Stress Center Peer Support

This is really embarassing (even in anonymity) but I'm going to talk about it.

Let me first say that I think the root of this problem that I have with intimacy, eye contact, closeness and everything else that comes with it is low self-esteem and just plain ol' not knowing/being comfortable with myself. But does anyone else have this problem with intimacy too? Perfect example would be with your boyfriend or girl friend or husband or wife. When you get in those close situations and you're looking eye to eye... why is that so uncomfortable for me? Or sitting at a table one-on-one across from someone... very awkward for me, even with family and friends sometimes. I looked up the fear of eyes which is Ommetaphobia but I don't think I have that. I don't necessarily have a fear of looking at a physical eye, my fear I guess is that they can see the fear and trouble in me. They say the eyes are the windows to your soul and I've always been one where I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me and I hate when people see that I may need help, ya know?

Anyway, does anyone else deal with this? I definitely believe this is a big contributor to my social awkwardness too. I try to avoid small talk at all cost, it's just awkward for me. I want to get better though. Does anyone have any practical steps that I could take to get over these fears?

I think alot of it is just my mind playing tricks on me too. Sometimes my mind tells me when I look into peoples eyes that "they can see somethings wrong with you" or "they're disappointed with you" or "they see it, they're just being nice and not saying anything" or "you're making them feel uncomfortable"... and I judge all these things by their body language or by their facial expressions. This thing is not cool and it's getting worst. Can anyone help me?!

Hey It's all thoughts, only thoughts. I know Ken from the tapes mentions that he use to repeat that to himself "thoughts, only thoughts." Your thoughts aren't reality. I know that's logical to think but it often doesn't feel that way. I've had many of thoughts that you've had when speaking with people. You really have to have a "who cares" type attitude and remind yourself that just because you think they're thinking these things about you, doesn't mean they actually are. I can assure you they're MOST likely not thinking about you at all, people are far too self centered to be concerned about the way someone else thinks.

I can tell you that this sort of thinking stems from low self esteem. In terms of relationships and being intimate, little by little. I'm in my first serious relationship and it's taken me a while to become more and more comfortable. I didn't expect the world from myself in the first couple of months of dating. I'm SO much more comfortable now. I had issues with eye contact as well, but I allowed myself to grow more comfortable with my boyfriend to the point where I love gazing into his eyes. It's fun and feels really nice to know someone cares about me that much. Be patient with yourself!!

Greetings --

T tend to think as Dr. Claire Weekes believes, that low esteem is the end product of all this. You have low esteem because you are not accomplishing the things you think you should i.e. doing well in settings of closeness. Conversely, when you do, the esteem will improve.

Probably, the underlying cause, as I believe it is also in my case is that in my youth I was programmed to feel less then. I never got parental approval, and was treated as if I was less than a zero. My father never played ball with me, gave me no toys, and had very little to do with me. My mom was too afraid to do anything. Small wonder that I have problems with closeness with the opposite sex where am expected to have a certain level of command of the situation. Conversely, if the woman is not marriageable -- married already, too old too young, has a boyfriend, I can have great conversations. I have the same problems in other social performance situations -- the job for instance.

Nevertheless, both this program and Dr. Weekes emphasize that the the primary cause is probably not too important -- feeling less than -- and that the primary emphasis has to be working on the fears and all the different variables that enhance the resultant secondary fears from the point of view of increasing adrenalin and other body chemicals -- caffeine, stress, expectations, anger, etc.

AbundantLiving
I almost never make eye contact with anyone, even my boyfriend, and I don't know why. I think it is what you said that they can see something is wrong with you. I feel like when I do look someone in the eye they are looking at my every flaw, and judging me. The weird thing is is that I am not shy. I am very much a people person, but I never look people in the eye.

Sometimes during intimacy I just close my eyes, because looking at him makes me feel embarassed and ugly.

Originally posted by P&P:
Hey It's all thoughts, only thoughts. I know Ken from the tapes mentions that he use to repeat that to himself "thoughts, only thoughts." Your thoughts aren't reality. I know that's logical to think but it often doesn't feel that way. I've had many of thoughts that you've had when speaking with people. You really have to have a "who cares" type attitude and remind yourself that just because you think they're thinking these things about you, doesn't mean they actually are. I can assure you they're MOST likely not thinking about you at all, people are far too self centered to be concerned about the way someone else thinks.

I can tell you that this sort of thinking stems from low self esteem. In terms of relationships and being intimate, little by little. I'm in my first serious relationship and it's taken me a while to become more and more comfortable. I didn't expect the world from myself in the first couple of months of dating. I'm SO much more comfortable now. I had issues with eye contact as well, but I allowed myself to grow more comfortable with my boyfriend to the point where I love gazing into his eyes. It's fun and feels really nice to know someone cares about me that much. Be patient with yourself!!

