I am feeling backed into a corner (advice please)
One of my best friends came into town for Thanksgiving this week. We went out the other night and I ended up sleeping at his parent's house. The next morning, I woke up around 8am and find his mother awake. We start chatting about this and that and she proceeds to invite me for Thanksgiving Dinner that night. About 15-20 people were expected at their house, all family and I felt extremely uncomfortable about it. I really had no desire to attend and respectfully declined. She also informed me about another Thanksgiving get together and urged me to attend that one. It was very difficult to say no and let it be to this woman because everytime I wouild say no, she would put on this massive guilt trip. The honest truth is I don't care to join a bunch of people I don't know to celebrate Thanksgiving dinner. My wife flew home and I intentionallly didn't go because I have been struggling with anxiety/depression and wanted some alone time this week. I was really looking forward to alone time this week. It turns out that I am not going to get this alone time because of this family. I don't want to burn bridges with people, but I am kinda pissed and annoyed that people won't just accept "no". No is a good enough reason like Lucinda says. I am typing this at 4am on Thanksgiving day because I woke out of a dead sleep due to my anxiety. If I wanted to be in a celebratory mood, I would have joined my wife and her family. Now I have this massive anxiety attack over being invited to some random home and a bunch of strangers that I don't care to meet. Thing is I have been making positive strides with this disorder. I have been facing fears like talking to strangers. just yesterday I struck up a conversation with two random people at a golf course my buddy and I played. I went up to these people. I started the conversation. I stayed over at my friend's house longer than I really wanted to to work on my anxiety. I felt very uncomfortable the whole time too. I am now feeling resentlful towards this woman because I don't need to explain myself or be cohersed into going somewhere when I don't want to go.
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Guest
I would suggest you say no to this family it seems you ended up saying yes to go to. You don´t need to explain to them why you´re saying no. The reason you don´t want to celebrate with this family isn´t because of your anxiety, fear or anything like that. You just don´t want to go, you want to have some alone time, and that is good because it would have been completely different if you didn´t want to go because of anxiety.
Say NO, take yourself and your needs seriously. It is SOO important!!
Say NO, take yourself and your needs seriously. It is SOO important!!
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Guest
Thanks for the reply. I pondered what you said and there are two reasons for me not wanting to go. One is my wife and I made an agreement that I was not going to join her and her family for Thanksgiving and she was very understanding. There was no pressure or guilt. Now why would I go to someone's house that I have never been to to celebrat when I didn't go to my inlaws house? Think about how that makes me look to my inlaws. "Oh, I'm not goingto show at your place because I wanted to be alone this year, but I am going to show up to another Thanksgiving party with people I never met". I am more concerned about my own family frankly, than what a bunch of strangers think of me. The second reason is I do have anxiety and depression. I am going through recovery right now. You can't tell a recovering alchoholic to have a drink because its the holidays. It would totally sabotage this person's recovery process. I see this as a similiar situation because I have basically been manipulated to do something I don't want to do intentionally or not. I know peope want to be nice and think that because I am home alone, I am somehow miserable and wishing I had an invite somewhere, but honestly I am glad i am not going anywhere this year. Holidays are a pain in the neck. Everyone puts on this front. You have fake conversations that you can practically recite because you have said the same things so many times. I don't want to go sit in someone's house who I never met before and be uncomfortable for 2-3 hours and have fake conversations for a free meal. I have plenty of food in my house right now.
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Guest
I was going through something somewhat similar recently, but not completely. Basically, I decided to totally boycott my MIL's get together this year because our relationship is strained and I have had a rough year this year and I wanted to keep my stress level down. Everytime I know I am going to be around the woman, I get panic attacks. My husband was understanding and told me to do what I wanted to do. Of course, in my mind, I am thinking that my not being there will ruffle her and my sibling in-laws's feathers. I might make an already difficult situation worse, especially since I planned to attend my FIL's festivities (I would rather be in an environment that is warm and loving, not manipulative and judgemental -- I always feel I can't be myself around that woman because she is judging me) so I would be choosing him over her, something she would die over if her own kids did that.
Oddly, though, recently, I was watching a TV show and one of the characters said to another, "You are an adult now and shouldn't care what your family thinks." I thought about that, and I said to myself, "Self, that's true." I am an adult, I have to make decisions in my life that are good for ME, not anyone else. If this is something I need to do, whether it be temporary or a permanent situation, I have that freedom as a grown up to make that choice. If everyone wants to get pissed off at me because I am not bowing down and catering to this woman, well, so what? I want to enjoy the holidays, I DESERVE to enjoy the holidays, and I know I can't celebrating them with her. Now, one may say I am being purely selfish, childish, whatever, but I am so tired of always putting others before myself. I think that is one reason I have my anxieties because I do that. For awhile I would be beating myself up for this decision, questioning back and forth whether it was the right one or not. I am not wanting to hurt anyone, but being around this person hurts me. My husband just kept telling me to do what I wanted to do. She just sucks the joy out of the holiday season because she wants to make sure it is about her. I can't do that anymore. I made my choice, and I planned to stick to it this year. I am just going to have to do this until I get completely better, and if I am selfish, so be it.
The only thing is, things haven't worked as planned for me. My daughter has been pretty sick for over a week now and now my anxieties are on her. I am worried, even though the doctor says it is just a virus. So, basically, she and I won't be going anywhere today anyway, which should be a relief, but my anxiety is back and I have weird symptoms mainly in my head when I use my eyes a lot and I just want things in my world to be fine again -- especially with my little girl.
