Stress Center Peer Support

Originally posted by Lenore:
Hello NIRELANDGUY!!

Gosh, its early here in NJ-USA, only 5:37a.m., lol - not quite finished drinking my coffee yet - but I shall reply 1/2 awakened, lol

Ok, I am 39 yrs old & <span class="ev_code_RED">I AM RECOVERED FR ANXIETY DISORDER!!</span> My anxiety disorder triggered in APR-2005. It came hard & fast. It was triggered after I had surgery for the 1st time. I somehow knew "whatever this thing was" - it wasn't physical. I got home fr hosp on a Sat & 1 wk later - I was in my REGULAR DR'S office - w/ a list of PSYCHIATRIST'S covered under my medical insurance. She made a gen'l diagnosis ANXIETY DISORDER - agreeing I should go see a psychiatrist. Within 1 MORE WEEK - I had an appointment scheduled w/ my psychiatrist. I started THERAPY on 5/3/05. After 3 initial sessions, I was diagnosed w/ the following: ANXIETY DISORDER + PANIC ATTACKS & PTSD FR: the surgery + 9/11(I was there physically) + my childhood. I was in such a SEVERE STATE - I was forced to not be able to work - a shock to me. In order to help me help myself - medication was recommended - I HAD THE FINAL SAY THOUGH: I had never taken a med in my life. However, after a lot of in depth consultation w/ my therapist - I agreed w/ 1 stipulation: "I don't want to be so medicated that I don't feel anything. If I have fears - I want to face & feel them, so I don't have to take these meds all my life". I was prescribed CLONAZAPAM 3x's per day + 2 sleep aids(I had severe sleep deprivation: 1-2 hrs of sleep per 24 hrs - I needed help). These meds DIDN'T MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY - rather, THEY HAMPERED THE BODY SYMPTOMS so I could FOCUS enough on the TOUGH THINGS I needed to work on.

I come fr what is probably considered an extremely traumatic background: abused(a-z: you name it, it happened to me) + molested + abandoned(YOU CAN READ MY PRIOR POSTS). So, b/4 I could even begin to face myself - I had to face my past. All those yrs, prob starting fr age 5, I never really acknowledged or felt anything - I SUPRESSED it all. For me, it was always LIVE & SURVIVE, not THINK & FEEL. Think of it as a <span class="ev_code_RED">volcano & its lava: I had surpressed all the anger/pain/fear/resentment for all these things for yrs - so they built up & up - till the day I had the surgery - MY EMOTIONS EXPLODED = anxiety disorder triggered. You see NIRELANDGUY, there wasn't any more room in my EMOTIONAL STORAGE for anything - like a volcano & its lava, building up & up, till it erupts.</span>

I had never experienced such CUMULATIVE + PARALIZING + LIFE INHIBITING FEAR in my life. To say I was afraid would not even begin to describe what I was feeling. While I attended therapy every week, I started journaling, & research: reading lots of books. Therapy was a key factor in my recovery(equal to LUCINDA'S PROGRAM - for which I will explain in a bit). You see, unbeknownst to me - all my life I was MY PAST - there was no distinction b/w the woman I was & the victim/child I was. Rather, I was the abused, abandoned, etc. I was a ball of all the emotions I had carried, but never felt. I was bitterly resentful - like a PIT BULLS JAW - I wouldn't let go. Via therapy, I was able to make that VERY IMPORTANT SEPARATION - by GOING BACK. <span class="ev_code_RED">Imagine it as an IMAGINARY TIME WARP - taking me back in time & experiencing these events for the 1st time - except FEELING THE EMOTIONS & RELIVING THE EVENTS as though they just happened. We (me & therapist consolidated 20+ yrs of events into 20 MTHS - woooooosh, that is a lot right - yep, it is.</span> That process & all it entailed was the most painful thing I had ever experienced. I had to do it though. Having gone thru those INTENSIVE 20 MTHS OF THERAPY - I made room in my emotional storage for the good stuff.

Obviously there are behavioral ramifications to having experienced what I did. RIGHT, WRONG, OR INDIFFERENT - I created a series of bad learned behaviors over the course of 30+ yrs, starting fr childhood. BLAME BELONGS TO NO ONE - cause fact be told - I WAS A WOMAN NOW & if I wanted to feel better or live better, I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT. Once I unburdened myself w/ the past(having faced it) I was ready to face myself - I BROUGHT LUCINDA'S PROGRAM & STARTED IT IN NOV-2006.

Fortunately, I was mature enough & courageous enough to realize GOSH, I HAVE TO CHANGE - the program showed me that. There were parts of ME - that created this anxiety disorder: the way I think, act, react - week by week, you'd swear LUCINDA KNEW ME PERSONALLY. She was so dead on w/ every single personality trait - it wasn't even funny. I MADE RECOVERY MY PRIORITY - as hard as CHANGING OURSELVES IS - I was WILLING. Week by week I did the lessons - raw & 100% honest w/ myself: I couldn't lie to myself cause I knew the truth. Lucinda said everything I didn't want to hear but all I desparately needed to hear. I completed her program in MARCH-2007.

