STEVE - good to see ya friend - so really good to see ya.
OK, NOW DWN TO BUSINESS, LOL - THE BUSINESS OF LUCINDA'S PROGRAM! 
When my anxiety disorder triggered(physical body symptoms), it was after I had surgery for the 1st time in APR 2005. I had ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE what this "thing" was, none @ all. I initiated therapy IMMEDIATELY w/ a psychiatrist. Long story short, I was diagnosed by my psychiatrist w/ "anxiety disorder" + "panic attacks" + "PTSD"(fr 3 different things). In addition, I was informed, by 2 different DR'S(my psychiatrist & reg dr) that my case was so extreme - it was 1 of the worst they had ever seen. I was literally 2 steps away fr a PSCH HOSPITAL - no joking.
<span class="ev_code_RED">PARDON ME FOR SOUNDING LIKE I AM PREACHING, LOL - BUT I AM GONNA PREACH, LOL(y'all know you still love me) hahah</span>:
- My case wasn't necessarily any worse than the next person's - it was just MY CASE - MY STORY. I had so many things happen to me up & until anxiety disorder triggered - not some sad/sick/traumatic/tragic BOOK. It was real & it was MY LIFE - I literally lived/experienced THESE THINGS. The problem was, I had no real grasp on how these things effected me, emotionally speaking. I was so wrapped up in a KNOT of surpressed emotions - I just assumed THIS IS ME & THIS IS MY LIFE. I didn't know better or different.
- From the time I walked into my very 1st therapy session & forward, I was gently & methodically guided through these said events. My anxiety disorder directly came fr all the things I had experienced in the past, but out of sheer fear & terror, I couldn't admit or face or feel:
- I came fr a highly dysfunctional background. I was abused(a-z, you name it - it happened to me) + molested by @ least 5 different people(that I was able to remember) during the course of several yrs - w/ 2 of them being IMMEDIATE / BIOLOGICAL FAMILY MEMBERS + I was abandoned. My father left us when I was 5 yrs old, never to be seen or heard of again. My mother, a woman who should never have had children, was in over her head & beyond(too long to get into here). I was 6yrs old - it was winter/snowing/8:30pm @ nite - my mother was no where to be seen. I was sitting on this 1 stoop on my block - alone/cold/afraid. This was old school type of neighborhood - they didn't call the cops. Instead, the "adults" of the block, spoke w/ the "neighborhood grandfather" & he took me in for the night. He ret'd me the next day - w/ my mother only saying "oh, ok". Fr that moment on, he raised me - she saw he was willing to MIND ME & she had more or less, pawned me off. She kept all welfare $'s - never contributing. Oh sure, she'd take me back - out of punishment for some thing I did(so she thought) or to make him pay $'s to see me. She'd also take me back to be her CINDERELLA - no exageration here. It was during those "TAKING ME BACK" times, that a lot of the abuse happened(too cumulative to detail here - I was tortured).
Imagine if you could, the EMOTIONAL TORTURE to a little 6 yr old girl - whose father left her & her mother abandoned her. Imagine being 6 yrs old - living apart fr the only family you know, right dwn the block fr them - literally & wondering why you were the only 1 sent away( I had 2 old syblings @ the time), wondering why she/they didn't want you - then spending a lifetime trying to right some wrongs you must have done, to try & get them to LOVE YOU AGAIN + being on your own in your senior year of highschool cause the man(stranger) who raised you died - then, no one & I mean no one coming forward to guide/help/advise/assist you. I was, emotionally speaking, abandoned all over again. In 1 quick instant, I was a young teenager w/o any family @ all. To say I was overwhelmed/petrified would be a serious understatement.
- When independence was suddendly thrust upon me in sr year of highschool, for me it was SINK OR SWIM. You see that was the mentality all my life. It was never
Think & feel.For me it was alway SINK OR SWIM = live & survive. This was the case fr the age of 5 yrs old. There but for the grace of GOD go I - the lord was watching out for me. Somehow, some way - I graduated, secured the apt in the projects we had lived in, & got a job(entry level on wall st nyc). I was in SHOCK. I didn't know anything about being on my own w/ adult responsibilities. I didn't know how to take care of a home + pay bills(hell, I didn't even know what a debit/credit was in a check book) + clean/chores/laundry - lol, I PUT BLEACH IN EVERYTHING INITIALLY, LOL - HONEST. Obviously, there were more things that required $'s - than I had coming in - really, what is a high school graduate gonna make. Needless to say, I went hungry many a times. The hard part for me, asides fr the obvious, is my having to do it alone. When my caretaker died, I had no family. Not 1 member of my biological family came forward. It was hard, hell, & I was very lonely.
