One can ABSOLUTELY "DEAL" w/ SEXUAL ABUSE. Lets clarify DEALING: no, you can not erase these traumatic events fr existence - they already happened. DEALING is a PROCESS. That process, 1ST & FOREMOST, should be guided by a MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL = THERAPIST/PSYCHOLOGIST/PSYCHIATRIST. This is very necessary & instrumental - so 1 is not overwhelmed emotionally when "dealing" w/ the abuse. Believe it or not, there is a very systematic approach to it. "DEALING" includes: acknowledging + admitting + addressing + feeling + dealing + reconciliation + forgiveness + letting go. Forgiveness, a later step addressed in the process of "DEALING", is very very important. Having completed all the previous steps - 1 forgives for themselves(a concept I myself never thought possible)- WHY? lol you may ask. Forgiveness is a GIFT YOU GIVE YOURSELF because essentially you WANT TO FEEL BETTER. Irrevalent to RIGHT, WRONG, OR INDIFFERENT(meaning blame)- <span class="ev_code_RED">carrying around all those cumulative emotions fr that event or events is hard on YOU the victim. All that surpressed ANGER/PAIN/FEAR/RESENTMENT is like an emotional virus eating @ your soul & spirit. </span> By no means am I saying you are not entitled to those emotions, YOU ARE - DAMN IT YOU WERE THE VICTIM & THAT SHOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED TO YOU. However, when you reach that point in the road of "HEALING/DEALING" you'll reach a point where you are going to say & feel in your gut, "I don't need to hold on to the pain of this/these event/events - I don't need to ALWAYS BE RIGHT OR STAY RIGHT - I know what happened to me - I know it was wrong & I am ready to live myself NOW as a FORMER VICTIM - no longer a LIFE LONG VICTIM. You forgiving a person is you actually taking back the power. As long as a person is unable to forgive(again, for themselves) they remain a VICTIM of the PERPETRATOR - power the perpetrator doesn't deserve to have at all. Forgiveness doesn't JUSTIFY in any way what they did - NO. Nor does forgiving mean you need to have them over for CAKE & COFFEE - HECK NO. Forgiveness means, you as the ADULT YOU NOW ARE - wants to BE FREE, no longer in the emotional prison this event created for you. It simply means you want to FEEL BETTER, LIVE BETTER, & LET GO.
When my anxiety disorder triggered in APR 2005, I intiated therapy w/ a psychiatrist IMMEDIATELY. I was diagnosed w/ ANXIETY DISORDER, PANIC ATTACKS, & PTSD: fr 9/11, surgery I had that triggered the disorder, & my CHILDHOOD. W/o unnecessary details, that childhood included: abuse(a-z) + abandonment by both my father & mother + molestation: 2 immediate biological family members & 3 "neighbors". THAT WAS A LOT OF STUFF for 1 person to go thru. These events had such an effect on me - I didn't realize just how much till anxiety disorder triggered.
I was on my own in senior yr of high school. I graduated, secured an apt, got a job & worked FT & eventually attended college @ nite - graduating top of the class. ALL GREAT THINGS. There were emotional ramifications to what I endured - I was given burdens no child should ever have. See, the thing is, all my life since a young age - for me it was always a case of LIVE & SURVIVE, not THINK/FEEL/ACKNOWLEDGE/ADDRESS, ETC - I didn't have that option or luxury. Most importantly, 1 can't fix what they don't know is broken. Sure, I knew these things happened. I just didn't know how much they effected me & consequently, I didn't know or WASN'T AWARE that something HAD TO BE FIXED/ADDRESSED. I assumed, THIS IS ME & THIS IS MY LIFE.
