Stress Center Peer Support

I'm dreading going to work...because I have no one to eat lunch with. Normally this doesn't bother me--I like being on my own--but I recently overheard my supervisor complaining about my anti-socialness to our boss! Now I'm hypersensitive, anxious and even more self-conscious than usual.

I feel like my supervisor is constantly watching me to see how social I'm being. I feel like she hates me, also, because she thinks I'm cold and unfriendly. (Meanwhile I feel like she's been colder and less friendly to me. I even heard her invite a coworker to lunch and not invite me when she knew I was in earshot.) I had submitted a written correction to her after a presentation she did (this was requested by the panel who presented) and I think she hates me for doing that.

I feel so uncomfortable and panicky. I used to enjoy my job but now that a nightmare has become my reality (someone judging me harshly) all I want to do is run away.

I just don't know how to get from "Hello, how was your weekend/ how are you?" to lunch buddies every day. I came into my new job mid-year and most of my coworkers have been there for years (12 or more) and have been friends inside and outside of work. I don't know what my supervisor expects of me, or even if it's realistic! There are a couple of cliques at work and they've never invited me in. The other newish employee doesn't lunch with them either. And my lunchtime is opposite hers so it's not like we can lunch together, even though she hasn't suggested it anyway.

I'm tempted to get pregnant--my husband wants to start a family but I want to wait a few months longer--so I can escape. But there's never really an escape, as I have to encounter people wherever I go. I don't know if I could bear leaving (e.g., if pregnant) and not getting any kind of send-off from my coworkers--because they hate me because they think I'm cold and unfriendly but really I *am* trying.

I don't know what else to do. I always say good morning, how are you, etc. My supervisor said she's gotten good feedback about me. I used to like my supervisor but the fact that I overheard her complaining about me changes my mind about her. I don't think she's as nice as I thought she was, and I don't think I can trust her.

The field that I work in is small and connected. I don't want to burn any bridges but I don't know how much longer I can take it at my job. These first few months have been horrifically stressful and this new stress has put me over the edge. If I'm expecting a child at this time next year I don't know how I could handle things without putting my health at risk.

At times like this I wish I'd never gone back to school and I wish I hadn't chosen this career. I feel like I made a huge mistake and it feels awful.

I just don't know if my paranoia is valid or not. I've been correct before when I trusted my instincts about people. But I do have a tendency to blow things out of proportion and worry about *everything* especially stupid inconsequential things.

I also don't understand how mean, back-stabbing people can have friends and I can't. I mean, I would rather be alone that have that kind of friend and I don't have any friends. But why do the mean ones have friends?

People can be so cruel and not know how something that they say or do can affect others. All you can do is try to do your best in your job. I'm a bit anti-social, but my husband is completely opposite. He watches a lot of news and listens to talk radio, so he always has these neat little conversation starter topics, like gas prices or something. People always like to talk about themselves too. You can ask about their kids or where they are from.
They are probably not thinking of all this even half as much as you are. Try not to let the whole thing overwhelm you. Be proud that you went back to school and have a career. Cross the bridge of starting a family and leaving when it comes. Don't let those things worry you now. Keep your chin up and a smile on your face! You will be the bigger person here!

Thank you so much for your reply, bevhembree. I've been worrying myself frantic over this, and it's exhausting. It made me feel better to read your encouraging words.

I went back to work today after 6 mons leave of absence.. what a disaster it was i must have had 5 or six panick attacks today.. I work at QVC .I have all this time thats coming to me like 150 hrs vacation 80 hrs of paid emergency time off floating holidays and i was going to take 4 hrs of it today and was informed becasue i was out so long on a leave i have to wait 14 consecutive days to get my benefit time to be avble to take off .. i couldnt beileive it. If i dont make the 14 days they will terminate me .. So today i had to take a whole ativan to make it which i hated to do !!

