Stress Center Peer Support

I've worked the program for a while now, but there is one thing I seem to hiccup on everytime. The feelings! I just have such a hard time dealing with the feelings of anxiety. Even two years later, I am still unsettled by my feelings and they really, still have a big effect on me.

I am disappointed in myself. I feel like I haven't come far enough. I feel like it's my fault that I feel so depressed and anxious at this moment. And everytime I get to this place, I start to worry about things I worried about when I first started the program.

For instance, this morning I was taking a tally list of who I could spend my time with this weekend so I didn't have to be on my own. Having those initial fears come back is just such a disappoinment in and of itself, because I thought I had those beat.

It seems everytime I have a "growth spurt" I always seem to feel like I'm right back at the bottom. I then go to...this is not going to get better. You've tried, and look, here you are again...still scared...still feeling those feelings. Ha ha...you're stuck with this for the rest of your life.

I also feel like I'm not pulling fears out of thin air to justify my feelings. This morning I started worrying that my doctor was going to want to change my medicine again.

The real deal is, I had a rough week last week that led into a very anticipatory episode and now I feel like crap. I find it hard to believe that my doctor would change my meds after a bad week. But, I feel I'm sliding downhill.

I am so hard on myself and I know that. I get angry at the inner me and I blame it for all this hurt and fear.

I'm not saying I don't believe in the program. I just am not believing in myself too much right now. Yet another issue.

And I feel like once I get through one anticipatory wall...I quickly construct another one right behind it. So there is just wall after wall after wall.

And I'm tired.I have gone through some medical issues over the last couple of months and had to have a lot of tests run. My doctor found a goiter on my thyroid, cysts they thought they were going to have to surgically remove and a weird situation at work that has made me uncomfortable. So, while I might have real reasons to have been anxious, I have a hard time telling the difference between normal and abnormal anxiety.

Ok - breathe, sweetie. You're going to be OK. Really. Promise.

Now - you said that you feel like every time you have a growth spurt you feel like you're right back at the bottom...and then you said that you keep constructing wall after anticipatory, anxiety-ridden wall.

Your words made me think of a mountain chain...or to put it in tech-sense...a bar graph. The thing is - when you have that growth spurt, you have gone up to a new level, and so - in a manner of speaking you are at the bottom, but it is the bottom of a higher level than you were before...new challenges...a new kind of wall in front of you. You said "whenever" you have a growth spurt...which indicates that you've had more than one...so you will, most likely have more than one in the future as well...because you are PROGRESSING and GROWING!

So, if you can picture yourself rocketing up on a bar graph (OK - I'm a little weird, I know - LOL) to the next level - that wall you see in front of you is getting you down and discouraging you, but look back behind you...you've come so far...and this wall you see that you have built with anxiety and discouragement is going to level off somewhere above you as well! You will have another growth spurt and get to a new level..and another...and another!

You are doing great. You make good choices, but you have to let go of the fear of change.

After my situation ended (what I was sharing with you on PM), I began to realize that I distracted myself with that to avoid my fear of being alone. I didn't like the uncomfortable feeling and the "not knowing what to do with myself" that came with it. Instead - in the past I would call, text, email someone...often times someone I shouldn't be calling, texting, or emailing! - just to avoid being alone. I had to deal with that fear to be able to get over it. I read (and still do) A LOT in those times of anxiety and depression and fear of being alone!

Luvpiggy has some excellent suggestions for how to treat yourself during those times (she REALLY helped me get through!) and some great books to read - if you are interested in that kind of thing.

Hang in there! You are going to make it! Better days - they's a-comin'!!!

Blessings,
Dawn

Hey girl,
Chin up. You have been through a lot lately and it is perfectly normal for your anxiety to rear its ugly head again. Knowing this is half the battle. Now practice what you know. Use your breathing, divert your attention, and keep in the present. The anxiety alone is enough to drive a person mad, but add health problems and relationship issues to that and you have got the perfect mix for increased anxiety. My girlfriend just went through the iodine treatments for her thyroid and I swear she slept for the entire treatment which was about 3 months long. Don't be so hard on yourself, you are going through a lot. Give yourself permission to have anxiety through this but don't let it take over. Use your skills. And don't give up on yourself, look in the mirror right now and tell yourself that you love you and you will take care of you. You are your own safe place. And we are here if you need us. Take care sweetie! Chin up.