-------

Thanks P&P... sorry it's taken me so long to respond. I don't get to get on here too often.

But you're right, it's only thoughts and it really does stem from low self-esteem. I'm realizing that the mind is very powerful, every action starts by a thought. I never would have dreamed that my intimacy issues would have bloomed to this level. But I'm not going to deal with this for the rest of my life, i'm going to keep putting myself in situation where I'm forced to interact with people until I get comfortable and this leaves me. Thanks again P&P... it's always good to hear success stories.

Originally posted by Worry_wort:
Greetings --

T tend to think as Dr. Claire Weekes believes, that low esteem is the end product of all this. You have low esteem because you are not accomplishing the things you think you should i.e. doing well in settings of closeness. Conversely, when you do, the esteem will improve.

Probably, the underlying cause, as I believe it is also in my case is that in my youth I was programmed to feel less then. I never got parental approval, and was treated as if I was less than a zero. My father never played ball with me, gave me no toys, and had very little to do with me. My mom was too afraid to do anything. Small wonder that I have problems with closeness with the opposite sex where am expected to have a certain level of command of the situation. Conversely, if the woman is not marriageable -- married already, too old too young, has a boyfriend, I can have great conversations. I have the same problems in other social performance situations -- the job for instance.

Nevertheless, both this program and Dr. Weekes emphasize that the the primary cause is probably not too important -- feeling less than -- and that the primary emphasis has to be working on the fears and all the different variables that enhance the resultant secondary fears from the point of view of increasing adrenalin and other body chemicals -- caffeine, stress, expectations, anger, etc.

Thanks Worry wort. It's no coincidence that we deal with the same problems because we pretty much had the same upbringing. My dad wasn't around and never financially supported me. I was the only male in my family (grew up around all women) so I couldn't really relate to them. I was ostracized in conversations with the women in my family - basically shut down when I wanted to talk or express a view. Also they talked badly about men in my presence (they all talked about my dad like a sub-human). So... fast forward to 2008, and here I stand, still feeling like the little boy who was ostracized in a family full of women. But... I'm not bitter and I don't blame them. I think not being bitter and not blaming people is key to a road to recovery. If you focus on the solutions instead of "well if this didn't happen then..." and "it's because of you that I..." then I believe recovery is only an arm stretch away. Yes all the people in my life who contributed to me being like this were dead wrong (if they did it subconsciously or consciously at times) BUT... I forgive them and I don't hold it against them. I just deal with the cards that were dealt to me and try to be the best person I can be. And I've done a really good job so far!

p.s. ...and it's amazing because I always knew, even as a little boy who couldn't really reason, that what was going on was going to effect me tremendously later on in life. I couldn't pin-point it as a child but I KNEW it wasn't right and tried to do what I could to get them to stop.

Originally posted by Anna Burrell:
AbundantLiving
I almost never make eye contact with anyone, even my boyfriend, and I don't know why. I think it is what you said that they can see something is wrong with you. I feel like when I do look someone in the eye they are looking at my every flaw, and judging me. The weird thing is is that I am not shy. I am very much a people person, but I never look people in the eye.

Sometimes during intimacy I just close my eyes, because looking at him makes me feel embarassed and ugly.

Hi Anna, thanks for sharing. I identify with you and you are not alone. This seems like it is a very taboo subject to talk about, even in a community like StressCenter so I applaud you for your bravery in talking about it.

The problem is low self-esteem. The solution is to never give up doing what you need to do to overcome your intimacy problem. Alot of people give in to it and cower out but DON'T DO THAT! The first step to a road to recovery is ADMITTING that you have a problem. You've done that now it's time to work on it and defeat it. Just know that you are beautifully and wonderfully made by God and you are unique from any other human being. You have a Creator who knows every hair of your head and values you more than any riches. You are the apple of His eye. We just have to believe this... and believe me, I'm preaching to the choir LOL! But thank you for sharing. I'm standing with you in this road to recovery. Send me a message anytime and we can talk. A quote that my mom always said is "self perception is 80%" - 20% is the truth! Also a quote from Will Smith "what you think you saw you did not see". Correct me if I'm wrong but I think your problem with eye contact comes from judging the other person or persons facial expressions or trying to read them? I completely understand. So you'd rather not look at them because it throws you off when you see some facial expression (that probably meant nothing) and you start drawing blanks because you're so focused on the person and what they're thinking instead of what you're trying to say. Once again, I completely understand what you're going through. Sometimes it helps when you focus on the space between the person's eyes instead of their eyes. You should try it sometimes. But we'll get through this.

Very hard to talk about but I too have dealt with this.