Dear ANNA,
You are not stuck - your current circumstance may make you feel that way & you may tell yourself that - but you're not. If you want your
independance + self sufficiency + self love/pride + clarity in your thoughts/decisions back, <span class="ev_code_RED">FOCUS ON "YOU" & "YOUR RECOVERY" = make your recovery your #1 priority.</span>
There is no greater
MOTIVATORthan you wanting TO FEEL BETTER than the existence anxiety disorder & depression are creating for you RIGHT NOW, IN THEIR TOTALITY(combined). I say this frequently, Lol "Oprah once said - MOTIVATION COMES FR DOING". In other words, one simply can't sit & wait for it to HAPPEN/APPEAR - no. Rather, motivation comes when, often @ times we feel no "omph" if you will - no "motivation/desire" to DO IT - yet, <span class="ev_code_RED">we do it anyway.</span> It's that singular & defiant act(against anxiety disorder & depression), where the sufferer/afflicted, declares, "I've had enough of you + I want to feel better + I'm not taking it anymore + I am fighting you = I CLAIM ME - MY PERSONAL VICTORY". Is it hard? Yes, it is. However, no harder than living in the EXISTENCE anxiety disorder & depression create for you - that existence is much harder. Lucinda was correct when she said in the PROGRAM, "LIV'G W/ ANXIETY DISORDER & OR DEPRESSION" + taking the JOURNEY to RECOVERY - both will produce anxiety w/o a doubt. However, only 1 will give you personal freedom- that feeling that something has been lifted off your shoulder".
I understand that you are so "conflicted" inside right now. Don't make any RASH decisions now. I would work on YOU & YOUR RECOVERY/FEELING BETTER 1ST - this way, any decision that you do make - are made w/ certainty - not out of sheer emotions driven by the distorted views anxiety disorder & depression create for you.
I am not in your position, relationship wise(re: your BF) - I am married, happily. However, I understand all you mention. I lived on my own 10 yrs b/4 I got married in 1997. I worked FT + went to college @ nite & graduated top of the class. I worked in banking/brokerage on Wall St in NYC. In APR 2005, anxiety disorder triggered after I had surgery for the 1st time in my life. It completely turned my world upside dwn. I could no longer work, as a direct result of the severity of MY CASE OF ANXIETY DISORDER. I became inhibited + restricted + paralized by mind/body numbing FEAR - 24/7, beyond any comprehension I had. In addition, I became totally dependant on my husband & emotionally dependant on ANYONE willing to give me the time of day. I wasn't living, I was EXISTING. I sought immediate help w/ a psychiatrist. I was, after several initial sessions, diagnosed w/: anxiety disorder + panic attacks + PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) fr 3 different things. I was informed by my psychiatrist, in addition to my regular dr(who made generic & initial diagnosis) my case was 1 of the worst they had seen. Out of sheer necessity, after consulting w/ my psychiatrist + reg dr + pharmacist, I went on anxiety med 3x's per day + 2 sleep aids. It couldn't get much worse than it was for me back then. I had never taken any med's b/4, never had a need to - that in & of itself frightened me to how bad off I truly was. <span class="ev_code_RED">I was in the highest state of absolute DESPERATION.</span>
Quite simply, I WANTED TO FEEL BETTER. My "wanting to FEEL BETTER" became the NUCLEUS for all my actions - even when anxiety disorder attempted to ROB ME of my <span class="ev_code_RED">will/desire/ability/energy/clear mindedness</span>Yes, in spite of all the HELL anxiety created for me back then, I did it anyway - again, out of sheer desperation. For the 1st time in my entire life, 37 yrs old @ the time in 2005, I needed to put ME 1ST.
Long b/4 I was even ready for LUCINDA'S PROGRAM, I needed THERAPY 1st. I attended 20mths of very intensive therapy - facing my past/childhood. That was hell on earth- more emotional pain than any words I could use to describe it here. After a little bit, I began to initiate JOURNALING - I needed to get myself to a place where I was comfortable admitting what I was thinking & feeling - then, to FEEL THEM & ANY RESPECTIVE EMOTIONS. I journaled
8, 5 subject notebooks full. I had 30 yrs worth of surpressed anger/pain/fear/deep seeded resentment. I also got CURIOUS - my therapist explained clearly what this new thing was that had befallen me(anxiety disorder). LOL, me being who I am - couldn't just be complacent & take his word ONLY for it. I needed to find out for myself - so, I read a lge amt of books on anxiety disorder. Oh it was funny, I read like 16 books - I got so sick of books on anxiety - I was like a child w/ green veggies, honest & I told my therapist that, lol.