Through all of the events that have happened lately I've just realized how far I have to go. Daunting, as the program was at first, but I guess you do have to go through it to grow.

I am still scared of my emotions and feelings. I would LOVE some advice or a book to read on that. And...my biggest fear of all is dating or relationships. So if anyone has a suggestion for that...please feel free to throw it out as well.

Dawn, would you PM me any books that luvpiggy might have advised to you, or techniques?

Thanks

lilsismj,

I'm sorry you are having a hard time:(. I thought that what Dawn had to say was great:). I love the the bar graph analogy:)! And Dawn, I am so glad that the suggested reading and comforting skills were helpful. You are a smart, articulate, and strong woman who will keep experiencing great success:).

Lilsismj, I do think that you have to factor in the health issues. Thyroid problems can definitely cause a lot of problems with anxiety, depression, etc., and it can take a while to find the right adjustment in medication to help. I know it's hard for you to factor out what is "real" anxiety or not, but the good news is that no matter if it has a physical cause or a psychological cause, the techniques from this program are still beneficial in helping you to calm down and relax. But since you know you have the physical problem, I think it's O.K. to talk to your doctor and make sure you have the right amount of medication. I know I probably don't know what medications are used for goiter problems, but isn't it iodine or something? Definitely look into that and run that by your doctor. Also, the anxiety is not going to kill you even if it is from a goiter, but it doesn't make you feel well, and you want to feel better:)so talking to your doctor will probably help. If the physician thinks your medication is correct, and maybe I'm completely wrong that you need medication so I'm sorry if that's not an issue, then you can focus on the anxiety as having psychological causes. Also, if you are not on medication for your thyroid, you do have to factor that you are reacting physically because of all of the health problems you've had the past few months. Give your body time to adjust, and take care of it. I'll never forget an example of a physical problem causing anxiety in one of my friends. I was really anxious a few years ago and had an extremely traumatic reaction to several stressful life events. I befriended a woman who was never anxious, and never understood my anxiety, and a few times she even made a couple of insensitive comments. She was in her early twenties and had to have a full hysterectomy after her uterus severely prolapsed after laser treatment for endometriosis. I had never witnessed such an extreme change in a personality. She became more anxious than I ever was. The hormonal issues were what caused the change. So, I am not saying that to scare you, I am just saying it to tell you that physical causes CAN play a major role in anxiety. I am not saying that you are going to die from the anxiety and she didn't, she had to get her hormones adjusted, but you are very wise to consider those health issues as being a factor.

Sorry to be so long-winded, but I guess I'll list my recommendations.

1. Run these anxiety symptoms past your doctor and see if your medication is correct for your thyroid and hormones, etc. If it is correct, give your body the rest, excercise, and nutrition that it needs to recover from the recent health traumas.

