Stress Center Peer Support

Do you feel bloody jaded, like me?
Women can be so selfish and heartless. I haven't met a single woman that will give herself fully to a man with depression. They always need to be the sensitive ones who need the support and attention and I think it's very selfish.

As soon as I show myself as a man who has a hurtful past and depression, the women do a 180. I'm astounded by the amount of women with this problem that have partners despite their issues and even moreso the women who have loving and caring and understanding partners.

Who says women are sugar and spice? It seems to me men are more understanding.

I'm getting so turned off of women after all of the selfishness.
Maybe I wasn't meant to have a family. I guess I should start acting like a jerk and getting in fights to attract a female? Stupidity, that's what the world is!

Okay, Minn--you did say this is for men only, please forgive me for replying but I wanted to tell you as a woman that I hear what you are saying and have seen what you are describing. I would never put all women or all men into one bucket, but our society certainly expects the men to be the strong ones at all times, and the women to be able to crumble whenever they need to and have their men catch them.

I'm fortunate enough to have a husband who is getting me through this, but if the tables were turned I would hold and comfort and listen to him as much as he needed. I think you have probably had the bad luck of meeting some really selfish women, and I can see how that would color your views. Is there any sort of support group for anxiety/depression that is local to you? I'm thinking there you would meet women who will know from the start that you are dealing with this, and with whom you can connect. There are women out there that will walk on fire for you because they truly, completely love you. The trick is finding them, and weeding through the "jerks". Who knows, there may just be a single woman on this site feeling like you do right now...God works in funny ways.

Keep your chin up, you seem like a good guy and while it hurts to feel like "your partner" will never come (my 28 year old sister says the same things to me daily), I believe it will happen when you least expect it.

Hugs, Tara

Minn, I checked the post before and was hoping a guy would answer you. Since they haven't yet and Tara has, well here's another female. Hope you don't mind.

She's right. Please don't judge ALL females by the ones you've met. Pray and ask God to direct the right one to you. Trust me, there is the right one out there for you. Maybe you need to keep working the program and get help with the anx/dep. Focus on that for now. It is enough at this time. You will get better and you will attract the right kind of woman. Give yourself time. How old are you, if you don't mind answering. I do hope some guys will get on and comment to you as well. Please know Tara and I are females and we care. Maybe the ones you're calling jerks can't begin to understand what you're going through. God bless.

Hello MinnChad,
I disagree. Women and men both can be selfish and heartless. It seems to me that you haven't found the right woman. When you do, she will understand and be supportive of your problems and depression. I've been married for 23 years and my wife has always known about my problems with anxiety, depression, and mild OCD. She's very supportive, understanding, and encouraging. When you meet the right woman you will know it and you will have all that you are looking for in a relationship. Maybe it's not meant for you to have a family at this particular time. That doesn't mean never. Maybe you just need to work on you for now then maybe you won't be carrying these problems over into a relationship. But even if you do, she will understand. To me, getting into fights to attract a woman is stupid. That's not what the world is. It's what you make it.

P.S. I'm not attacking you. I'm just telling it like I see it.

All my best,
Inside Man

It takes two emotionally healthy people to make a marriage work. It's not all cuddling, sex, and understanding. When you have kids, both partners need to be emotionally healthy so that they can pass this health onto the child, rather than pass on their illness to the child. That's the way it works, no matter how much we wish it didn't. IF both partners are not emotionally healthy there is greater risk of divorce later on, perhaps when there are children around. This can be devastating to a child.

We all need love, as children and as adults. As children we are naturally dependent on our parents for this love. If we receive it in sufficient amount our love needs get met and we mature into emotionally healthy adults with full love tanks, generally speaking. We don't have love needs lacking, are self sustaining, and can function well without being in a relationship.

If those needs don't get met it's more difficult to mature into emotionally healthy adults. Our love tanks may be only half full or less. As a result, we often seek to have our tanks filled through a romantic relationship, a job, etc., i.e. through someone or something else. This is dependency and it does not work. We smother the other person, seek to control their responses to us in order to get the love needs met. The result is stress and friction in the relationship. What has to take place is emotional maturity. We have to finish what our parents did not. We have to learn how to satisfy those legitimate needs for love from ourselves, not through someone else. This includes learning how to love ourselves unconditionally, accept where we are at emotionally and every other way and begin to recover and mature into a healthy adult.