<span class="ev_code_RED">As of today, I haven't taken a sleep aid for 1 1/2 yrs + & I haven't taken an anxiety med since Dec-2006.</span>

Now LET'S DEFINE RECOVERY LOL: anxiety in & of itself is a HUMAN EMOTION, I can't rid myself of that. Recovery(my personal definition, not CLINICAL definiton) for me means: I am not on any meds any longer, I don't FEAR ANXIETY = "OH NO HERE COME THOSE BODY SYMPTOMS AGAIN"(I don't do that)- I flow w/ it. I view it as an INTERNAL ALARM CLOCK. Kind of like my INTERNAL SELF saying to me(when I experience heightened anxiety) "hey Lenore, you got a minute, I need to talk to you. I have feel some body symptoms + heightened anxiety & stress. Can we work together - lets figure this out, LETS NIP IT IN THE BUD - address & resolve what is going on in our life THAT WE ARE PRODUCING THESE FEELINGS". Recovery for me also means I am NOT AFRAID TO FACE & FEEL & DEAL w/ what I AM THINKING & FEELING - & I ALLOW MYSELF TO FEEL IT: there is no longer AVOIDANCE BEHAVIOR. Recovery also means for me - that I've faced my fears(all that is behind WHY I CREATED THESE SERIES OF BAD LEARNED BEHAVIORS). Finally, recovery means for me THAT I HAVE CHANGED: not all of me. Rather, those parts of me that created the anxiety disorder. I OWNED IT - I took mental & emotional responsibility for ME/MY QUALITY OF LIFE/HOW I FEEL/REACT/ACT/THINK. The more I changed those PART OF ME - the better I felt. I was like a HORSE W/ BLINDERS ON - I was determined w/ this JOURNEY. I wanted RECOVERY & I meant it when I said it - whatever needed to be done, as hard as it may be, I was WILLING to do it = I WAS WILLING TO FACE MY PAST, FACE MYSELF, & FEEL THE PAIN NECESSARY FOR CHANGE TO OCCUR(Scott.Peck - THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED). LUCINDA'S PROGRAM showed me, there were things about me & parts of me, THAT NEEDED TO CHANGE.

You see, NIRELANDGUY, for me it came dwn to this: when I experienced anxiety disorder at its worst - IT WAS HELL ON EARTH. I was living in a constant state of life inhibiting & restricting FEAR. Because of this, I was not able to work & I became TOTALLY DEPENDANT on my husband. <span class="ev_code_RED">My quality of life was beyond poor. I was not happy w/ the quality of life I had & was living + I didn't like the woman I was: I was never a needy/clingy woman - totally dependant on my husband - THAT HURT MY HEART. Having FEAR didn't bother me - we all have it. However, the fact that IT RULED ME - IT RESTRICTED/INHIBITED ME - I didn't like that.</span>THOSE THINGS IN THEIR "TOTALITY" was like a spark lit under my tushy - like a tazor on my tushy. It was the motivator for me. I didn't want to live that way or feel that way ever again. So, I did everything in my power - most importantly, I CHANGED. The more I CHANGED - the better I felt.

IS THE PROGRAM "BRAINWASHING" - maybe, not in the context you are writing. lol, the program helps us to facilitate OUT W/ THE OLD, IN W/ THE NEW = washing our MENTAL & EMOTIONAL SELF. I am just putting a FUN SPIN on it:) You see, @ its core - the PROGRAM'S theories are quite simplistic. So much so, that it may very well seem like COME ON, THIS IS B.S. <span class="ev_code_RED">However, you know how I ALSO KNEW LUCINDA'S PROGRAM WAS RIGHT ON? Remember, long b/4 the program, I read like 16 books - gathering knowledge in bits & pieces, here & there. LUCINDA'S PROGRAM consolidated all those HERE & THERE'S tidbits of knowledge & skills to RECOVER FR ANXIETY DISORDER.</span> She took all I had read, put in all in 1 place, so I was able to FOCUS & CHANGE & DO THE WORK NECESSARY.

NIRELANDGUY - w/o sounding condescending, read some books - get YOUR OWN PROOF. I will GUARANTEE - I will bet you 1 CUP OF CYBER DECAF COFFEE that you will see CBT is the #1 way to recover fr anxiety disorder. There is no QUICK FIX to recovery. Recovery is HARD - DARN HARD, slow, methodical - it takes time & lord have mercy, PATIENCCCCCCCCCE. Recovery takes ALL YOU'VE GOT & THEN SOME MORE. Recovery takes committment, will power, determination, courage, & consistancy. Again, is it easy, no. But the effort it requires, makes the RESULT so darn & sincerely gratifying. NIRELANDGUY - I don't celebrate anxiety disorder or the process it required(therapy was hell) - I am greatful for it. You know why? I am not running any more - I am free: free fr the guilt that the past was my fault, free fr fear of fear/emotions, my quality of life is so much better - a more peaceful existance. See, it was PRIOR TO ANXIETY DISORDER TRIGGERING, that I was living in a STATE OF EXISTANCE that I assumed was ME & MY LIFE(emotions & behaviors) - I didn't know different or better. It wasn't until anxiety disorder forced my hand & I took steps(therapy & the program) that I was able to honestly clearly see WHAT I WAS DOING TO MYSELF - via holding on to the past, feeling guilt, remaining angry, thinking negatively, over reacting, not forgiving= all these things are the obvious reason I WAS NOT FEELING SO GOOD. So, the more I rid myself of these things, the better I felt.

I know the program may not be for everyone. I also know, fr my own very experience, there are also issues that reach beyond the scopes of this program - doesn't mean the program doesn't work - no. It just means THERE ARE THINGS I NEEDED TO WORK ON B/4 I WAS EVEN READY FOR THE PROGRAM.

NIRELANDGUY - whatever decision you make, I want you to experience recovery & feel + live better: whatever way you can attain that. I just recommend, respectfully - GIVE THE PROGRAM A CHANCE. Make it your priority - face it/focus on it w/ everything you've got. Give yourself the gift of recovery & changing yourself.

All the best my friend,

LENORE