2. If this is psychological, here are some things about feelings. Feelings are scary for many of us. We have to learn to let ourselves feel, especially if we were raised in abusive homes. I mean, my dad was a very violent man, so I definitely saw anger as a dangerous emotion. Feelings can "feel" dangerous, but when we know how to express ourselves appropriately, they aren't. They can actually build up and become more intense when we don't express them early on in the right situation. That's why assertiveness is so important. If you are assertive you actually don't get as angry, but if you are not assertive you get mad for not standing up for yourself and it just builds up to extreme anger. Also, this program will make you "feel", and we may even feel those emotions more strongly because they have been pent up for years if we felt that it was dangerous to express them. In addition, some of us choose emotions over others. For example, some of us may feel that it is easier to feel anxiety than to feel anger, and so any time we go to get angry, we feel anxious. It can also be the other way around. We choose feelings that we are familiar with over ones that seem foreign. When we choose emotions we are really more comfortable with (I know it doesn't seem like anxiety is comfortable, but it may be the lesser of what we perceive as the evils of feelings), we hinder our healing because we do need to feel the truthful emotion so the only way to ease the anger, anxiety, etc. is to feel the emotion appropriately that exists in our unconcious. I mean, I can see from what you have been through lately, that you may really not be mad at yourself, but at the other person, but you may not feel comfortable expressing anger to others through proper boundaries and assertiveness so you may be choosing the safer option of being angry at yourself. Anxiety is just one of many feelings that we all have, and it is a feeling that we just let pass through us. You are more than your feelings. You are not your anxiety. It's just a feeling that passes through you. You will not get stuck there. Some of us feel anxiety a lot, but none of us only feels anxiety forever. Try to focus on and pay attention to the times when you are feeling other emotions. Right now, you are putting more weight and focus on your anxiety then you are on your accomplishments. It's just a change in focus. This is where the self-talk comes in. Right now, you don't like yourself, and you admit that you are beating yourself up because of anger that you have toward yourself. It's good to be honest about it, make sure that you aren't really angry at someone else, and then seek to change the way you feel about and treat yourself. I've had to focus on God's unconditional love for me, and I believe that is the answer from changing from hate towards ourselves to self-love. It takes time. You will go back and forth for a while, but one day it will sink in, and it will be the most wonderful "feeling" you have ever felt.

Right now, I'm going through a phase where I am recommending books by Henry Cloud. The two books I recommend from him are "Boundaries", and "Changes that Heal". I think Dawn knows your situation better than I do so she may be able to be more specific with those recommendations. The comforting techniques are great for calming down because you are showing unconditional love for yourself. For me these comforting techniques when you are feeling empty are taking a bubble bath, drinking tea, watching my favorite movies, listening to my favorite music, roller skating:)(yes, I love it and I don't care what my neighbors think), buying a new outfit, etc., getting your hair done, etc., just treating yourself really well. You give yourself what you didn't get as a child, and you give yourself what you are wanting someone else to give you:). It's wonderful:).

3. As far as seeing how far you have to go with this program, please don't look at it that way. Many years ago, I went to be a stay at home mom with my son. It was new to me, and every day I would look at what I hadn't done at the end of the day. It was very depressing. Finally, I saw an Oprah show that said to focus on what you've done and not what you haven't done. I know I talked about feelings earlier, but thoughts definitely matter and this program is a cognitive program. This is where you need to change your thinking and focus. Focus on what you've done already:). You've already made accomplishments:).

I hope something that I said helps, and I am not a therapist or anything so I know I got really deep with the psychotherapy so I also recommend a good therapist who gets it:)!

Take care,
luvpiggy

Hi lilsismj.

I hear a lot about what you're going through, and i'm sorry that you're feeling so bad. When you go through these things, are you using POSITIVE SELF TALK? You are going to go through a lot of things before this is over, but you have the tools and you have to use them. You have to tell yourself soothing, positive things to help yourself through them, smoothly. Carry those cards around if you need reminding.

I am disappointed in myself. I feel like I haven't come far enough. I feel like it's my fault that I feel so depressed and anxious at this moment. And everytime I get to this place, I start to worry about things I worried about when I first started the program.

Sounds like you are "shoulding" on yourself? Your first sentence is saying, "I should be farther along in my recovery". That starts a cylce of negative thinking, then you feel depressed, anxious, like it all isn't working at all. Put up the stop sign and stop the initial negative thoughts.

I used to do okay for a while, then one negative thought about what happened in my past would "snowball" downhill until the small initial snowball had become a giant boulder of negative thoughts and I would bring up all my past life failures. And at my age there are a ton of them.

Thyroid problems, hypo or hyper-thyroid may create some of this. But, it sounds like you still haven't stopped the beating up on yourself. We all need to learn to love ourselves unconditionally and accept ourselves and all our behavior good or bad. I didn't say love all our behavior, but accept it as being who we are, so we accept ourselves. That's lesson 3 and it is the hinge lesson. Everything else depends on it. Love you for who you are and accept you for who you are whether you love all your behavior or not. As someone told me several years ago, we have to accept our darkside as well as our better traits. That doesn't mean I excuse my weaknesses, on the contrary I will try and change them. But, in the meantime, until I've changed, I will accept myself and my weaknesses as who I am.