Stress Center Peer Support

I'm so upset. I just started a new career after a very difficult grad program. I thought I liked where I worked, and felt like I belonged. I enjoy working with my students (preschool) and I try so hard to do a good job. I always stay late at work, bring work home, have questions for my supervisor, do research for answers, etc.

This afternoon I overheard my supervisor and our boss talking in her office. It sounded like my supervisor insinuated that I asked stupid questions, and that I'm disconnected and unfriendly. The boss seemed to defend me, saying, "that's her personality."

I was stunned and panicked. Yet *again* I'm being "punished" for being a shy, quiet person? My supervisor is complaining about me because I'm not a people person. I have always been made to feel like there's something wrong with me and I'm so self-conscious about my shyness and social anxiety. [About the questions...I'm a perfectionist and even if I know the answer to a question I'll ask other people's opinions to see if there's a better way to do something. I want to do things correctly, and well.]

I wonder if my supervisor got offended when I pointed out a mistake she made in a presentation (I wrote it anonymously on a card because they encouraged feedback but I'm sure she knew my handwriting). I hadn't slept enough and wrote it quickly; in hindsight I would've complimented the presentation and then offer up my insight as a minor detail.

It's true that I don't really socialize at work, but I never have. To me, I'm there to do a job, not coffee klatsch like so many of the other employees do. Plus they all know eachother forever and are a tight-knit group, into which I haven't been invited. Usually everyone's already in their offices when I come in in the morning, and I feel like an idiot shouting out a random "Hello" or "good morning", or worse, going to each door individually to say good morning. I eat lunch at my desk while I'm working. If I'm invited to eat lunch with someone I will but I don't want to be rude and invite myself somewhere I wasn't asked.

I'm feeling discouraged because I really did like my job. Now I'm doubting myself, my abilities, my career and my whole career path. Now I feel like my supervisor hates me, and I have to work closely with her for the next year. I feel like she has it in for me now--why else would she complain about me, when she very possibly knew I could hear her?

I know that being anti-social can be job suicide (it's happened to me before; I was let go from an [awful] job and part of it, though they didn't say so, was that I wasn't a team player and isolated myself. It's torture for me to socialize with people, especially when I feel forced to (like now). What's a painfully shy, socially anxious person with her self-esteem shot full of holes yet again to do?

Should I confront her? Ask her if there's something I should be doing that I'm not? Ask if I offended her somehow? Bring up things so she'll know I heard her? Talk to my boss?

Now I don't even want to work there anymore, but I have to finish out the year. It's my m.o. to run away from my problems and I know this one will follow me. I feel lost here with no solutions in sight. I also feel like I can't tell anyone because it makes me look like a weirdo. I saw them interviewing someone the other day. Could my job be in danger?

I'm sorry this is so long, but please help, please...

Leda,

I hate to say this but you're right- being anti-social is career suicide. It doesn't matter how hard you work or how much overtime you put in. You are also going to be judged by the personality you display and if you don't come out of your shell people will see you as aloof and distant. That's just the way it is- being a loner does not pay. People will see you as unfriendly and will judge accordingly- it can even make you look like an ineffective employee to supervisors despite the fact you do get results. When it comes to promotion time you won't be seen as management potential because you don't display the social skills needed to be successful. I would not do any confronting but consider what you already seem to know and consider changing some of your external behavior in a genuine way. Try a simple "hello" to coworkers and even your boss on the way in to work. Consider asking someone out to lunch once a week. In short, think about this and do what you need to do for your career health. I think you'll see the risks are worth it in the long run. Best of luck to you!

I know you're right, Sparkus. I still can't help but feel like my supervisor singled me out--I feel personally insulted. She's not critiquing my job performance with her comment, she's critiquing who I am as a person, and things that have no relevance to my job.

I don't have any sort of management aspirations, ever. I am content to be a worker bee--go in, get my job done, and leave. It horrifies me that underqualified people get by and get by well in life when they have good social skills and connections.

I know it's the way the world works, unfortunately. Not only am I shy and socially anxious, but I'm a loner. I really don't like being around people, especially if I'm not comfortable with them and I'm forced to socialize. I can do it in moderation but prefer that it's my choice.

I don't know how to conquer this. Should I try joining ToastMasters or something like that? See a therapist again?

I wish I could do the type of work where I didn't have to interact with anyone--but alas, I don't think any sort of job exists. I feel like it's bad karma coming my way for past regressions, or karma biting me in the back for choosing a field for the benefits rather than following my heart and my talent (for writing) [to the unemployment line].

Leda,

I can so relate to what you're going through...I have been in the same situation many times due to my fears of what people might think about me and due to my "shyness."

The previous poster is right that in order to change this situation and have it not happen again, you have to put yourself out there-there's really no other way around it.

I finally have found a job where I feel I fit in-and it's only because I have forced my self to be social and not so detached from everybody else. I believe that people saw me as aloof, not friendly and probably lacking confidence a lot. The environment I now work in is also a lot more conducive to me being able to be social-I work at a daycare center and we have four peole altogether working in our room. I feel more safe this way because we are almost forced to be friends because we are together all day dealing with the same stresses and children. When I was a waitress I felt a lot more insecure because many of the restaurants can be very cliquey and if you are not very social it can be hard to fit in. But I believe now that I have learned to fit in an easier situation, I will be better at my next job-it's good practice for me.

