Think twice before u get married
I wish someone would have said those words to me before I got married. I have known my now husband for years, and we decided to get married because we thought it was the right thing to do and we very much loved each other. Now we are married I guess he's happy but I am so unhappy. He is very to himself it's like I am not even there. He prefers to be alone. Sometimes I go out after work he doesn't even call to see where I am. I tell him I want to go out and he says " go out it's not a problem". We don't go anywhere. We hardly talk anymore. I feel struck. I have ven started thinking of ways to get out of this relationship. Somedays I wish it was all a dream and I am not really married. We have no children together and I do not want any, I think at one point I wanted kids but now no way. We have everything separate. I pay my bills he pays his, we have nothing together. I miss my old life so much I feel like I made a terrible mistake and I have no way of getting out. My advise is wait and be very sure before u get married if I could turn back the hands of time I would literally run the other way nad never look back. If left I don't think he would care.
"To thy ownself be true".
-
Guest
I am not married and I, like everyone else, have an opinion which you may not even want, so grain of salt and all that. You say you hae known each other for years, which implies friendship and respect. Do you have these? Have you ever had these? You say you guess he is happy. Do you know? Have you asked him? You say he keeps to himself and likes to be alone- does he work and you don't? Do you act like strangers under the same roof? Is he a sort of natural loner or is this a big change in his behavior/ in your perception/ in your behavior? It must not have always been this way, otherwise you wouldn't be married. What may have happened to get you to this point? If you are suffering from anxiety and depression, the reality may not be as bad as it seems to you. However, it sounds very serious since you are secretly entertaining/ planning ways to get out. Separate finances are often a sign of disunity and lack of trust (in my opinion; it works fine for some couples). Have the finances always been separate?
A couple of things:
He probably has no idea how bad you feel.
At this point, don't worry about children, start waaaaaay further back.
If I were you, I would share these with someone else close to you- a sister, friend, sibling, clergy or trusted spiritual counselor (if you have this) etc so you are not alone with these feelings and thoughts. ASk yourself what you want to happen. Then, if it were me, I'd sit across from him, take his hands in yours, and tell him exactly what you just wrote to us. Tell him your marriage is in jeopardy because there is no unity and it makes you sad. Find out where he stands then you won't have to guess/ read his mind. Keep us updated. Move forward one way or the other. In the process, be nice to yourself and try to be civil to him. Good luck. Prayers are being spoken for you.
A couple of things:
He probably has no idea how bad you feel.
At this point, don't worry about children, start waaaaaay further back.
If I were you, I would share these with someone else close to you- a sister, friend, sibling, clergy or trusted spiritual counselor (if you have this) etc so you are not alone with these feelings and thoughts. ASk yourself what you want to happen. Then, if it were me, I'd sit across from him, take his hands in yours, and tell him exactly what you just wrote to us. Tell him your marriage is in jeopardy because there is no unity and it makes you sad. Find out where he stands then you won't have to guess/ read his mind. Keep us updated. Move forward one way or the other. In the process, be nice to yourself and try to be civil to him. Good luck. Prayers are being spoken for you.
-
Guest
Hi There..
Wowee I feel for you! First off I think you are dwelling way to much on the situation, by doing this and putting pressure on yourself you are already creating anxiety.
You have to be happy with yourself to be happy with anyone else, can you say you are happy within yourself even 85% happy? It is common for spouses to blame the other spouse for their unhappiness. Marriage isnt supposed to be dependent on one another, it is about complimenting eachothers life. You are partners. I am in a relationship of 4 years resembling marriage. We have had our struggles for the first 2 years my partner would say 'I had one foot out the door the entire time' which is b.c. I was so unhappy with myself and looking back it was a bad time for me. The happier I get with me the less I look at him for the encouragement and happiness.
You must live your own lives, there is nothing wrong with keeping things separate and balanced the key is if you needed him or he needed you could you help cover eachother? joining lives takes time, sometimes lots of time, but it does happen, taken me 4 years to even allow myself to borrow money off my spouse.. sometimes its things we have to identify and get over.. independence is normally what most relationships lack. That is important. Dont get me wrong partnering is too but independance allows for self happiness which in return will help your relationship.
The last point is marriage is never easy. in a long marriage say 50 years wouldnt you say there may even be rough years? marriage isnt perfect all the time, if it is 25% of the time you are doing well.. it is a daily struggle and work. There was a reason you two got married perhaps you need to work on finding it again.
Work on you sista, before making any major decisions, work on your mind, body, soul and life, get hobbies for you, have time with your own friends.. and then put efforts into your relationship. You must give to get.
Also talk with your husband. Communication is key. He probably has no idea how you feel.. anxiety related or not you have to be honest and allow him to love and support you the way you want. we are our own worst enemies!
Dont give up and hang in there.. marriage is a beautiful thing it like everyting else is all how you manage it!
Goodluck and please keep me posted! feel free to PM too!
Wowee I feel for you! First off I think you are dwelling way to much on the situation, by doing this and putting pressure on yourself you are already creating anxiety.
You have to be happy with yourself to be happy with anyone else, can you say you are happy within yourself even 85% happy? It is common for spouses to blame the other spouse for their unhappiness. Marriage isnt supposed to be dependent on one another, it is about complimenting eachothers life. You are partners. I am in a relationship of 4 years resembling marriage. We have had our struggles for the first 2 years my partner would say 'I had one foot out the door the entire time' which is b.c. I was so unhappy with myself and looking back it was a bad time for me. The happier I get with me the less I look at him for the encouragement and happiness.
You must live your own lives, there is nothing wrong with keeping things separate and balanced the key is if you needed him or he needed you could you help cover eachother? joining lives takes time, sometimes lots of time, but it does happen, taken me 4 years to even allow myself to borrow money off my spouse.. sometimes its things we have to identify and get over.. independence is normally what most relationships lack. That is important. Dont get me wrong partnering is too but independance allows for self happiness which in return will help your relationship.
The last point is marriage is never easy. in a long marriage say 50 years wouldnt you say there may even be rough years? marriage isnt perfect all the time, if it is 25% of the time you are doing well.. it is a daily struggle and work. There was a reason you two got married perhaps you need to work on finding it again.
Work on you sista, before making any major decisions, work on your mind, body, soul and life, get hobbies for you, have time with your own friends.. and then put efforts into your relationship. You must give to get.
Also talk with your husband. Communication is key. He probably has no idea how you feel.. anxiety related or not you have to be honest and allow him to love and support you the way you want. we are our own worst enemies!
Dont give up and hang in there.. marriage is a beautiful thing it like everyting else is all how you manage it!
Goodluck and please keep me posted! feel free to PM too!
-
Guest
-
Guest
-
Guest
-
Guest
when i read this it made me think of my previous marriage and how alone i felt and she went out while i was working and she was working when i got home...we loved each other for a few years but,as time goes by and the one that you love says to you before you go overseas that she don't want you to be lonesome and if you feel like you need to go out it will be ok as long as you don't go with the same person twice..well you know how men think. 2 times in a week a month or what..i tried to hang in there for 30 some years and she wanted me out..i left in oct 2001 and now i have remarried and am the happiest man in the whole world...marriage is between 2 people not one..if both of you talk to each other about anything like my wife and i can then you can work through anything...we both had been through alot and when we moved from where we were to where we are now in another state the panic and anxiety left...i wish you the best of luck in your marriage. do like cuttingirl and the others says..go and talk with someone..you know that you are lucky and he could have beat you but he likes to stay to himself. get him involved in what you are doing...take care and good luck and may this also be your year to shine..GOD BLESS..
don
don