Stress Center Peer Support

I'm 19, agoraphobic and have horrible self esteem. Despite going through the program (this is my second time, i'm on week 8), I still don't believe in myself or my abilities to overcome my anxieties. I still rely on others to help build me up especially before something challenging. Unfortunately, some "helpful" people keep pointing out things about the events that I am most worried about and magnifing them. Like, we're moving my sister into college tomorrow and I wanted to go and help. I felt confident that I could go, but then my mom said "well, you do know that we're going to be there for most of the day and that it's going to be really crowded and that we won't be able to leave no matter how anxious you get, right? because i want to make sure you know that. are you still sure you want to go?" I could feel the confidence I had built up crumbling, because I felt like her reminder made the crowds and the time so much scarier than they had been when I was just thinking about them, and that her "are you sure you still want to go?" made me feel like she wasn't sure I could do it. Now I feel horrible and am not going because I am too afraid and can't seem to get a handle on my anxiety.
This isn't the first time this happened either. Sometimes it's small things, sometimes it's big things. Two years ago when I was deciding where I wanted to go to college (before my agoraphobia started), I decided to go to Connecticut, 7 or so hours away from my home in Maryland. I wanted to go so bad, but after one too many "well meaning" friends, relatives, and even therapists told me "you do know it's really far away from home, don't you?" or "maybe you should apply somewhere close to home, you know, just in case you can't go" or "how do you think your going to deal with not knowing anyone there? are you sure you think you can do it?" I just fell apart and now I barely leave the house because I really feel like I can't do anything! And no matter how much I try to block it out or say "yes, thanks, i'm aware of that", it feels like those thoughts implant themselves in my brain and never leave. How do I tell these "helpful" people to just stop helping me already?? How do I stop letting what other people say have such a hold on me? I'm so sick of my self esteem being butchered with one simple statement.

I think friends, family members, and doctor's are truely trying to help you but don't realize how negative their comments are. I agree with the way you feel, I would feel the same way. Phrases like, 'Are you sure' and 'You do realize' can be discouraging, especially for those of us who suffer from anxiety. I would talk to your family and let them know that even though they might think they are helping you, they're not. They need to try and remember the way they convey their words to you. I mean I'm sure you ran your sister's "college scenario" through your head a million times. You don't need reinforcement of your scary "what if" thoughts from everyone else. Give them examples like, 'We are really proud of you for coming to your sister's college with us. This is a big step towards handeling your agoraphobia, and we are here to support you if you feel nervous or anxious."

I hope you still go. I know it might seem scary but you will feel so much better if you go. And if you feel scared, you have your family there. Nothing bad is going to happen. And if you can't go, don't beat yourself up. Be proud that you attempted to do it.
Good luck.

I can relate and I'm sure most other people here could too.

Our loved ones don't mean any harm. They think they're helping. I had to learn a long time ago not to expect emotional support from my mother because I just wasn't going to get it. Instead, I got the exact opposite.

You're the only one who can really build yourself up. No one else can build my self esteem but me. It's futile to rely on others to do that. First of all, they're not going to do it. Second of all, they can't do it even if they wanted to. If I got a false sense of security from someone who really did try to help, I would be emotionally dependent on them. Most people around us can barely handle their own emotional independence. They can't carry someone else emotionally too.

Trust God and begin learning how to trust yourself. Take baby steps and give yourself a huge pat on the back for even the littlest signs of progress. You can do this.

MIKE

I just want to encourage you. You can do it! You are God's child and he loves you so much. You are so precious to Him. People who have never been through this do not understand so it is hard for them to encourage anyone. I have people that I share my feelings with. Those are people that I trust and the others I don't share with. It is important that you are around upbeat people. As Mike said, take baby steps and be proud of yourself even when you accomplish the smallest thing. You are not in this alone. We are all behind you. I'm praying for you!

Hi Cole2458,

I started having many problems with anxiety when I was 19. I'm 27 now and while I still have some struggles that I'm working on, I am definitely better today then I was at 19. I know how it feels when people try to give you "helpful advice" but whether these people realize it or not, they are not helping you in overcoming or coping effectively with anxiety, which would boost your self esteem. It would be good for you to tell people that their advice or comments really don't help you at all. The next time someone tries to discourage you from facing anxiety, try to do it anyway. It would be good for you to do it because it will be a step in overcoming anxiety and it will make you feel good about facing your fears and knowing you can deal with and beat anxiety. I can really empathize with what you are going through because I have gone through it myself. My heart goes out to you in all that you're going through with anxiety and self esteem problems. I'll pray for you that God guides and helps you on your road to overcoming anxiety and low self esteem. Like Daniece said, you are precious to God. He is always with you and loves you dearly. Take care and God bless you . Keep us posted on how things are going for you.

Rose