Stress Center Peer Support

I don't know what to say, but I am so sick of myself and I don't know what to do. Why is it that I just don't seem to ever figure out how to learn from my mistakes? I don't understand why I can't protect myself from experiences that hurt me. I can't trust anyone and so I am constantly trying to convince myself that I am being stupid and paranoid about people...especially men...that I am wrong about them or that I am right and need to get away from them. I have never been in a relationship where I was happy...I feel like I am always being miss treated. I just don't get it and I am so fed up with my warped thoughts. I can't ever figure out if I am really seeing things the way they truly are or if it is just me being stupid. I am so confused and I am getting so scared because I am not really sure what reality is anymore. I can't protect myself and I am so tired of being paranoid and suspicious of others. I just don't know who to turn to or where to go for help. I can't do this anymore.

I was wondering where to start with my reply, and I decided to begin with my own beginning. My first real boyfriend (junior high) was a good person. He was considerate, kind, and honest. He moved. My second boyfriend (high school) was selfish and very self absorbed. He wanted to get married. I was young and smart. I said thanks, but no thanks. I had another boyfriend I met during my travels around the world, and he was about as nice a person as you could imagine. But he lived in Scotland. I lived here. After college, I had another boyfriend. He was wonderful. We were good together. Another fellow came along, he was determined that we get married. I left the good relationship for a really indifferent one. I put him through school, grad school, post grad school, and the years went by. My work kept me so busy, a failed relationship was not priority. We were good friends, and got along quite well. We weren’t ever able to say we had devotion or fondness for each other. He left me after nearly 17 years. His family told me afterwards that they loved me, but that he always called me his “wallet.” He had a falling out with his family when he left me. I was floored and crushed. How do you stay with someone that long and not know how insignificant you are to them? I always made more money, and always worked twice as many hours. That’s what he valued about me. My reality about my own value and worth in a relationship became distorted and irrational somewhere during that 17 years, and the way he left me, well that sealed the event into a concrete vault of lies I told myself. I told myself I had no value, and I figured out at least 100 different ways to say that to myself all the time. I told myself fiction about me so often, I got good at knowing what a mess I was. It was obvious to me by then that I was just worthless. After all, my entire worth in a 17 year marriage was to be a wallet, and my entire worth in a more recent relationship was to be kind, forgiving and generous, regardless of what I got back. In the real world where the lies I told myself weren’t important, I always continued to be good at my work, good at my obligations, and valued by my family and friends. When my father’s cancer metastasized, I put all other things in my life on hold and bought them a house in a town near my ranch. I took over most of their daily chores, and I spent time with them every day. My father passed away last summer, and my mother passed away last March. My parents were just about the only people I believed when they told me I was a good, kind, compassionate, worthwhile person. When they died, I believed I had lost the only people who thought well of me. My friends tried to tell me how wonderful I was to them, but I did not believe them. Depression settled over my life as real and solid and filled with suffering as anything imaginable. Then I found this program. I bought it for someone else. That’s the irony. I’d have never bought something like this for myself, because I did not believe in my own worth. Does this make sense to you? It is a total paradox, but I worked the program because it was rejected by someone else. I am about one week from graduating. My friends are amazed at how well I am doing. I am more than amazed. I am thrilled. I feel like a whole person, full of good stuff. I now believe the first person I must always turn to when my world crashes is ME. I am the one who puts it into a spin. I am the only one who can rescue it from spinning and get things back on track, working, positively.

Your life is a mess because of what you are doing. Some others will often take advantage of the bad choices you make. There are many people who will do very well off of your mistakes. But the only person who can stop this bus and turn it around is you.

You are going to have to see this. And then you are going to have to make the changes that put your life back together in a way you will enjoy it.

PS: Somewhere between Session One and where I am today, Session Fourteen, I actually quit believing the negative stuff. I don't have to work very hard at reducing negative self talk, because when those thoughts pop up, I think, Oh, go on. That's not even true.
Eliminating the negative self talk is the key. It is where you will realize what a cool person you really are.

hi lazzzzy hope you are feeling a bit better!
Nice to read your story pecos and sorry that had to happened to you in life! GOOD stuff to share pecos ty and good luck to you ( but you don't need luck anymore do you) the reason why i am writing to you lazzy is because i have shared with you before... i keep running into the same brick wall as you have HIT yet again!and from little ( and i say little but very very helpful)that i have learned from this program already ( iam new as you are) Is that WE are the only people in our lifes that can choose to either run straight for that brick wall yet again OR we can choose to turn slighty enough to just miss wall and go around that brick wall! AS a male on this planet lazzy i can tell you with all honesty the people lie... NOT just men. so please do not think its JUST you.. AS pecos was so kind enough to share with you... she was lied to for 17 yrs.... (again ty pecos for sharing and ty lazzy for being honest enough with your feelings and thought and posting them here) But lazzy lets try to forget who lied to you and for how long and forget even the reason they lied to you.... please lets try to figure out how NOT to run into that same brick wall again. YOU are a strong woman .. look at the steps you have already made to get to this point in your life!!! YOU KNOW how much you want to get better,,,, survie this trial in your life and move forward being the best PERSON you can be (one day at a time) TRY to look at why you keep putting yourself back into that path straight for that brick wall ( i do the same thing lazzy i am NOT putting you down for this--- however just trying to get you to think outside of the box here... no insult intended lazzy) If you can figure out why you do this... then maybe (with the help of people here like pecos and others) we can figure out how NOT to do this to ourselves! i do hope you feel better YOU ARE A STRONG HUMAN....

Hi Seawolf, I just read your story to Lazzzycat, and what a good story it is.

Hi Lazzzycat!! I read your story and I think I understand how you are feeling because your story could be mine. I'm 47 years old and I think because of my anxiety I never trust my own feelings when I was in bad relationships with men and then I let them treat me unkind because I kept telling myself you are week maybe I just didn't see the things right and so on just the way you describe. My first man how I have a relationship with for nearly twenty years and we have a son together was very bad to me and force me to do things that I event want to tell here we get divorced 1998. Then I met a man and I think how can someone want to have me I'm so bad person and this man was really dangerous He want to control me totally and He wants me not to meet my parents, son and friends, this relationship ends after five years. Then I met the third man who was sick in ADHD I think he was charming at first ut then He abused both me and his son, and then this relationship end. I have think a lot's of time I'f anything is wrong with me because I can't stay in a relationship but now I know it wasen't my fault because this men are dysfunction. Now to the positive thing since once year ago I met a wonderful man who is a normal person and we are going great together. I've just started this programme and I feel better a nd stronger already the most important thing is to be nice to yourself and think that you diserve to feel well and be treated nice. I relly hope it will work for you and I know it will if you take good care of yourself.