The moral to my story is don't go. You are an adult and you don't have to please everybody. If your wife is fine with you staying home, I think that says a lot about her. She is very understanding. Let this other woman manipulate you all she wants (like my MIL), I think you are the bigger person for not giving in to it (besides, giving in to people like that only lets them know it's ok to treat you like that, and they will continue doing so -- that's why they continue to do it because everyone else gives in to it. I can't anymore). This life is yours and you must do what is right for you and what fits it. Not everyone understands what we need or what we go through, my hubby doesn't most of the time, but that's ok. Lucinda is right -- No is all they need. What you need is some time alone, take it. Get to feeling better. I hope I have helped to a certain degree. I look forward to knowing what you finally did today and how you feel about your decision. Hugs, Wiskers ~
Oddly, though, recently, I was watching a TV show and one of the characters said to another, "You are an adult now and shouldn't care what your family thinks." I thought about that, and I said to myself, "Self, that's true." I am an adult, I have to make decisions in my life that are good for ME, not anyone else. If this is something I need to do, whether it be temporary or a permanent situation, I have that freedom as a grown up to make that choice. If everyone wants to get pissed off at me because I am not bowing down and catering to this woman, well, so what? I want to enjoy the holidays, I DESERVE to enjoy the holidays, and I know I can't celebrating them with her. Now, one may say I am being purely selfish, childish, whatever, but I am so tired of always putting others before myself. I think that is one reason I have my anxieties because I do that. For awhile I would be beating myself up for this decision, questioning back and forth whether it was the right one or not. I am not wanting to hurt anyone, but being around this person hurts me. My husband just kept telling me to do what I wanted to do. She just sucks the joy out of the holiday season because she wants to make sure it is about her. I can't do that anymore. I made my choice, and I planned to stick to it this year. I am just going to have to do this until I get completely better, and if I am selfish, so be it.
The only thing is, things haven't worked as planned for me. My daughter has been pretty sick for over a week now and now my anxieties are on her. I am worried, even though the doctor says it is just a virus. So, basically, she and I won't be going anywhere today anyway, which should be a relief, but my anxiety is back and I have weird symptoms mainly in my head when I use my eyes a lot and I just want things in my world to be fine again -- especially with my little girl.
The moral to my story is don't go. You are an adult and you don't have to please everybody. If your wife is fine with you staying home, I think that says a lot about her. She is very understanding. Let this other woman manipulate you all she wants (like my MIL), I think you are the bigger person for not giving in to it (besides, giving in to people like that only lets them know it's ok to treat you like that, and they will continue doing so -- that's why they continue to do it because everyone else gives in to it. I can't anymore). This life is yours and you must do what is right for you and what fits it. Not everyone understands what we need or what we go through, my hubby doesn't most of the time, but that's ok. Lucinda is right -- No is all they need. What you need is some time alone, take it. Get to feeling better. I hope I have helped to a certain degree. I look forward to knowing what you finally did today and how you feel about your decision. Hugs, Wiskers ~
Hey brother,
I know how you feel about alone time, and you're right: most people won't understand why you would rather be alone. I used to get pissed off at how they would judge me or lay on the guilt. I would just want to shout: Why is it such a big deal!? But yelling would make it worse, so I kept it inside...until later, when I would give my wife an earful.
I still feel anxiety at these events, but my expectations are different. I know they're all going to say the same things and tell the same stories, but it doesn't matter. I go because I love them and I no longer care what they think about me. That's freedom, my friend. If I step away for some alone-time, I feel absolutely no guilt. But the time we do spend together is better because I'm not thinking too much about what they think of me - I'm just trying be a positive, loving influence in their lives.
You're doing a great job of getting out there and facing difficult situations. Take the day off, if you need to, and make sure to do something productive and fulfilling. I've taken days off from family that end up proving that I wish I hadn't. Don't beat yourself up either way. Learn from everything, and move forward into more and more freedom.
Happy Thanksgiving, my friend.
I know how you feel about alone time, and you're right: most people won't understand why you would rather be alone. I used to get pissed off at how they would judge me or lay on the guilt. I would just want to shout: Why is it such a big deal!? But yelling would make it worse, so I kept it inside...until later, when I would give my wife an earful.
I still feel anxiety at these events, but my expectations are different. I know they're all going to say the same things and tell the same stories, but it doesn't matter. I go because I love them and I no longer care what they think about me. That's freedom, my friend. If I step away for some alone-time, I feel absolutely no guilt. But the time we do spend together is better because I'm not thinking too much about what they think of me - I'm just trying be a positive, loving influence in their lives.
You're doing a great job of getting out there and facing difficult situations. Take the day off, if you need to, and make sure to do something productive and fulfilling. I've taken days off from family that end up proving that I wish I hadn't. Don't beat yourself up either way. Learn from everything, and move forward into more and more freedom.
Happy Thanksgiving, my friend.
"If you want it, you got it... you just have to believe....believe in yourself" Lenny Kravitz
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Guest
I have had some time to ponder this incident and now realize how silly it all is. I am fretting over a lady I have met 2 times and a family whom i have never met. That is retarded. I am friends with her son, not them. I would have never been invited to this event had it not been for us getting drunk Tuesady night and me crashing at his parent's place. This whole thign is just ridiculous and I have not been able to sleep due to thinking about how I am going to get by this without burning bridges. I like people and I enjoy socializing, but I am also a person that really likes alone time. I was perfectly content with being alone this one holiday. I mean jeez, I have been going to holiday events at people's houses for years. I have put on the fake face and had fake conversations. We all have. I don't want to spend three hours at someone's house and be very uncomfortable just to impress or please people. I have been living in this town for three and a half years and not once has my path crossed with this woman's. Not once has she contacted me for anything. She knows I am good friends with her son so why is she now so concerned about me being included in this family function? I chose to stay home this year for personal reasons. I chose to forego spending time with my inlaws and I feel really bad for even considering going somewhere else when I never committed to my own family. It just doesn't feel right to me to even do this. It would be a total insult to my wife's family.