Stress Center Peer Support

I am writing this not really looking for an answer really, but maybe just a conversation. I am struggling with the concept of change. Whether change is possible. Whether change is a good or bad thing. Is everyone capable of change?

Having finished the program and now trying to live my life according to its principles as well as my own, I have come face to face with some hard decisions. I have had to look not only at myself but at others in my life.

Funny really, I thought this program would make me more open and accepting, but it has acutally made me more careful and realistic. One relationship I have struggled with since pretty much day one is my marriage. Not wanting to get into a long drawn out story here, basically, we have had our share of problems. Fighting, yelling, adultery, anger, you name it. But, we have also had wonderful, happy, fun, loving moments.

I am starting to question now which one there has been more of. I am scared of the answer. It has become more like an conscious daily effort on both our parts to not just want to slap the other one. My new found sense of peace is killing him. He is an overreactor, I was too. Now and underreactor, I drive him crazy. He cannot understand this new perspective. I have offered to show him the way so to speak, and he says he wants to know, but then makes no effort on his own to find out.

I find him doing the things that once made me laugh or things that he thinks will make me happy. The problem is, it doesn't effect me any more. I see it has an act, whether it is or not who knows, not as a conscious effort to change.

The question I propose to all of you is, is there a time limit on allowing someone to change? Do we wait 1 year, 6 months, 5 years, until we are 80? Do we "waste" our whole lives waiting for that change and it never comes? How do we know if it will ever come?

Let it go and give it to God I have heard many times. I am trying to do that. I am trying to give up control and just open my eyes to God's plan. I think I see part of the path at this point but wish I knew the outcome. I feel at a crossroads and I need the scarecrow to point which road to take to the Emerald City.

Hi Proudmom,
You are right, we do not have the power to change anyone. They will not change unless they want to and see something in themselves they don't like. As you said, he is trying to do things he used to do but it seems superficial to you. It probably is. Sounds like he doesn't know how to respond to the new you and it could be scary for him to see you more in control and at peace. Good for you, keep doing what you're doing because it is healthy for you. I do think, however, that when we change for the better it can have a positive effect on others. They may want what we've found. That doesn't mean he will change into the person you want him to be, but he may soften and develop better behaviors. Only you can decide how long you will wait to see if things improve. There is no timeframe- it's in your court how long you will wait to see if things get better. I wish you much success in your own growth journey and pray your life will turn out the way you want. With warm wishes, Dinobail.

I am no therapist. What I would like to do is offer you some information that I read in The New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. (I encourage you to read this book and also The Power of Now by him.)

We are in our heads and our true purpose is to be present. The present moment is where you will find your answers. We do that by paying attention to what we are doing in the moment. Even the simplest things, like walking down the hallway. Our main purpose in life is to be present. You won't hear what you need to hear while in thought, and most people are in thought all the time. Practice presence instead. Focus on what you are doing presently - each and every moment. Including communication with your spouse. There is no time frame. You will know what you need to know by staying present. When ego claims you, and it will, as you well know, just bring your attention back to either your breath or to what you are doing presently. Make this your new habit.

Your question is a good one and I wish you well.

Thank you both for your replies. This is a long and winding path for me that has been a constant source of stress, aggravation and disappointment. I am focusing on me right now and my children. I have resolved to let my marriage be what it will be. I am living in the present. It is hard to turn off the past and to not dream of the future. Staying grounded in the here and now is very difficult. The problem I have is I do know the past and I do know the present and neither are places I want to be. There are moments when I feel I am okay with the here and now, but then something inevitably happens that has me back to questioning. How much of me do I have to sacrifice to be happy?