Stress Center Peer Support

Hi everyone,

I've been gone for a month and much has happened. First, Lucinda's David passed away. Wow! What a tremendous loss for her and the kids, it makes my trials seem so trivial. I wonder how she is coping. She is such an inspiration for so many. I wish her much peace and offer many prayers.

I've had my ups and downs, and like a couple of times before, realize I need this website to maintain my "wellness". I keep coming to the conclusion that I've 'outgrown' this website and that I can go without, and I keep coming back.

This time, I find my anxiety returning at night. I'm an insomniac by nature, but had come to terms with it, accepting it, not catrastrophizing or obsessive thinking. Now I'm slipping up...getting anxious, catrastrophizing about the next day; what-ifing I don't sleep the next night; obsessing about problems. Last night, I concluded I should call my doctor to refill my Klonopin. I was doing so well!

While away, I missed the connection of blogging here, and tried iVillage. Yikes! I think they should call that iVillage Junior High. I only posted once, something benign about my son going off his ADHD meds for the summer and got 2 extremely nasty replies. Very mean spirited and immature. I complained to my cousin and she had the same experience. I know I can't extrapolate that to everyone there, but I wasn't risking that again anytime soon.

Lastly, my husband seemed to piss off my neighbors this morning. Instead of communicating their displeasure in a neighborly fashion (we've been friends with them for 7 years), they called the police! The officer was extremely indignant that they called, chastized them to 'talk to their neighbors', but still I feel totally unsettled. My goodness! We've known them for a long time, and never once had even one bad word, and they call the cops!!!!!!!! I know I'm in the right, but I can't stop ruminating about it! Help!

Thanks for letting me vent. I'm going to listen to session 15 again tonight. I worry it will just make me sad though, worring about Lucinda's plight.

dang tweaky(((())))) so sorry, that really sucks those neighbors. glad police were irritated with them saysing they need to talk to your husband first. yeh try to resolve be better neighbor, but cut your losses with them---just be as good a neighbor but distant and cool. its not your fault their nasty behavior---we all get irritated with some by times, but that is not an excuse to act mean and nasty. thats just them showing their true stripes---sorry you have to live by them. and by all means review and shore yourself up after this shock, i have to also by times as we all need to especially when we get 'hit' by stuff in life....its ok tweaky, even those without these 'conditions' have their bad times they must talk good to themselves---its life. best to you

Thanks h. Beth . It's nice to be back.

Instead of communicating their displeasure in a neighborly fashion (we've been friends with them for 7 years), they called the police! The officer was extremely indignant that they called, chastized them to 'talk to their neighbors', but still I feel totally unsettled. My goodness! We've known them for a long time, and never once had even one bad word, and they call the cops!!!!!!!! I know I'm in the right, but I can't stop ruminating about it! Help!

We have neighbors like this. They did like or want our fence up. We told them we were getting a fence and why. We also stated if there was damage to their property from our fence construction we would pay for repairs. They also said they would pay half of what it cost to chop some dead trees that were on the property line. (Never happened) They also took all the wood from those trees saying it was theirs. In any case, neighborhood kids were always in our yard, our deck, messing our stuff up, taking our garden oblisks, messing up our stone paths, flowers, etc. We also have dogs so I do not want them to be coyote snacks. So we got a fence. Ever since then, they have called the cops on us for the cable guy going into the utility box which is in their yard on a utility easement. Well Mr Cable Guy has EVERY right to be there. Every time we are in our yard, they come out and are obnoxious. Still, 3 different occasions they called the cops. They also put charcoal briquettes under our fence. They have used profanity towards me and even said one would take my husband away if she was not with her life partner. They also harass the kids that live behind them. One chased the kid with a long stick. The other 2 doors down think he can drive a logging truck with a boom on our property WITHOUT even knocking on our door. We called the cops. This guys kids dented and scratched our car, put dents in our garage door, his kids trample my landscaping, tease our dogs, their dogs poops in our front yard and they do NOT pick it up...shall I go on?

