Stress Center Peer Support

Well, I've been through the program a couple of times now...and i just have to say that it is the best in the world. I am so much better than I was when I started. So much so, actually, that I am now in a relationship after three years of being single -- and I started freaking a little a few days ago.

I am having obsessive broken thoughts about the relationship. However, I believe down deep, that this is because this is the first BIG change I have gone through since the program. I am hopeing that some veterans can help me sort that one out for sure.

First of all, me and my new fella have been the best of friends since we met a couple of years ago. We still are the best of friends. I think that made it comfortable in the beginning. However, now that we are a few months in, it's getting serious and at the same time, incredibly frightening.

I haven't let someone this close to me, and in my personal space, for quite some time. I don't know what to do with myself when he is around for long periods --- for instance on the weekends. And, I've become more attentive to whether or not he is happy, entertained, hungry...all of my people pleasing skills. And this is causing anxiety. It makes it seem like work.

I find myself saying to this worry, it was so much easier being alone. No one had to know when I was scared. No one had to know when I didn't feel well, was cranky, had pms. I could hide it. I feel like I can't hide anymore, which is causing anxiety.

He is SO incredibly understanding. He isn't pushing me. He doesn't need the attention I am giving him. And he isn't asking me to do all of the things that I am so worried about. If anything, he tells me it's normal to be anxious in a new relationship. He doesn't mind any of the things I am so embarrassed about and he is completely understanding.

So, why am I getting more anxious? It's like I am telling myself this isn't right and that's why I feel anxious, but I really don't believe that is it. I believe that I am self sabotaging! I believe that I am being obsessive and scareing myself back into old modes of behavior. I am giving my fear power and a reason for being and I want to stop.

I want to tell myself there is no pressure that what I am feeling is normal and not to give it any power. I have found no rational reason not to be with this person. I miss him when he's gone. I love the time we spend together. He makes me laugh. He is so sweet and caring. He is so handsome. And it all comes down to the fact that I am scared.

At least that's what I think.

I am open for opinions at this point and could really use them. Good thoughts aren't easy to come by when you are anxious and I could use some.

That scare voice in us does not want us to succeed. You are right in feeling that you are self sabotaging yourself. Don't judge it, however.

I know you feel you need to do something to get rid of these thoughts but try to remember that it isn't the content of the thought that is troubling. It is the resistance to the thoughts that are troubling you. You don't want these thoughts (understandably); however, until you allow them to come and go without you getting emotionally involved with them, they will continue to bug you.

Say to yourself: "I see what you are doing. I know I can't stop you but I want you to know that I can see you, and I don't have to follow." Meaning - you don't have to identify with these thoughts. You don't have to wish them away. You don't have make them stop. They are just thoughts. Really, it doesn't matter why you have them. Instead of resisting them, start watching them. Allow them to come and go like a passing cloud. You can say: "Whatever." to it if you feel you need to say something. Just "whatever". Practice this all the time thoughout each day and see what happens. When you don't give a hoot one way or the other if you have these thoughts, they will begin to let you go.

Once a day write down all the positive, great and wonderful things about yourself. Start with ten a day and add one new one per day. Read it to yourself as often as you can.

With practice the thoughts will become less and less. They may return with your vulnerability or if you are stressed, but you can dismiss them each and every time. You'll beable to let them go easily.

"So what if I feel insecure in this relationship. It's new for me. I'll relax in time."

"I want to be myself in this relationship, and if being myself means I am anxious sometimes then so be it."

Be patient with yourself. Be good to yourself. You are OK exactly as you are. When you come to terms with that, positive change follows.

It is hard to let someone into our "personal" space. We have our own ways of doing things and at times it may not live up to par with another person. Here is where the "people pleasing" stuff comes in. You do not live to please him. Sure he is your partner. I am married and LOVE my husband dearly, but I also do not just live for him. Yes I love him, but I have to attend to my needs FIRST in order to take care of me and THEN I am able to be all I can be for him. That does nto mean I do everything for him like a personal assistant. I LOVE him, trust him, respect him first and foremost. All the rest of the stuff just comes out of love and not the feeling that I need to do anything. I used to feel I needed to be everything to him, do everything for him (and everyone else) but that only made me miserable because I cannot love and take care of anyone until I love and take care of myself FIRST. Is this selfish? NOPE! I am better because I care for myself, which my husband says he is better for it too. (Mind you he DOES take care of himself too. ie:bike riding, friends, reading, designing and the like)

And NO it is NOT easier being alone. I love to have someone to love and share life with. And NO, it does nto have to be as complicated as we sometimes can make it be. Sometimes we just have to let things be and not over think. Things CAN be beautiful and simple. I never thought things could be easy and happy, but they are. Sure I have the normal life ups and downs just like anyone, but the relationship my husband and I have really flows. We both care and respect one another and that is not work at all. The love part grows out of that caring and respect.

When I first met my husband, I thought he was funny, caring, loving, handsome, etc too. I also thought that NO WAY could someone THIS good be real. I wondered during the first years, actually feared that he was too good to be true. He is though. After 11 years of marriage, we still are on our honeymoon. I do not fear anymore and that I think IS normal and will diminsh as time goes by, love grows stronger and trust is bonded. Do not fear...LOVE IS a BEAUTIFUL thing!