Know what he did? lol, he recommended the 1 book I hadn't read, hahahah - I gave him the look, hahahah. I read it anyways. Anna, knowledge is power - as I would come to find out. When you're recovering, you get so caught up in the process, you can't see the forest fr the trees. The "fear" comes fr: 1) the emotions you don't want to admit you have - then feeling them + 2) of the body symptoms & all physical things anxiety disorder makes you feel: cause, esp in the beginning - you don't know what THIS IS. So, long b/4 I even knew I was doing it, lol - I was doing it, if I make sense. Every session I went to, yep in spite of the bad stuff I felt that came out in sessions, + every single page I journaled + every book I read - it was LENORE - EMPOWERING HERSELF: I was facing & feeling the fear & I was obtaining knowledge about what anxiety disorder was. <span class="ev_code_RED">Think of it this way ANNA: once you admit it, once you feel it - what is there to fear? THen, as a result, anxiety disorder loses its power. Then, in COMBINATION w/ that, if I EDUCATE myself on what anxiety disorder is - getting myself to a place where I KNOW WHAT IT REALLY IS - it can't "DUPE" me anymore - cause then I learn I was in control all along.</span>
After going thru the initial 20mths of therapy - I was ready to FACE & CHANGE MYSELF. That is when I purchased Lucinda's program. I started it in Nov 2006 & completed it the 1st time in March 2007. My priority was ME & FEELING BETTER. I had 2 choices: either I allow the anxiety disorder to envelop me - continually take meds & do nothing or I fight like hell & help myself to the best of my ability. Yes, it was hard - but, what choice did I really have. I didn't like the existence I was living. That was, is, & always will be <span class="ev_code_RED">MY MOTIVATION.</span> I realized I have my character & much more control than I realized. However, I also bare responsibility to myself & how I feel - when it comes to anxiety disorder. I needed to change - what was not FEELING WELL was inside of me. Right/wrong/indifferent it wasn't
hers/him/they/them/theirresponsibility + blame + fault. Blame belongs to noone. If I wanted to feel better - then it was I who needed to do the work necessary. If I wanted my independance - I then needed to sever my
cypling emotional dependance I had ON EVERYONE . That would come as a result of me doing for me, by me.
I too know how lonely the existence is w/ recovery & anxiety disorder. I was home for 3 1/2 yrs recovering. Everyone I knew = hubby + our family - in laws + friends, etc ALL WORKED. They had jobs + spouses + children + homes + activities to tend to. Oh sure, in the beginning I didn't understand this. To be frank, I got really pissed off about it. "why am I here home alone - going thru this all - where is everybody - why is nobody here for me" - I said it all & yes, a few times, I argued w/ God about it - cried too. I would learn the ans to WHY to all those questions.
Having successfully recovered fr anxiety disorder - in March 2007, I was diagnosed w/ depress for the 1st time in my life - boy, fr 1 thing to the next, lol. I never had depress b/4 - & the level I had it was horrible. I had graduated fr therapy having successfully recovered fr anxiety disorder & off all anxiety meds & sleep aids. When this depress thing kicked in - I took my behind right back to therapy. After consultation, I agreed to go on a med for it. Simultaneously, addressing the WHY'S BEHIND MY DEPRESSION(that was the 1 stipulation I had in agreeing to take a med). Remember, I was home - alone majority of the time + depressed & on med for it + majority of the people I know/love/hold dear/my INNER CIRCLE - were not around. I was very lonely. That just fueled my resentment. I cried, got mad, & I had many discussions w/ God. 1 common discussion w/ him, I wanted to know "why am I going thru this & having to do it alone? where are my friends & our family? How come people aren't calling me concerned daily to see how I am?" I asked ALL THEM QUESTIONS & MORE. Trust you me, God was in heaven taking SOME SERIOUS "ADVIL" fr me, lol lol
I was feeling all these thing + having to work through/resolve all these diff things + had these issues I needed to work on + things in my life I didn't like - yet wasn't certain WHAT TO DO. Needless to say, I was a tad overwhelmed. I felt "un-loved" - silly, cause I was very much loved by many.
I had an "A-HA" MOMENT - where the lightbulb went off for me - that ans'd those questions & made it all make sense for me. For yrs, up & until when anxiety disorder triggered, I was the sum total of the events I had gone thru in childhood/teenage yrs/20-22 yrs old. I wasn't the woman Lenore - rather I was the VICTIM - I was living as THE PAST - just in present times. Every single thing I did & said, stemmed back to then. I didn't know I was doing it, yet I was. I was a ball of mangled emotional pain & didn't realize just how much so. I know I was always feeling this something & it wasn't right - I didn't know what or how to resolve it - I didn't know there WAS A WAY. That, in part, fueled my <span class="ev_code_RED">emotional dependance on everyone outside of myself.</span>
Next, because I had un-resolved abandonment issues - that just cemented my emotional dependance on folks. It wasn't that it wasn't "ok" for me to seek or need help. Rather, I assumed it majority of the time - long b/4 if ever, I turned to myself. That was the problem. In addition, how ever tragic my experiences were in yrs gone by - no matter what variety of ways I told the story - there would be no one who could HEAL IT for me. What needed to heal, was inside of me. I had spent so many yrs surpressing these emotions - they just built up - til there was no longer any more room in my emotional storage. Then, as a result of my having done those things - I created a series of bad/negative learned behaviors. In other words, it became A WAY OF LIFE FOR ME = A STATE OF BEING - FAMILIAR & COMFORTABLE, as unhealthy as it was to me & as bad as it made me feel.
That is why I was home alone for 3 1/2 yrs.
