Stress Center Peer Support

My fiancee whom I live with recently read my journal because it was "in my best interests" and "he was concerened". I suspect he also peruses my email as he knows things he should not. He has popped up in parking lots for example at my gym and at work. This behavior concerns me, especially due to his profession- he is in law enforcement. I think I am a little afraid of him and I feel trapped here and scared. There is nothing I am doing to warrant being under surveillance. In fact, I have less of a life than I did before I met him. For all I know he may read this post! Does anyone have any suggestions? He has never hit me, but I feel abused and scared anyway. I'm afraid to confront him.

Hi:
I'm not qualified to give any advice.

But I will share my thoughts on this.
Somehow it just doesn't sound right.

I hope that you get this situation worked out.
I might think about living on my own for awhile
until I could come to terms with this intrusion on your privacy. Just a thought.
MaryJane

I am not an expert or anything, however I will say that YOUR journal is just that. YOURS. If he can't respect that than how are you to trust him? My husband doesn't even look at my journal-even if I leave it wide open, which I sometimes do. I hope things improve for you.

To me it sounds like he is trying to control you. He is also insecure about himself. He wouldn't need to read your journal, or show up places that you are out if he wasn't. Just because he isn't physically abusive doesn't mean he is emotionally or mentally. I had an ex boyfriend just like that. He would read private things I wrote, check my cell phone, and I couldn't go anywhere without telling him. It wasn't like that right away but over time it got worse.

If you feel scared it's probably warrented. I would have a talk with him and tell him you don't appreciate him reading your journal nor does he need to appear at places you are. If he doesn't listen, then I would make some changes.

Dear cuttingirl,
I am afraid you are not going to like my response. Your post worries me. It sounds to me that there are all the earmarks of the beginning of an abusive relationship. You already say that you are scared of him. You also say that you had more of a life before him. Please, I am really begging you, talk to someone, or call a hotline number that I am sure exists for women in abusive relationships. What you are experiencing is just the start of it. IT WILL GET WORSE, AND IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER!!! Try to read what you wrote as if another person had written it.... what would your response be? And, just as a reality check, my husband would NEVER read my journal even if I left it open all day on the kitchen table. He has never called or just shown up someplace just to check on me. I am not afraid of him, and I trust him implicitely. That is the way relationships should be. I know that this sounds harsh, but I am afraid for you. Please let us know how you are doing, and please get some information for yourself.

hi,
what i would do is sit down and talk to him and see what he meant by doing what he is doing. if you 2 are planning on geting married then you need to be able to talk to each other.i understand your concern and i wonder how his job performance is going.has he talked to you about his job.i remember when my ex had someone send me an email that told me that yahoo had to change my password and that they were sorry.she was trying to cover her own tracks and find out if i was doing anything behind her back. she had her good fried do it and when i saw his email address a red flag went up.
i would change my password and anything else that he might have access too.it is not fair to do what he is doing and i do know that you are concerned. my son in law is a policeman and he thinks that he can do anything and he is covered. let me say this if he does anything that is against the law he will get in trouble.play a waiting game for awhile and just keep your eyes open.i hope that this helps you some.take care and keep your chin up and do not let this get you down. be blessed.
don

If you are truly afraid of him you really do need to get away from the situation. A healthy relationship is not based in fear and your post worries me that you may end up making excuses for his behavior ("he has never hit me, but") Don't let this escalate to "He hit me but I may have deserved it." I would phone a women's shelter and talk to a counselor if in any way you feel you are in danger.

Listen to your intuition. I think you already know the answer. I will be praying for you as I can't imagine how scared you must be. It just really sounds very creepy and sadly people don't usually change "for the better" when they get married.

You are strong...you can do whatever you need to do.

Okay I am probably going to have a little different opinion than most by reading the other responses.

First off, why are you afraid of him/afraid to confront him? How do you think he's going to react?

It is obvious he has self-esteem issues...and trust issues. However...I don't think that HAS to mean he will turn into and "abusive" person.

I think it is important to discuss why he feels the need to do this. If you can't address things directly, then you may want to reconsider marriage right now.

Obviously you feel violated. If he has trust issues because of baggage in his past, and you love him, then begin to work through that together. (If you WANT to.) PEOPLE DO CHANGE! I have seen personally with people in my own life, as well as in myself!

Now, if he is actually abusive, or does not want to work through this in a healthy manner and starts trying to control you, that is a whole different arena all together. You can't have a healthy relationship this way.

The same way we have emotional problems and fears because of our past and the way we think, so do others...in many different ways!

You need to be able to see clearly if he is an abusive man, or just terrified of letting go of control and being hurt.

You will be able to distinguish this fairly easily by his responses and his actions.

Hello everyone- thank you so very much for the thoughtful responses. I have many things to ponder in my heart but I believe my intuition is correct and I need to carefully consider taking the difficult steps. Tonight I saw him in the parking lot of the yoga studio where he knew I was practicing; it was a bit creepy. These are the types of things that make me uneasy, especially since there is no reason for him not to trust me. I am examining myself also- I am extremely volatile with this anxiety and panic disorder and may be contributing to his behavior, or perhaps it is just in his nature and profession to know who is where and what is happening at all times. I do not believe he is violent, but he is angry and he might not be the right man for me also for additional reasons I have not mentioned... at any rate, I cannot begin to thank you all enough for these words of insight, encouragement, and warning. I have taken heed and have scheduled an appointment with my therapist as well as some time alone to sort it out in my mind. It's amazing how convoluted and tangled things get when mixed up with anxiety. It's a mixed and rocky journey. Thank you for hopping on with me briefly and sharing wise perspective. It is not fun to be at work all day on guard then to come home and feel like a prisoner in my own home, hoping he's not there, etc. Home should be where you come home to relax and unwind. Thank you again, I am blessed by your presence here and I hope to bless in turn. All best, and peace and blessings on your challenges/ journey