I have learned that with some people there is always miscommunication. (the other neighbor denied calling the cops, the charcoal under the fence, and basically everything else, but then no one else would have any reason to call the cops, only them!) So if trying to communicate with them fails time and time again, we have found it better NOT to communicate. THEN there are NO misunderstandings! It has worked! She tried to talk to us a few weeks back and we really have no interest. It is not that we dislike them, I just do not want the headache anymore. It has been peaceful with NOT talking to them. They other guy with the logging truck, he is just arrogant. He is some big shot detective who think because he has a badge he is above the law and is entitle to do as he pleased. Yeah right. Our town cop told him was could take him to civil court! Not such a big man anymore! The guy behind me also said he rather not associate with him because he is too big for his britches. If it looks like poop, feels like poop, smells like poop, then it is most likely poop. I just leave it alone. No reason for me to associate with people that are disrespectful of me and my property. Why should I get mad, I just associate with other neighbors . As for the ones that cause trouble, I do not get nasty with them, I just do not have anything to do with them.

Schnauzermom - Thanks so much for sharing your story. I know I'm not alone, but it sure helps to know how other people are dealing with this. It seems that you have decided to take the 'high road' and that's how we decided to deal with our situation.

The woman involved is what I call a "crazy-maker". She comes on too friendly, tells you personal information about other neighbors, is extremely high-strung, and brow-beats her meek husband relentlessly. For years, we have tried to stay nuetral with her, being friendly without encouraging her. We've felt sorry for her husband and giggle about his constant mowing, snow-blowing, weeding, anything to get away from her.

I knew she was capable of this because I saw her do it to her next-door neighbors (who moved away), but figured I would just stay out of her path. Alot of good that did me! Now I feel like a jerk for having been nice to her all this time, even though I really didn't like nor respect her. This has definately been a learning experience!

I think my only recourse is to take the high-road. Don't stoop to her immature tactics and stay true to my convictions. It's going to be tough for awhile because several of my neighbors have come over to tell me what she's been saying about us. I guess I'll lose some sleep for awhile, have some uncomfortable moments around them and others, but in the end, I should come out the better for it.

Why can't some people just get a life and stop all this crazy behavior?!

tweaky,

No reason to lose sleep over people that are nasty. Trust me there are nasty people wherever you go, they cannot be avoided. We just need to learn how to live in the world with them, not in their world. It is ALL about changing our attitude, perception and reactions.

I too should have known as when we first moved in, the ones next door just had all these nasty things to say about the people next door to them. My neighbors are not crazy makers to one another, but seem to be to other neighbors and then they turn around and claim THEY are the victims.

My husband and I really did not associate with the people next door to our neighbors as we did not want trouble. But a couple years later we found out OUR neighbors were the instigators to all (as well as others) troubles, then they would play the victims and blame everyone else, saying they were jerks and they were mean, etc, etc. Like I said she denied putting the hot charcoal briquettes under our fence. I SAW her do it! The fence butts up against our home, she could have burned our home and our dogs inside, ie: arson. (and SHE is a cop too!) The briquettes were there the next day and my neighbor behind me came to talk to me and noticed I was picking up briquettes, so he asked why I dumped them there. I told him I did not as I have a propane gas grill. There also was a pile of dry leaves under the fence with the briquettes. Their coal ash can was right there, but we are not talking about a few briquettes that accidentally missed the ash can, we are talking about 3-4 smokey joe grill fulls of charcoal. He was shocked, but then again he said one of them was using profanity at his kids and chasing them with a large walking stick.

