High Expectations
I am currently in my second week of week four or expectations. I've been told I expect too much of people, but haven't really accepted it. I was blown away by the workbook test in week 4 and scored in the highest category. I realize I'm setting myself up by expecting so much from people but saw that as a positive. I've always thought I "keep it real" by being honest and fair in my relationships and expecting the same from my friends. I've found that most of the time I end up getting deeply hurt because very few friends measure up. I do have some wonderful friends, some for many years, so know I'm not a complete perfectionist. The problem is I'm the one who gets nailed when someone I thought was a good friend violates our friendship in some way. If they are able to apologize sincerely, I can forgive and forget. What I can't do is let things go if they are unwilling to ask for forgiveness. I stew and fret and drive myself crazy trying to understand why they did what they did and act like they don't want to set things right. Am wondering if anyone else feels this way or has any thoughts?
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Guest
Hi Caregiver,
I know exactly what you are talking about. I have been hurt so deeply by my brother and his girlfriend in the last 5 years and not only have they not apologized, but I was told by my brother that because his girlfriend and I will "never see eye to eye again" that he can no longer have anything to do with me and he doesn't. And the kicker is, I was primary caregiver for our mother who had Alzheimer's Disease and it got to the point that all they did was criticize,bully and try to boss me where our mother was concerned. I was so stressed out that I finally and in a calm voice, let my brother's girlfriend know that I would take no more of her bullying and reminded her that I was my mother's daughter, NOT HER. Well, she went to my brother and told him a bunch of out and out lies which of course, he believed and things haven't been the same since. I am not included in any holidays or birthday celebrations with my 2 brothers and their families. All of this has hurt me for a long long time because my family has always been extremely close But no more. It's taken me a long time to accept it, but I doubt things will ever change.
We are such sensitive,caring people that we are easily and deeply hurt by others, and we expect them to do as we would do-apologize immediately and profusely for any wrongdoing. And I think our wrongdoings are, more often than notvery minor because we are so sensitive to other's feelings. What we might perceive as a transgression toward someone we care about may very well be something they haven't given a second thought to and that is probably the case when they do something to us that hurts us.
I think as we build our self esteem and learn to become assertive we will be able to get past these things that others do that hurt us so deeply and we won't be bothered or hurt by them. that will be great, won't it?
I know exactly what you are talking about. I have been hurt so deeply by my brother and his girlfriend in the last 5 years and not only have they not apologized, but I was told by my brother that because his girlfriend and I will "never see eye to eye again" that he can no longer have anything to do with me and he doesn't. And the kicker is, I was primary caregiver for our mother who had Alzheimer's Disease and it got to the point that all they did was criticize,bully and try to boss me where our mother was concerned. I was so stressed out that I finally and in a calm voice, let my brother's girlfriend know that I would take no more of her bullying and reminded her that I was my mother's daughter, NOT HER. Well, she went to my brother and told him a bunch of out and out lies which of course, he believed and things haven't been the same since. I am not included in any holidays or birthday celebrations with my 2 brothers and their families. All of this has hurt me for a long long time because my family has always been extremely close But no more. It's taken me a long time to accept it, but I doubt things will ever change.
We are such sensitive,caring people that we are easily and deeply hurt by others, and we expect them to do as we would do-apologize immediately and profusely for any wrongdoing. And I think our wrongdoings are, more often than notvery minor because we are so sensitive to other's feelings. What we might perceive as a transgression toward someone we care about may very well be something they haven't given a second thought to and that is probably the case when they do something to us that hurts us.
I think as we build our self esteem and learn to become assertive we will be able to get past these things that others do that hurt us so deeply and we won't be bothered or hurt by them. that will be great, won't it?
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Mello Nello
- Posts: 299
- Joined: Thu Feb 17, 2005 2:00 am
GaleD,
Thanks for the response. I agree that often we probably apologize needlessly because no one even registers what we think we've done wrong. I am practicing so hard this week trying not to have any expectations of anyone. It's interesting and has definitely taken a load off my shoulders to a degree. Ah, but it takes so much effort! I guess practice is the key? I'll keep at it but I feel a bit like a cop out. It's like I'm just excusing people for bad behavior and yet--who am I to be the behavior police? I can only hold them accountable for what they do to me, but then I'm the one who ends up miserable when they don't accept accountability for what they do. I think I'm beginning to understand... thanks again!
Thanks for the response. I agree that often we probably apologize needlessly because no one even registers what we think we've done wrong. I am practicing so hard this week trying not to have any expectations of anyone. It's interesting and has definitely taken a load off my shoulders to a degree. Ah, but it takes so much effort! I guess practice is the key? I'll keep at it but I feel a bit like a cop out. It's like I'm just excusing people for bad behavior and yet--who am I to be the behavior police? I can only hold them accountable for what they do to me, but then I'm the one who ends up miserable when they don't accept accountability for what they do. I think I'm beginning to understand... thanks again!
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Guest
Hi Caregiver,
You are more than welcome. You're right- we are trying to hold others to the sky-high standards we have for ourselves. We have to learn to let people be who they are even if it isn't the way WE want them to be. and in the process, we need to lighten up on ourselves a lot! We will get there, and yes it's going to take LOTS of practice but we will do it!!! Take care and feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk more about this or anything else. Oh and thanks for "listening" to my story about my family. It helps to talk about it sometimes and my point was, you can't make people behave as you or I think they "should" and sometimes you will be treated unfairly and you'll never get an apology. It's then that you just have to pick yourself up, and move on because nothing you do Is going to change things. It was a major life lesson for me and I'm still coming to terms with it.
Well take care and God bless!
Gale
You are more than welcome. You're right- we are trying to hold others to the sky-high standards we have for ourselves. We have to learn to let people be who they are even if it isn't the way WE want them to be. and in the process, we need to lighten up on ourselves a lot! We will get there, and yes it's going to take LOTS of practice but we will do it!!! Take care and feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk more about this or anything else. Oh and thanks for "listening" to my story about my family. It helps to talk about it sometimes and my point was, you can't make people behave as you or I think they "should" and sometimes you will be treated unfairly and you'll never get an apology. It's then that you just have to pick yourself up, and move on because nothing you do Is going to change things. It was a major life lesson for me and I'm still coming to terms with it.
Well take care and God bless!
Gale