Stress Center Peer Support

It's recently come to my attention that I don't really know how to let someone else love me. i don't have a lot of faith/trust in other people and it is something that i really would like to face and change.

It's hard for me to date or be in relationships because of my fear of intimacy. I'm not sure where that comes from or what to do about it. So, I'm hopeing that there are others out there that have had this problem and found a solution.

How to you learn to trust people? How to you let your guard down? How do you face your fear of intimacy?

Any success stories, suggestions, books...are very much welcome and appreciated.

Thanks
Lilsis

hi,

your not alone I have the same fears of trusting people, and especially in relationships, I am new to this progam, I am barely on lesson 1, but what week r u on?? anyhow lots of people have said this program works..so hang in there and email me anytime u need to talk..

Hi! I have felt for a very long time, on and off, that I was not worth loving or being loved. I would give someone all the love I had and then some even if they didn't deserve it, but when it came to me, well... I don't have a hard and fast solution. We didn't learn how not to trust overnight, and learning to trust again similarly will not be easy or fast. I guess you just have to close your eyes and take little steps in the direction of trusting other people. One foot in front of the other. And if it so happens that the person you begin to trust gives you a really good reason not to trust them, then it's good to remember that this is only one person. This one person's actions don't speak for the whole of humankind. Good luck, and I'll be rooting for you!

Genie

Believe me when I say that I am no expert on this matter, however, a wise old saying came to my mind that just might apply for you.

"It is better to have loved and failed than not to love at all". Heck there are no guarantees in life and 50% of people end up in divorce but the experience sure is a good ride. Besides, who knows...you may end up being one of the 50% that doesn't end up in divorce !!!!

Good luck.

Hey Lilsis been awhile since I saw you! Suggestion? Be yourself and you'll come through everything just fine. You'll know when the right time comes to let your guard down, it happens to everyone of us, just at difrerent times in life. And I'll bet you half of southern Indiana that when that time comes you won't even think about it.

Still over here on this side of the world..er Indiana.

Btw, still married to the same lady after 29 years makes me an expert....uh huh! LOL

For some reason or another many of us were raised in toxic, unhealthy environments where we were not given the tools that we needed to grow up believing that we are worthy of love. But just being a human being in itself makes us worthy of love. Granted it's a part of life that there is good and bad, but none of this has to do with our self worth. And we just have to keep telling ourselves that over and over and over, until it's automatic and the negative part shrinks away.

Thank you everyone. It is nice to know that this is something we all deal with. i wish there was a manual on how to trust and love...but there is only experience, I guess. I will be myself. I do have to say that my skills are kicking in big time and I have to stop and go...wow you are doing really good. I hear myself doing my compassionate self-talk without even thinking about it. It's becoming more automatic, which is awesome.

I am scared, but I couldn't tell you of what...so that negative feeling is only "scared" I don't have to give it any power.

Thanks for the support everyone. And yes, it is better to have loved and lost than never at all. It also reminds me of the saying Lucinda has in her book:

Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor ; spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the grey twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.

I was also scared of falling in love with someone, because "what if" something happened? The "what-if", I have absolutely no idea. It was easier to stay alone. That way the only person who could "hurt" me would be me. It wasn't until my grandmother passed away in 2003, that I realized that I didn't want to spend life alone. I deserved love and happiness too. That prompted me to make a call to the person I knew I was supposed to end up with (but was SCARED to try!!!) Luckily he wasn't seeing anyone at the time, and now we are very happily married for 7 months. But I know that it sounds easy, but it was scary putting your self out there in that very vulnerable way.
In fact, my "anxiety" hit the roof about 1 1/2 years into our relationship. Too much of me trying to listen to what everyone else thought should be going on in our relationship, "Why aren't you married yet?" those types of questions....... I did the program and it helped me see alot of things about me......am I totally cured, no but I am better now.

Try and step past that wall, and put your best foot out there, when you meet the right one, you'll know........Good luck to you

I'd like to add one more thing. The most important relationship we will ever have is the one with ourselves. We need tolearn how to love and accept ourselves for who we are no judgement. Then we can be free to accept tre love from another human being. Easier said than done, but it can be done!!!