Funny though, like I said several weeks back she approached me and asked me why we do not talk to them! I thought to myself like you have to ask! It was like she did not even recognize her behavior. I told her why, but she denied everything and put the blame elsewhere. She even said that they did not call the cops, but the cop that came out, I know him. The cop explained that the utility guy could access the utility easement in their yard, that it WAS legal! She denied he was out here or ever talking to a cop. This is his beat, she said it was not because she is the police and knows. (she is a county cop in the next county so NO she would not even know!) Out of courtesy and hoping to avoid another reason for them to call the police I had the last cable guy knock on their door telling them that he needed to get to the utility box. The guy came back within minutes and explained that they were the nastiest people he has ever dealt with and wrote on his work order to me that he was unable to access the utility box "due to unruly neighbors". I told him I could get a police escort for his safety, but he declined.

In any case, there is TOO much that has happened to be a "coincidence" or to put them blame elsewhere. She even said that the tree service guy was at fault and was purposely starting problems between us. (ok what GAIN does the tree service have by doing this) Even the fence company said that those 2 were always talking to them and seemed "off". She denied everything and would not take responsibility. Well things to not just happen and others here would have no reason to call the cops, or attempt to start our fence on fire. She forget she called me a ton of profanity names, threatened to take my husband away from me, heckled me when my grandmother died and caused all sorts of other problems. Sorry, good-bye and GOOD riddance ! I do not need the drama. I do not say anything to them, I do not make problems for them, I do not call the cops on them even when I can because they burn leaves and yard waste which is illegal in our county. (too cheap to buy bags and too mazy to bag it, it is easier to just cut and toss in the burn pile) I sleep well at night knowing I do not hate them, but I know that there is something there that I cannot explain, but we NEVER will be able to be on speaking terms. Personalities are different and sometimes there is something about people that is just not right. When someone is the victim all the time and blames others, when other neighbors avoid certain people, NOW it throws up a red flag. I am civil to them. By that I mean I do not say anything good or bad, but I also do not go out of my way (as they did) to be nasty. I also know I do not have to and will NEVER be chumsy with them either. We never can. They are the type that will take a "Hello" to mean everything is back to normal. It never will be. Gone are the days of doing breakfast or dinner, shopping, sitting out on the deck together. I cannot trust a neighbor that was vindictive, tried to burn our fence down several times, cheated us out of money, cheated us out of fire wood, lied about not calling the cops when the cop I know was out here and told me they made the complaint, swore at me, made problems for my husband and I...NO THANKS! I have NO use for people like that! Neither do you.

People like that usually have some other issue going on and whatever it is, I really do not care to stick around and find out what that issue is because to ME personally I have found it usually is something that is NOT good. Stooping to her level only breeds negative feelings and behaviors, then it becomes the "Hatfields & McCoys". I just wrote the whole thing off and it is what it is. I cannot control how they treat us or what they say about us, but I can disconnect myself from becoming their victim again. The other neighbors know us, so I do not worry about it. When they call the cops, it is something that is expected. I lowered my expectation of them to act like adults. I do not expect anything from them. It used to be uncomfortable, but that was because I was thinking it was. When I got over the initial shock of "How could they do that to us", I got over it pretty quick. There is NO explanation of WHY someone is or does what they do. All I can do is be in charge of why I think, feel or act the way I do. And if someone like my neighbors are going to cause problems all the time, I cut them off completely. Like I said before NO COMMUNICATION then there are NO MISUNDERSTANDING.

Why can't some people just get a life and stop all this crazy behavior?!

Some people to not even realize, admit or take responsibility for their actions. Maybe there is something there where she does not even realize what she is doing? Maybe she has some deep mental issue? Maybe alcoholism or drugs? I know there IS something not right. I am not sure, but I am not going to sit around trying to figure it out and being treated like crap daily to find out. There is something there, I cannot put my finger on it, but my gut tells me that it is something that is NOT good. I trust my gut and keep my distance. I feel safe, I am not walking on egg shells, I do not wait for the other shoe to drop, I do not get this hot/cold treatment, I do not have them playing my husband and I or other neighbors against one another, etc,etc. MY life is much more peaceful NOT associating with them.