Upon starting therapy w/ a psychiatrist w/ 30+ yrs experience(specializing in TRAUMA) - I realized a lge part of my anxiety disorder had to do w/ THEN & all that happened to me that I was unable to ADMITT/ADDRESS OR FEEL. So, if I wanted to FEEL BETTER - I had to go there. My anxiety disorder was REAL BAD: I was forced to not be able to work - stayed home for 3 yrs while everyone I knew worked & w/ what felt like - them going on w/ their lives. I became very dependant on my husband for well just about EVERYTHING - something that was quite foreign to the INDEPENDANT & SELF SUFFICIENT WOMAN I WORKED HARD TO BECOME. I was on CLONAZAPAM 3x's per day & 2 sleep aids - to combat the severe sleep dep I was experiencing(1-2 hrs per 24 hrs). COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE THAN IT WAS FOR ME. In my case, it was like this(for ex): <span class="ev_code_RED">like a VOLCANO & its LAVA, I surpressed all the anger/pain/fears for YRS - so they BUILT UP & UP. Yep, like that volcano & its lava. However, my emotions built up for so long(since age 5 to when anxiety triggered @ age 37) that there wasn't any more room in my emotional storage. So, my surpressed emotions exploded = like that volcano = ANXIETY DISORDER TRIGGERING.</span>
By me addressing things, little by little = 1 by 1, I was making room in my emotional storage FOR THE GOOD STUFF - THE HEALTHY STUFF - THE POSITIVE STUFF - as the woman I am not the victim I was. <span class="ev_code_RED">The process can be thought of as an AN IMAGINARY TIME TUNNEL: going back in time - as if the events were just happening & reliving them as if JUST HAPPENING. Except this time, allowing myself to admitt & feel all I did back then, that I was too afraid to.</span>
Is it easy? No, not @ all - I will not lie. Imagine reliving living 20+ yrs(more or less) of TRAUMA & condensing them into 20 MONTHS - HARD STUFF. However, DOING THAT WAS THE BEST GIFT I HAVE EVER GIVEN MYSELF. Because, I stand b/4 you (sort of , lol
- @ least CYBER SPACE LIKE) recovered fr anxiety disorder + no longer on anxiety med or sleep aids + free fr those events - for I don't fear the emotions anymore - I felt them - I addressed them & now I am free to live my life as I want - as I choose - as the GREAT WOMAN - COURAGEOUS WOMAN I AM - you see, I AM NOW A "FORMER VICTIM" - it was the adult I am that helped guide the former child I was thru this process. Kind of like holding her hand & assuring her she would be ok. It was the ADULT ME - that knew this process would be the best thing for me - not the most fun, but so necessary.
Asides fr carrying around for yrs all those previously mentioned surpressed emotions, I too carried around GUILT for yrs - thinking it was my fault my mom & dad didn't want me - that it was my fault I was abused & molested - trying all my life to MAKE UP FOR SOMETHING I THOUGHT I DID - so they would love me/want me/accept me. What a silly burden to place on myself. See, prior to therapy - I didn't know the difference. Now, I do & that is why I am free. It wasn't my fault - I wasn't to blame & I forgave them all. Their souls carry the burdens of what they did to me - however that is b/w them & GOD - not me. That is their problem not mine. I choose to live my life, away fr them - w/o them - w/ an inner peace I am obtaining that I've never known. THAT IS THE BEST WAY TO COMBAT ABUSE/MOLESTATION. <span class="ev_code_RED">Because you see - once you have HEALED fr it - & you also become a FORMER VICTIM - than you too can go out in the world & give back - change someone else life - 1 person or 1 sm little thing(like this posting for instance) at a time. That is how WE AS A SOCIETY COMBAT THE TRAVESTY OF CHILD ABUSE - education, action, reform & informing by former victims - THAT IS DAMN EMPOWERING. </span>
See, I'd much rather live my life - using my experiences to help other victims - to inspire or help - so they can heal. I'd rather give back & volunteer maybe, than remaining a victim - in a sad morbid state for the rest of my life - I don't want to live like that - I deserve more. That is why I went back to every single therapy session, as hard & gut wrenching painful as it was - because I knew - I was taking the power back - I was affording myself to get to that point where I was a FORMER VICTIM.
I say, give yourself that same gift - you so are worth it & the little child that you were - yes, that little boy or girl inside of you, that was the victim - deserves to be free. You the strong & courageous & smart adult that you are now - CAN HELP THEM. God Bless.
LENORE