That's what the program can help us do, recover and mature. Over time we can reach a point where we are strong emotionally, not depressed or anxious, can take csre of ourselves. At this point we're ready to seek to develop a relationship if that's what we choose.

Patience, perseverance. It won't always be like it is now. But, seeking to get our love needs met by anyone but us is not how life works for anyone.

You don't need anyone but yourself to recover, you don't need the love and understanding of a female to recover. It would be nice as long as it doesn't lead to dependency, but it's not necessary. It'a always nice to have someone who understands, who shows compassion.

I say give up on women as a way to solve unmet love needs and look to yourself. Everything is inside of you, it's all there. Believe in yourself to recover. With patience and some time you can do it.

They always need to be the sensitive ones who need the support and attention and I think it's very selfish.

There are women who are sensitive, who desire support and attention, but don't need it. I married one of them. Completely self sustaining, emotionally healhty no matter how I am. I was very fortunate to have chosen her as my wife. I've learned tons from her and the program over the last 7 years. We've been married for 30. I am finally growing up!!! But, she does not support me or like it when I pout, am negative, etc. Not a lot of emotional support because she realizes (when I didn't) that must come from me. Thank God she didn't behave any other way. I almost left her several times as a result. We have to grow up and sometimes it's the hardest, painful, gut wrenching thing in the world to do.

MinnChad, I hear ya' and understand. Whatever I type in this reply I will be speaking from personal experience. A lady that replied to you (above) said that society expects men to be strong, true to a small degree,but God made men to be like that.Men are warriors at heart.
I'd like to encourage you to focus on the program and getting rid of depression and the past hurts before you seek a deep relationship. Don't let the lack of a girlfriend define who or what you are! repeat... don't let it DEFINE you, again I speak from personal experience. Nobody can define YOU! not parents,family nor peers.
I have been curious why our brains function as it does so I have researched the human brain (books, lectures and DVD's) and the brain of men and women are slightly different but that is the way God made us. (see the book and DVD series from a brain specialist named Dr. Caroline Leaf: <A HREF="http://switchonyourbrain.us/details.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://switchonyourbrain.us/details.htm</A> ) also do a search on YouTube for her name(very interesting) Besides Dr. Leaf, Let me suggest a book by John Eldredge (also comes in audiobook CD) titled 'Wild At Heart'. It is written for (and about) men. It speaks of the warrior heart of men. Sometimes women read this book to understand the man in their life. This book sure helped me find myself and why I desire the things that I am interested in. Another book by John Eldredge but for men AND women, this book helps to heal the hurts in our heart (the title is somewhat misleading) titled 'Waking the Dead'. Look on amazon at the customer reviews to find out more about these two books. It speaks so well to me I can't put it down!

Again I urge you to work on 'YOU'. Once you gain some ground with the program you will amaze yourself! You will look back and see how far you have come along, and this is a great feeling!

Take care,
Rod

Hi MinnChad. I understand. I was married to a very selfish woman. She always wanted me to wait on her all the time when she was sick but it wasn't the case when I was. And sometimes she was even violent toward me. But she didn't have anxiety problems and didn't understand me and how I was.

In our office there is 17 of us presently and I am the only guy. They don't understand my anxiety but they do support me which has been great. They know what I have been through (I used to work with my ex-wife for years).

So like everything else, some people understand and some people don't. I think Rod gave great advice when he said to work on "You". That's what I am doing. I know for relationships I'm not ready and everytime someone slides up to me I bolt. (I deal with that later lol). For now I am satisfied with making the changes I need to make me feel better.

I wish I had some awe inspiring advice for you but I don't. I think the right person will come along for you and it won't matter. Keep up the hope.

My husband suggested you keep going with the program and we are both curious as to where you are meeting these women? Most single women complain they can't find a sensitive male. I know when I was severly depressed I tended to push guys away, I'm not saying you do but you may want to look at how you are presenting this information. Definetly stick with the program and try the other suggestions people have made.

Chad, maybe this is not what you are going through, but I did so to better clarify what I stated earlier: I used to have the idea that I absolutely had to have a woman near me to 'Complete' me, the fact of one being there was a sign (in my mind) that I was really an ok and and acceptable person. Now that I have gone through the program and other materials I am very ok with who I am.
Hang in there!


Rod