Bottom line, you will be unable to change them. You can change the way you feel and react to this situation. That is the BEAUTY of this! They do not have you. You still are free and do not have to be their victim.

Hi everyone,

It is so nice to hear everyone's stories about their sicko neighbors. I had troubled neighbor issues as well. It's nice to feel not so all alone in this. We moved just last February primarily because of financial issues, but getting away from the neighbor was a nice benefit of the occasion.

The neighbor we had was mostly a festering thorn in my side. Constantly in my business. Questioning everything I did. "Who was I talking to on the phone and what about and for how long, etc., etc." "What was I going to do for my daughters schooling needs and how were her grades coming, is she keeping up with her class, etc. etc." "What kind of work was I doing, give me the particulars about what your level of knowledge on the subject is so I can get your business needs taken care of for you." Guess what, I'm a big girl and I can start a business on my own if I choose to and I can make decisions on my own about my daughter, etc. if necessary. I don't need her controlling everything I do. It doesn't bother me when someone is genuinely interested in me because they care and ask for these reasons, but this woman clearly did not care for me in the least. Her questioning was always about competition and control and probably some other sicko undermining effort on her part. I did try discussing my discomfort with her behavior and couple of times, but she was not in the least interested in finding peace or resolve with me.

She was very big on gossip too. She was always telling me who she like and disliked and why. Other neighbors, moms, kids, teachers, business owners, etc., etc. And she made it clear that the people in her life who choose to not be on board with her needs, opinions, etc., she was not nice to them. I know she didn't like me, so I know that she must have been talking about me too. My father gossiped about me to the point of alienating many of my own family members from me. So I know how hurtful and damaging gossip can be. Thus, my discomforts stemming from this neighbor was a definite thorn in my side.

She wanted me to discuss the color to paint our house with her when we were ready to do that. I didn't take her seriously until she was clearly upset with me when I did not consult her first. She wanted to make sure that whatever we did would coincide with her decor. She was clearly upset with me when I baked holiday goodies for my neighbors to share. Just a nice gesture at holiday time. At one time, I began walking for exercise, health, etc. I never saw her out walking, but suddenly, when she saw me, she went out and bought the latest fashion in exercise apparel and found a group of people to begin a walking regiment with. One time, I had my hair done and she saw me after it was done. The next day, she had the whole family out getting their hair cuts and dos. When we relandscaped our front yard, before we finished, she went out and cornered the entire landscaping industry, lol and redid her front yard in one weekend. It looks nice, but it wasn't done with integrity. It's like she had to beat me to some finish line in some sort of competition that only she was playing. PSYCHO!!

When I would try to parent my daughter, she would interrupt me with a shushing expression because she somehow didn't feel that my daughter needed my parenting about that particular issue. Talk about undermining ones parenting efforts.

I lost my second daughter at 7 months pregnancy. She lived for 3 hours and died in my arms. I still love her and miss her so much. When I was going through that, my oldest daughter was going to stay with my neighbor - this was before all her nosing intrusions were apparent to me and I didn't take them seriously. I really had no where else for my oldest daughter to stay at the time. I tried to talk to my neighbor about how I would calm my daughter down if she became upset as she is very sensitive and shy. I thought it would be helpful for her to know and it helped me to know that my daughter would have something familiar when she was scared. My neighbor told me that she would do whatever she wanted to do regardless what I talked to her about. If I'd had somewhere else to go, I would have told her to pound sand!

I can go on and on. She was like this, I guess, because she had to be the smartest, funnest, best looking, one and only woman on the block with all the answers and friends, etc. But I can do whatever I want to do in my own home! Whether she likes it or not. I had no interest in what anyone thought of me, I just wanted to be myself and live my life peacefully in my own space. I just couldn't get that living over there.

It's so nice where I live now. I can go for a walk and no one gives a rat's behind about it. I can wash my car and no one is asking questions or watching me or getting out the polish to get a better result than I will. In addition to other heavy issues in my life, I really feel that 7 years of that neighbor added to my stress levels, which contributed to the onset of my anxiety/panic symptoms. I'm so happy that I've found Lucinda's program and some of the other resources I need to conquer my anxiety.

