Stress Center Peer Support

I hope this post doesn't become a book and I really don't know where to start. I guess the reason I need to vent this is b/c I am feeling really bothered, angry and sad all at the same time. I need to find a way to be here for my sister-in-law and brother, but not let it totally take me over emotionally.

First of all, my brother is a recovering alcoholic. Before they were married, he finally went to rehab and has been sober and fine (at least I thought). Early this morning, I get a phone call from my sister in law. (She hardly ever calls). Right away, of course I ask if everything is okay with the baby and everyone. She and my brother had a baby girl in Dec., they have only been married like a little over a year, and my brother (who is the youngest of my siblings) is in the process of adopting her daughter who is 13. She assures me off the bat that he's not drinking, but she proceeds to tell me some she's scared he's cheating on her. When she told me some of the things (one being this lady in one of his AA meetings), I could see why she feels this way. On the other hand, I have always been extremely close to this brother even when he was intolerable in his drinking days. I do not want to sound naive or like I am 'protecting' him in any way-there is something up but I told her I don't know if would cheat. I have more of the feeling that he's drinking again. She really thinks he's not. I told her he needs to go back to the clinic for a "tune-up", meaning, he's had some serious life stressors (married, baby, adoption) along with sobriety. I also told her, speak up for yourself! Let him know how you feel, don't let him do this to you. You take care of the kids, you work, etc. I am on her side-she's vulnerable, scared, and afraid. Now, the reason I am posting this is that although I want the best for my brother and her and their kids, how do I hang up the phone and calmly and quietly take care of my family!!?? I mean, I've been thinking about this all morning long. She was going to call me back, but she didn't. I realize we all feel things, that that's part of being human, but, I need to let this go and not be as affected by it. I feel as if I am her going through this. I spoke to my husband and he too feels really bad about how she's feeling not knowing, but I am sure he's at work (yea, I am at home!)talking and laughing about different things throughout the day, while by 5:00, I'll still be wondering what my brother is up to and is he going to spiral down and lose his whole family. Any advice how to not take on someone else's problems? Especially when they are family? Thanks in advance.

I think it's hard to be in your position and see people you love going through a rough time. You kinda feel helpless on the side lines and really want to help. Do the things you can- listen to them, love them, pray for them. You can't be responsible for what happens, though it'd be nice if we had a magic wand! Bless you for being such a caring person.

It's so hard not to absorb other peoples' stuff. Especially when it is family. You might want to focus on the fact that you are NOT responsible for your brother's life and you are NOT responsible for how his wife feels about their life. You have no control over what happens in their marriage and your sister in law may just need someone to listen to her at this time. Worrying and wondering if your brother is going to spiral down and lose his family will not stop this from happening and may end up making only you sick over it. Sorry if this sounded a little harsh, but I spent a lot of time in co dependency meetings and therapy and if there was one thing I learned was that sometimes you have to tell yourself "I have no control over this and must except the fact that I cannot control another person's behavior no matter how much I want to." Be there to listen and offer help but also tell yourself that it is not your responsibility to "fix" it.

Bevhembree, thank you for your response. Mary, as I was reading your post, it dawned on me that Intellectually I know I should tell myself those things and really start to believe them too, but I feel GUILTY not trying to help and fix these problems for these people!! You were not harsh at all-it was eye opening and I know now I need to listen, like you said, but not to feel 'guilty' in letting it go at that. That was the kind of advice I was looking for. Thanks again.

This is one of the hardest things to do in family situations like this for us. The other posters are right. Almost my entire family has some sort of anxiety and or depression, some worse than others and alcoholism runs in the family. Mom and Brother are alcoholics, and I was a binger, and uncles and grandfathers on both sides are and were alcoholics. Before my anxiety started I helped both my Mom and Brother sober up and you can imagine the stress that can cause. They both slipped up for a while and now they're both sober working as a team together. My Mom's on anxiety meds and she really doesn't think she has a problem with anxiety, but the last time I really talked with her about the program and how it's helped me and what you do in it and all that, I found out later she had a panic attack. I felt guilty for a while, but then realized that it was really her problem because of the way she handled herself. Anyway, I haven't asked her yet if she still thinks she doesn't have a problem with anxiety or not in the fear of getting her upset again. Like us, alcoholics have to be the ones to decide that they are indeed what they are and they have to make the decision to address the problem. My Mom can't get off her meds though, and a lot of the time the dose she's on doesn't work because she's been on it so long. To keep herself busy and off her own problems she loves to pick up everyone elses's problems and try to fix them, I guess it gives her purpose and she is our Mom, but the stress that it causes her will put her in the grave early I'm afraid. I've told her that she must rearrange her life. Her kids aren't babies any more and they have to deal with things on their own, especially if they are to mean anything to them. So what I'm saying, is you must take care of yourself first and foremost, then realize that these problems are not yours. You can try to help by listening and giving support and advice but then, after you hang up- let it go. I know this is so hard to do but it's the best thing for you. Please don't feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You're just being responsible, and it will in the long run make you a better you! God Bless You-