Stress Center Peer Support

I am now 40 years old and people tell me that I am just now starting to live. I feel that I have wasted half of my life to anxiety and depression and cannot make up for it. I feel like I have robbed my children of a mother. They think I am a cool mother but an unhappy mother and I don't want them to think of me this way when they are out on their own and have their own families.
Writing this message is making me cry and listening to Lucinda at the same time. I am scared of being happy? I am afraid of mistepping and getting dragged backwards. I am so scared. I get scared of having happy moments or lucid moments of a happy feeling. Because then they go away as fast as they come. This morning is no exception. I am going back to school and will get my business degree in the Spring and had an idea for a business that I would love to start. Then that feeling went away and gloom came over and the idea was stupid---I could never put the right time and elbow greece into starting it and making it work....I am also just now grieving the sadness of losing my mother in Feb of 2007. She was my support in the past for picking me up and getting me going. She was my savior after going through a bout of major depression that had a bad outcome. She got me through it. Now I don't have her and don't know what to do. Most people aske if my husband is supportive. I am sorry, I love him with my life, but he will never understand and he himself makes me anxious when he is around. Even my children don't like being around him, because he is so black/white. I need to go, class begins soon.

Christina,
Hugs to you.
OK, since you're listening to Lucinda, I'm assuming you have the program,(???)so now make it a priority to complete it and live it.
Let the program guide you. Absorb it, work it and enjoy it.

Before completing this program, panic attacks, anxiety and depression controlled a great deal of my life for many years. Now, -----

I believe in ME! --

There's a Hallmark card written by Bobbie Burrow that I'd like to share with you. This program, and all the work I put into it enabled me to really appreciate and believe in these words, directed to myself.

"I believe in you...
in the things that are important to you
and in the way you chose
to live your life...
I believe that you can accomplish
anything you set out to do, that you have many talents
and the wisdom to use them well...
I believe that you have what it takes
to overcome obstacles
and to grow from every experience
life brings your way...
I believe in your courage,
your compassion,
your integrity,
and your strength,
I believe
in your goodness...
I believe in you."

In the past, it was easy to send this same type of card to others, -
now I can read it to me, for me. Awesome.

ALLOW yourself to heal, to become stronger, more confident and more content. Give yourself the opportunity to enjoy all the good moments. You deserve it.
Now learn to believe this.
You CAN do it. You know what to do. Do it.
If you're unsure at times, no big deal. You'll get there. ALLOW YOURSELF TO GET THERE!

God bless and hugs to you.

I keyed right in on the loss of your mother. I lost my father last summer, and lost my mother in March. I lost my best friend (a working ranch pet), last month. Losses and the grief that follows can keep us stuck sometimes. Those of us working this program already tend to live in a black and white zone of thinking (one of our primary personality traits). So, a spouse with that problem certainly isn't going to help. Please do give this program a chance. It will slip good stuff into your days before you realize it, if you really work it as if this were one of your classes. Determine to do it. There is a very nice place on the other side of the depression. I am getting there. It feels fantastic, and the changes are in my thinking, and my coping, and my tool box to fix what's broken. Do it for you. Do it for your kids.

I am so sorry about your mother. My deepest sympathies. Moms often are our support systems, I know mine is. Although I still have my mom, so I cannot say I know what you are going through, but I do know what it is like to not have that support system any longer. My mother has always been my sounding board and since she took ill over ten years ago, I have not had that same support from her. As her illnesses progress, I know it is a matter of time before I will not have her at all anymore. I cherish every moment I do get now and am preparing myself for the future.

I, like you, would look to my husband next for support. Unfortunately, I, like you, have a husband who is a black and white, right or wrong kind of thinker. It is his way or the highway......... or so I thought. When I started therapy and learned to speak up for myself and to communicate my needs and amazing thing happened that I never expected, he listened.

He was one that always believed depression is in your head, which it is, but he meant I could stop acting that way if I wanted to. He didn't believe in the chemical imbalance theories, or the hereditary nature etc. (My mom is clinically depressed and has suffered from anxiety and OCD). It was not until I sought help for myself despite what he thought that he realized he was wrong. The difference he saw in me once on was on medication and seeing a therapist was tremendous. We both cried over wishing I had done it sooner. It would have saved our family so much hurt.

But, here we are. I am working the program, I am seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist who controls my medication and I am proud to say I am down to 1 medication from 3 only a few months ago.

You can do it too. Take that first step to get help for yourself despite all the nay sayers. You must get right with yourself, before you can get right with anyonelse. I still have off days, but now I recover in 24 hours instead of years! Don't worry about your kids, they will love "mom" no matter what. I do agree you don't want to show them a negative mom, it will effect them as my mom did me. But, what you can show them is a mom who is willing to change, a mom who is strong, who is confident and who works for what she wants. It is never too late.

If I can be of any help to you along this journey, I am here. Good luck to you.

Amen to that!!!and the other posts. I'd like to add that I am just 50 and have lived a life filled with half depression and then anxiety and the other half happiness. You still have your kids (I lost mine in many ways) when I ran from my husband. One of the major things we think of all the time is what will people think of me. I lived that all the time. My parents disowned me and relationships were difficult after that.
40 is a good age and you will feel better. I've learned how fleeting our emotions can be and we have to try and separate the facts from the feelings. You sound like you are doing ok with you family because they love you. Work from there and stick with your plan of a business. You have the brains to go to school, you can do it. Your husband sounds like many men who basically see black and white. Try not to hold it against him like I did my husband. Allow him to be him. Stay with the program and re-learn yourself and how to live. 40 is a good year
Your still young and can make a major impact on your family by learning the program and taking it day by day. You are respected more than you realize I think. I left my husband thinking he was holding me back. In doing so I left a big hole in my family and everything fell through. I was majorly important and didn't know it.
All you need to do is take it one day at a time. You are loved by your family and you have a life worth putting new and good things into it (like this program) Hang in there Dear, wonderful things are in your life, you just don't see it as clearly when your overwhelmed with the issues that drove you to get the program. It will help you through and so will your on line buddies. God bless!!