If your supervisor seems "two-faced", being friendly to you and giving you good evaluations but then saying something negative about you in confidence to her boss, you may be misinterpreting her intentions and motives. She may simply see something that needs some work, as you admit you do, but will be patient and believe that you will grow in your job as time passes. You could be blowing this all out of proportion and the whole thing might resolve itself over time. Everyone has weaknesses.

I'm sure some of my bosses have seen areas for improvement as well and have said something to their boss about it. But, that didn't out weigh the contribution I was making to the company. If something needed to be addressed, it was, but usually it didn't need to be. Trusting your supervisor to deal honorably with you is probably a better way to deal with this. If she see's something that needs attention, why not trust her to bring that up with you directly? And if she doesn't, why not assume it's not that big of a deal?

I guess that never even occurred to me, Don57. I've been betrayed a couple of times and it hurt me so deeply that I just don't trust people anymore or give them the benefit of the doubt. I just naturally expected that my supervisor was out to get me (she still could be...).

Our boss did seem to defend me, saying [about me] "that's just her personality." I think I definitely deserve an A for effort. I always stay late at work, go to all the Staff Development things, am always looking to learn, etc. But I know that so often in work and in life it's about who you know, not how well you can do a job. So again I assumed the cards were stacked against me.

It's so hard for me to trust her...I'm so used to people letting me down and hurting me.

Whatever the situation is, believing in yourself and your capabilities and doing the best you can is the best offense and defense. When bosses get together to discuss employee's performance there are always criticims of the employee as well as compliments. But, if something needs to be addressed it is the boss's job to bring that up with you directly. Maybe she does have it in for you, or maybe you only heard the criticism part of the discussion. Who knows? But, if her behavior is being friendly to you directly and giving you good evaluations, that's not consistent with trying to do you in.

Leda,

No matter what - being true to yourself and being a real professional at all times is what will get you noticed and get others respect in the long term.

Your boss may be threatened by your focus. Many people enjoy being social at work, but it can distract from productivity. The lunch buddies may worry your work ethic may make them look bad. Don't worry about it. That is not your concern.

Work is work - people who gossip and talk bad about others will eventually have a fight with their buddies and then be talking about them. The people who manage to hold on to their respect in the workplace are those who don't participate in such behaviour.

Let go of what others think of you. Do you enjoy eating alone normally? If so, don't worry about them, just enjoy your peaceful lunch. If you really don't enjoy the time alone, bring some treats for dessert once a week and ask them if you can crash their lunch - tell them you need some girl time...if they are worth spending time with they will invite you in. If not they aren't worth your time.

Good luck,
Be true to you - no one else is living your life. Only you can really decide what makes you happy.

Heather

I think it boils down to, "What do you think about yourself?" Do you see yourself as adequate, competent, flexible, able to adjust and grow into changing circumstances or do you see yourself as less than adequate, not good enough, needing major improvement, unable to adjust?

I think you are beating yourself up on a continual basis over perceived and real unfairness and it is eating you up. I think the negative thinking is eating you alive. In my opinion, this is what happens when we hold grudges against others and ourselves. Perhaps you need to discuss your job performance with your boss so you can get a clearer picture of the true circumstances you face. But, what I think I am seeing here is cognitive distortion called "JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS". You anticipate that things will turn out badly and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact. Also, "MENTAL FILTER" appears to be present - You pick out a single negative detail (criticism by supervisor) and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that colors the entire beaker of water.

I think you are beating yourself up over all of this and it is getting to you. The more you think about it, the more it gets you. As Heather has advised, let go of the expectations that others have for you. Think well of yourself and your capabilities. Work at turning these negative, scary thoughts around through journaling and restructuring. Address injustice, if needed, in an assertive manner, then forgive it, let it go. Don't boil and stew over it and keep it inside. Either address it or let it go.

We all face challenges. Some we succeed at and some we don't. But, it's how we think about it all that will enable us to keep functioning no matter the outcome.