You see ANNA, by being home & YES, ALONE - I had what I never had b/4 - TIME - the chance to heal & face all I needed to. I had been on my own in my senior yr of high school - there was no such thing then as having a CHOICE - I needed a job & secure an apt. My being home GAVE ME THE OPPORTUNITY I longed for, but didn't have. My being home for those 3 1/2 yrs - I had no where to run/hide/distract myself fr or with. The circumstance in itself, being home & alone majority of the time, forced me to face my past + myself + heal + grow + change + forgive + let go + move on - live my life as I THE WOMAN - ADULT LENORE chooses, however she chooses. I don't doubt for ONE SINGLE SECOND - if I was given the choice
BEFORE HAND, whether or not to go on this JOURNEY(1 that was yrs over due) - I wouldn't have taken it. Anxiety disorder simply forced my hand - it let me know "LENORE, ITS TIME". If everyone I love & hold dear were around - too frequently, I would never have looked inside myself - I would have continued to facilitate the emotional dependance that was familiar to me = I would have sought the answers fr friends, our family, etc. Me being home alone, taught me to turn to me + trust me + learn to depend on me. No, not all the time. I simply learned to go to myself FIRST. Sure, the emotional pain was so bad, often @ times, I cried to my hubby in desperation for help - for him to help me make it go away. I even remember me coming home fr 1 session on a Fri nite(in 2005) - I ran to the bedroom - got on the bed, laid in a fetal position, crying & shaking - cause I felt I couldn't do it - I needed it to go away. There was my hubby, laying there right besides me - crying & frightened. Not only did he not live or have the background I did - he couldn't make it go AWAY FOR ME. There may have been events of the past out of my control - for which I didn't have a choice/say fr. My being home for those 3 1/2 yrs - gave me that opportunity to unburden myself - to free myself - to heal. As a result of those 3 1/2 yrs, spent majority of the time(not totally though) away fr our family & friends,
I was able to heal/grow/change/evolve/unburnden myself - do all the things I needed to do, that TIME ALONE afforded me.Oh sure, I didn't like it- it was like that ICKY cough medicine you needed to take when you were a kid & made that squishy YUCK look on your face, lol. I may not have like it - but IT WAS what was BEST FOR ME. I wasn't alone in life - I just simply had a sm span of time - that required I be alone so I could heal/recover/FEEL BETTER. It was my FOREVER - I am very much loved. Another cool thing that came fr that time alone was this: I was mad I was having to got thru this all & alone at that. I often asked where everyone was - as thought their lives should be put on hold for the daily maintainance of ME, hahah. Really & honest. I was desperately emotionally dependant on people - I had such distorted expectations of those I held close to me - that it impaired my judgement on their roles in my life. AGain, spending time alone showed me that. <span class="ev_code_RED">I am responsible for me. I am responsible for my own happiness. No, not my husband, our family, or friends either. ME!</span> How on earth could I ever expect anyone to put their lives on hold - calling me 24/7(not literally - figuratively) while I recover?
This was my journey to take. No, I wasn't above NEEDING LOVE/SUPPORT/COMFORT - what I'm referring to is way beyond that - I am talking about the EMOTIONAL DEPENDANCE = me assuming you/he/her/they/them had MY ANS'S & COULD MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. Me having to be alone quite simply fostered a much healthier & realistic level of expectations of people. I learned a healthy BALANCE = me reaching out & me knowing I could or needed to do FOR MYSELF, BY MYSELF. That was frightening to me.
When you take this JOURNEY - so many things come to your attn(issues/problems/decisions that need to be made, yet were put off, etc) - its like the PANDORA'S BOX to your soul & spirit are opened - brought to the forefront - to your attn. Then, combine that w/ the uncertainty + insecurity + low self esteem + self doubt created fr anxiety disorder & depression - you feel like you're on an EMOTIONAL TREADMILL - moving & moving, yet not technically getting anywhere.
It's almost like a mix of fact & fiction. By that I mean, all which was surpressed by you emotionally & the FALSEHOODS created by anxiety disorder & depress. This can create self doubt/uncertainty. By you, the anxiety disorder/depression sufferer, working on you - you create the degree of separation needed. You clear the fog away - so that you can see clearly. You feel/heal/resolve what is inside of you - so that you can THEN make the choices/decisions you need to WITH CLARITY - based on what ANNA wants to - that will ENHANCE YOUR QUALITY OF LIFE. It can all seem daunting & frightening. Be patient w/ yourself & give yourself time - it will come to you. That is why Lucinda recommends in the program TO NOT MAKE ANY BIG DECISIONS WHILE GOING THRU THE PROGRAM - so that you learn fact fr the fiction anxiety disorder creates - so you make an honest "what anna truly wants" DECISION, not 1 fueled souly out of the false/negative emotions anxiety disorder & depression create. Remember ANNA - this IS YOUR LIFE - you DO get to choose how you want to live it & WHOM you choose to partake in it. Take the time to heal & recover - when you do, your self security will go WAYYYYYYYYYY UP^^^^^ - then, you can & will make any decisions you need to or want to.
LENORE