Stress Center Peer Support

I'm just entering the program and fully committed to changing my life. I have anxiety, anger and depression issues. I'll bing drink when my anxiety pushes me into the corner. My wife seems to be equally in need (anger and anxiety only) and knows she has similar issues. My question is this... what is the best way to say back off while I'm disparately trying to change myself? I have had some progress with the positive thought processes, but keep getting thrown back into major setbacks when she follows me around yelling, etc. I work out of my home and my wife cares for our two sons (one is 4 months old) I need space and have begged for it, but she just will not let me work on my projects without interfering. When I ask her to please allow me to finish and that I will visit with her when done, the yelling begins and I am accused of being both controlling and non sympathetic to anyone's needs.

It's going to be tough, I know... I'm basically asking for a polite way, that comes off as being sincere, to let my wife know to please back off while I'm going through the program. I've offered to look into buying a companion set of work books (if offered) and have encouraged her to begin the course with me.

Any program veterans care to pass along sincere advice on spousal support? thanks so much,

Have you tried simply sitting down with your wife and having a real heart to heart talk with her and letting her know how important this is to you? If you are having trouble with this becoming more of an arguement then maybe you should look to having a counselor of some sort sit with both of you -- maybe a priest, clergy member or rabbi?
Another suggestion is to either try listening to the cd's together at least to start?
Next if I were you I'd really try and not resort to alcohol no matter how bad the anxiety gets - you don't want to add a dependency on alcohol to your other problems.

Hi double b,
What a difficult situation. I can only imagine- and my husband has been pretty supporative (though he doesn't REALLY always understand).

I think Wireman has some really good advice. I also know it's really hard to sit down and have a "reasonable" discussion sometimes. As a woman, other suggestions I might add are first empathizing with you wife like recognizing that she's probably stressed/exhaused with the kids (possibably post-partum [sp?]- but DON'T bring this up unless SHE does!). Maybe point out that you want to get better so you can be a better husband and father?

Also, if you're the "breadwinner" (nice word... c. 1950 anyone?), she might respond positively to the fact you need quiet time to perform your job and earn a living for the family? Another possibility (if your job allows it) is maybe working at the local library. I know I can get FAR more accomplished when I'm away from any distractions.

As for your questions about the companion workbook- yes, I think I did see one for this program someplace...? If you called, I'm sure they could further direct you.

Lastly, I don't know if you're religious or not, but I've found that simply praying for my husband (especially when I DO NOT WANT TO!) has unbelievable results. You and your wife are together for a reason; The Bible says God HATES divorce; He also knows exactly how your wife feels, what her fears are, and what she needs. I have a book called The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian, and I know she's written one called The Power of a Praying Husband. She's not my favorite Christian writer, but the "praying wife" book is good. I really like Max Lucado and Joel Osteen- both easy to relate to and not overly "preachy" (also great websites).

Ultimately, you OWE it to youself to get healthy and feel good again. With God's help, this is not just a possibility but a reality. Without my faith, I would not be where I am today.
You and your family are in my prayers,
fischee

Something specific I've prayed for when my husband and I have been completely at odds is a "softening of both our hearts- usually his ."

Discuss it when you have some time after the kids go to bed. Don
t do it in the heat of the moment when she is upset.

Fischee hit the nail on the head. I completely agree.

Your scenario sounds just like me and my husband. I was the wife that would always "go off".

Also, just remember, when the two of you are in this vicious cycle, it's hard to break it. It's become the habit and way of life to live with these issues and not remedy them. It's what you're both used to.

You've very brave for recognizing the issues and trying to correct them.

Change can be very difficult for people to handle. If you change, it will force her to, because the normal MO is different, and she may be uncomfortable with that.

Your wife sounds like me quite a bit. For a long time, I knew I was different than other people. I couldn't get a grasp on it. I am only now beginning to understand all of this as I go through the program and read what others are struggling with too. I heard the things coming out of my mouth and couldn't believe it. I didn't like how I was acting. It was almost uncontrollable. I took all the things I was feeling about myself and turned them on everyone else. She may be so bottled up that it takes so very little for her to explode.

Go slow with her. She's very touchy right now. Very little means alot.

It sounds like she needs to deal with her anger before anything else. I did an exercise once and had to write down the 10 happiest moments in my life and the 10 saddest. I saw a trend in the saddest and realized I was holding on to a lot of sadness/anger from my childhood.

Can you ask her questions about herself, getting to know her better, loving her more, that she'll respond too positively? When the kids aren't around. Grown up time. Have some in depth conversations that help lead her to some answers about herself. Can you share with her some of your thoughts and feelings about what you're finding out from the program? Don't shove the program at her. If she's not ready, she's not ready. She'll just feel like you're trying to "fix" her (aka something's wrong with her) and resent you.

Can you set up an actual "family schedule" of sorts and explain that you really want time for her and the kids and this way, it'll keep work contained. Take it from a her and the kids stand point and not a work one.

Your story resonates so much with me and my husband, I can't even believe it. Thank you for sharing.

Good luck. You're brave and strong for taking on this endeavor. You can do this. You're stronger than you think. Believe in yourself.

Double b
This is my suggestion to you. I have a very hard time being assertive. You can state things in a way that people respond better to what you have stated. I would go ahead and listen to tape 7 Assertive Behavior I believe. I know they request you do not skip around, and I do agree, but in this circumstance, I think it would do you some good. On the tape, it explains how we should use I messages and not be accusing which helps the person you are communicating with not get defensive. I know when I have a situation coming up that I need to refresh my skills on assertiveness, I listen to this tape over and over to prepare myself. It really has helped me. I hope this has helped in some small way. I do think it would be really
be beneficial for her to complete the program also, but it has to be something she wants to do for herself. I wish you the very best of luck and know you are truly on your journey to recovery. This program is absolutely the BEST.
Your Friend
Angla

I've also heard good things about the praying wife and husband books. I believe you are really supposed to start with the man and woman ones though. I think all the suggestions have been good. I guess the only thing I can really add is with the schedule someone suggested...make sure there are times when she gets to be away from the kids. It's her "job" and we all need a break, and that's the number one complaint from all my gfs with kids. They are your kids too so at least once a week tell her you'll stay home with them so she can run errands or get her hair done. It's not "babysitting" either because it's not considered that when she is home with them. Being honest without raising your voice and being accusatory are the most important.