The more I have put myself out there and taken risks, the better results I have had-although I am still struggling with this issue as you are. It is hard when you've had it happen before and fear it could happen again, and then it does. I believe it's because what we believe that it can happen again, that it does happen again-we cause it to happen by our thoughts.

You really have to work on your thoughts, change them, and envision yourself in a better situation!

Good luck to you...I feel bad for you because I know how hard it is being in this situation. But have hope and know that you have the power to change this. I will pray for you!

hugs:) Meme

The thing is, I wasn't even thinking that it would happen again. I was blindsided. Now I don't even want to work there, especially not with my supervisor. I feel betrayed that she would talk about me behind my back and then act nice to my face. Why not say something to me like, "We like to see you around more. You should have lunch with us.." or something.

Leda,

I can relate to what you are going through. I am very quiet and shy but I do open up after awhile when I am comfortable where I work. I worked in a company for almost 16 years and got to the point that I wasn't afraid to speak up and made some wonderful friends. Our company was sold and we all lost our jobs. This was the worst experience of my life. I was comfortable there and knew I would miss all of the people I worked with.

After losing my job, most of my family moved to NC from FL. My brother was offered a transfer and we all decided to go. I had a very hard time trying to find a job that I was happy with. I lost my job 3 years ago and am working in my 4th job. I have finally found a job that I am busy and happy in. I work in a real estate office and I like being in my own little world. I don't like social situations but I will talk and be friendly to the agents. Part of it is that I do the accounting and they need me to pay them but they are very nice and I have fun taking with them. I do not socialize outside of work but I try very hard to be friendly and talk to them.

Sometimes it is hard to get to know me but when I am comfortable with you I will talk and have fun.

I agree with the others in that you need to try hard to be friendly with your co-workers. Say hello to them or try to get a conversation going. Do they do department lunches or birthdays? Maybe you can suggest that and this could be a way to get to know them and they can get to know you.

It does take a bit of an effort but it will be better in the long term, especially if you enjoy your job. Try being friendly to your supervisor and just take it as a learning experience and she will have no reason to talk behind your back. Maybe she just doesn't know how to reach you.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Cathy

Leda-

I really understand what you are going through. I beg you not to turn and run away like you are so used to doing. A couple of my best friends judged me and did not like me when we first met. And now we can't be any closer. Unfortunately we judge people without really getting to know them and that sounds like what your supervisor did. We all have our own personalities and that's what makes this world so diverse and wonderful, we think people should act like one another and talk like one another etc. and if they don't then something is wrong with them and we don't like them. Your supervisor was wrong...period. But, don't let her ignorance cause you to not be yourself or leave a job that you like. I'm a very shy person as well, but when I get to know someone, then I'm fine and I feel comfortable initiating conversations and asking people out to lunch. Being shy is just one of the character traits that you have. But, if you want to beat this social anxiety then use this as a learning tool. Hey you and your supervisor may become best friends

Just be yourself. No one should judge anyone's personality just because you are not the 'way'
she or he wants you to 'be' You are who you are and if you are shy -so what? It's really not their place to judge you.
A friend of mine was told she 'needed' to socialize during break because it didn't 'look good' Uh hello? she was able to choose who she
wanted to talk to. Her boss was actually not
liking her to begin with & he was coming up with
'bad character' criticisms just to get her to find another job.

You really do need to get out there if you want to succeed in the field you have chosen. I'm a little concerned that you are withdrawn around the children also. If you all work with the same children that is a good way to initiate a conversation with a co-worker. You only need to get to know one or two co-workers and the rest will go along with it eventually and accept you. What kind of work do you do?

I am shy to an extent. I just don't talk much. I usually analyze what I am going to say before I say it. I work in a small office and happen to work for my boyfriends mom. I don't even talk to her sometimes. I also have another boss and I sometimes talk it over in my head what I am going to say in my head before I go and talk to him, Even if it is just something as simple as dropping off the mail. I also have to talk to people on the phone and you are forced to talk then, and it is not so bad after you get over it or just do it a couple times. You just have to change the habit in small baby steps. Like bring someone some candy not to suck up but to show that you are nice and caring and it sometimes helps start a small conversation. You don't have to be best friends with who you work with, but it does help to communicate because people will be there for you if you don't think they will. I used to work retail and Had to get on ladders everday. I would get nervous and shaky and think I would get really bad and fall off. But I managed to pull through and worked that job for several years. I still felt anxious but it helped to talk to a few people that would understand and support me. Not everyone knew, but I somehow was able to overcome it. I have found that most people are nice. But I think people get frustrating mostly because they can't understand or they think you are being annoying or obnoxious when really you are nervous, anxious, and having a panic attack. Sometimes you just need 1 person at work that you can confide in, someone easygoing and nice an caring just like you. If you try to tell someone how you feel and they are receptive then they aren't a good person anyway.
I am constantly worried that I can't work a job for a long time because of my anxiety. But i feel like god has put me in the right place. Poeple will just know matter who you are and you can't take that to heart. Just be yourself. I am a hard worker and I think most people at any job that I have been at have recognized that. However getting raises and promotions I have trouble with because I am to afraid to speak up. But I have realized that if you talk to people whatever you were worried about in the first place the people you work with usually are understanding.