I do have another thought about this neighbor difficulty issue however. And this is something that came to me only after I was able to get away from the situation and relax about it. I suppose if I had tried to have a one on one conversation with her, without anyone being defensive, I think that maybe I could have understood her insecurities and maybe been more helpful about them. I did try to discuss things with her, as I had mentioned earlier in this post, but I didn't have the right tools/knowledge on how to approach it at that time. Someone with these problems has serious insecurities and emotional difficulties. I think my anxiety had me all wrapped up in ME and I couldn't find the path I needed to accomplish this. I feel like Lucinda's program is finally giving me the tools to do this very thing. This kind of difficulty has been a problem for me with many people for many years. I'm so happy that I've finally found the way to handle these situations. I do think, however, that what some of you have shared in this post is exactly right. You have to minimize contact with psyco neighbors as best as you can. It's just not healthy to be exposed to it so much. And many times, they are just not going to cooperate on a reasonable level.

Thanks for reading and sharing,

Eileen

jadee, please don't think I mean this as any kind of attack; just information. My sister suffers from schizophrenia, my daughter has schizoid tendancies and her boyfriend is a paranoid schizophrenic and believe me from the bottom of my heart it is SO NOT "LOL" it is a very painful thing and hard for them and for the family. My sister will write me the most beautiufl letters, but I haven't seen her in years as she won't let me visit. I have to accept that though it hurts me. I wanted her to be the matron of honor at my wedding, and it was not that she would not... it was that she could not and did not even attend. This too hurt, but I had to accept it due to the limitations this illness put on her. My daughter's relationship with her boyfriend is so painful to watch (she is 27 & he is 30) and there is nothing I can do or say to help them; believe me I've tried; now I just give it to God in prayer. I know you meant no ill-will to people who truly suffer from schizophrenia and there families; I just saw an opportunity to educate and took it. Thank you.

I saw an article in the paper about this website...check it out.

Rottenneighbor.com
you can report your neighbors and apparently the public humiliation of that has been enough to stop them cold.

Sounds interesting. Im very lucky I have very nice neighbors but I learned a long time ago not to get into eachothers business to much.....the more you become close the more you become offended.
So be nice but keep your privacy......

It's been so great reading these stories. I fear this incident and the ensuing discomfort/drama will send me back into my dark days of panic, anxiety, and depression. Still, I've learned so much, and I still have all my CD's. Tomorrow, I plan to listen to them again, start journaling again, and hopefully head this off.

I wanted to tell Eileen that the neighbor she desribes has alot in common with this woman, however she is in her late 60's at least so some of the fashion and parenting issues does not apply. I live 2 houses away from her, and my neighbor who lives directly next to her says that she feels she has a "peeping tom". She is constantly saying things like "so, did you have a nice nap?" or "how was your cheeseburgers". When the nice neighbor moved in, the nasty neighbor had a tall, thick hedge between the houses. Now they are about 4 feet tall and getting shorter all the time. When the nice neighbor's kids ride their bikes in the nasty neighbors drive-way (which she encourages), nasty neighbors will say "don't tell you mom I let you ride here or she'll be mad" within ear shot of nice neighbor. Nice neighbor is like "what!", because she's never appeared mad about it.

I could go on, but I can see everyone here can relate and knows exactly what I'm talking about. I hope to get to the place where schnauzermom is, accepting, forgiving, realistic, and peaceful. I'm not there, but this is only day 2. My saving grace is that I honestly do not feel that my actions brought this on, so I don't have to make amends or deal with guilt about it. It's too much to hope that they are, but then again, when I walked my dog this morning and WALKED PAST THEIR HOUSE WITH MY HEAD HIGH, they were late to put their trash out or pick up their paper. Lost a little sleep maybe... :p