2 and 3. My mom and dad split up when I was really young and my mom wasn't hard on me at all about school (because she had a lot of her own problems that she was dealing with... she had us young) so I was a B, C student and didn't think twice about it. My father was the very strict religious one and when I would go visit him he would, in a way, scare me into belief. I am a Christian today and I thank him for what he taught me but kids can't really handle "YOU'RE GOING TO HELL IF YOU...!!!" at such a young age. It produces fear and anxiety and PERFECTIONISM... because you're so scared. I deal with this too. Mine mainly came from always wanting to do right, not out of love but out of fear. Over the years it has turned into action with love instead of action with fear because I'm growing in my relationship with the Lord. I'm an artist (illustrator, painter, graphic designer, etc.) by nature and it's my profession so it's caused me to be very meticulous, anal lol, critical and the list goes on... so I feel your pain.

But I am getting much better. One thing that I kept saying to myself was "it's not that serious". Now when I say this, don't get me wrong; I care about the things that I'm supposed to care about but if I goof up on accident "it's not that serious"... if I misspelled a word on instant messenger "it's not that serious"... if I made a mistake a work that didn't cause the whole team a problem "it's not that serious"... if I forgot something because of my absent mindedness "it's not that serious". Just don't be so hard on yourself, it's exhausting to always beat yourself up. Just please God and don't worry about pleasing people because that's a never-ending hole!

To AbundantLiving:

No to all 3 of your questions (well yes to 3, but I've always really LIKED acedemics too) but my parents did divorce when I was little and my dad was very absent-so I always liked being "perfect" so that when he thought of me he would think highly of me. I was also the only kid with divorced parents at a Catholic school (although my family has never been particularly religious) and felt that I had to prove to the other kids that I could still be just as good as them even though I came from what their parents called a "broken home" despite the fact that my mother was/is awesome and I never felt the need to use that definition.

Perfectionism is a really hard habit to break. I hope we can all someday calm down enough to live with imperfection. Thanks for the support and any other ideas or encouragement are greatly appreciated!

I would like to pass on some words of wisdom to you that were passed on to me. Perfection does not exist in the universe. Constantly striving for perfection will only give you failure, because it does not exist. Do the best you can in all you do, but know your limits as well. What good does it do you to push yourself constantly to meet unrealistic expectaions, and then punishing yourself if you can't meet them? Also while striving to be the best we can in everything, we sometimes lose the enjoyment of the precious present moment. These are all things I have to remind myself of on a daily basis, because I can get caught up in perfectionism quite easily. I hope this helps!!