Quite obviously, I was an emotional mess = the emotional tolls on me were adding up. I just wasn't aware of just how much.
- I was, as mentioned, working in dwntown nyc, the WTC to be precise. I was working in 2 WTC - 81st floor. In 1993, when they bombed the WTC, I was @ work that day - when they bombed it. They building shook as easily as you would holding a pencil in your hand & moving it fr side to side. GRey thick smoke immediately & REALLY FAST quickly rose to the top flrs - thick/black/rubber smelling smoke. Not making jokes, but kind of like in the Scooby Doo cartoons. They kept us up there for 2 hrs b/4 we were allowed to walk dwn the stairs - another feat that took a hell of a long time. Then, we finally get outside & it was utter hysteria: soldiers w/ machine guns & police in riot gear - imagine the sight of seeing that. I lived in nj & no one could tell me how to get home. I kept walking & walking - asking cops along the way & no one could tell me. Finally, I had walked all the way to CHINATOWN - & found the NJ PATH trains that were going to NJ. I sat on the train & made it to nj. I couldn't stand up - once I got to my stop- my legs locked & I required assistance. I was covered in black soot head to toe - inhaled who knows what & how much. I didn't/couldn't realize what I'd been through till I got home to my apt. I saw it on tv & BAM it hit me. I carried on, like no big deal.
- In 2001, tragically, on 9/11 - I was there. NO, I no longer worked in the WTC then. However, to get into dwntown nyc - I took a train that came into the wtc. Usually, I walked fr there to my job on WALL ST. SOmetimes, if running late, I'd hop on a NYC SUBWAY - 2 quick stops to my job. That is exactly what happened that sad day. I was running a tad behind & didn't want to be late for work. After getting off the NJ PATH trains, I hopped on a NYC SUBWAY TRAIN(N/R to be exact)w/ the intention of going 2 quick stops. I got on my train @ apprx 8:43am & it proceeded to descend(go into) the tunnel. We paused in the tunnel, which isn't unusuall for the traffic in the tunnels - so you didn't think twice about it. We were in the tunnel 7 min's. I remember cause I looked @ my watch - not wanting to be late. No one on that train knew what was going on. I got off @ my stop - & ran upstairs to my job. I was like a horse w/ blinders on. I got to my desk, still no clue. My supervisor said "you're hubby's on the phone." I asked him "why?" Supervisor replied, "cause a plane just hit 1 of the wtc towers. My timeline estimates, I was in the tunnel when the 1st plane hit. Then, in absolute horror, we watched the 2nd plane hit the 2nd tower. <span class="ev_code_RED">right where that 2nd plane hit - is where I used to work - directly/exactly.</span>
- There are no words @ all (& y'all know I can talk, obviously) to describe the terror I had that day - none @ all would accurately convey being there. I had friends in the wtc - a close 1 particularly named Paul who gave me away for my wedding. I was in shock. The sights/smells/environment was 1 that eptimizes all that PANIC is. I made it back to NJ after a few hrs(another story). I wasn't able to go back to nyc for 2 wks. When I did, the smells of that day still resinated(being discreet). I was afraid to go back, cause I thought I'd die. I still did for 3 yrs following. None the wiser that I had PTSD fr this day.
- I had galbladder surgery in APR 2005. In the lge scheme of things, this wasn't the most extreme. For me, it was. I was afraid I'd die, never to wake up & see my husband again. So, right b/4 they wheeled me in - I told him "if I don't wake up again, pls remember I love you". Obviously, I was in a state of panic. I made it out of surgery fine, physically. I was in a panic though once I was awake - I just didn't know it. They give you pain meds every 3 hrs. I was kept overnight. They gave me this very potent pain meds & I DIDN'T SLEEP. They gave me demirol(sp) & I still didn't sleep. I went home sat morning.
By that MONDAY - it was on. I was having constant panic attacks 24/7. IT WAS ON.
Now, I know I wrote a lot here. My intention was to convey the severely fragil emotional state I was in. I had lived thru some tough things. Probably out of the cumulative fear/shame/guilt/survival mode/ignorance to the severity of the events, I DIDN'T acknowledge/admit/feel/deal w/ them. Rather, I just kept surpressing & surpressing & surpressing. Until, the day of the surgery. THat surgery wasn't the cause, but IT WAS MY "TRIGGER". My emotional cup spilleth over - till there wasn't any more room.
I had an awful lot to work thru. Long b/4 I could even begin to face myself - heck, long b/4 I even realized I NEEDED TO - I needed help - an emotional tour guide if you will, to help me sift thru this stuff = the past. It equated to going thru an imaginary time tunnel & reliving each event as though it was happening for the 1st time - except this time, TRULY FACING THEM - feeling the emotions & all.
In essence, it was consolidating 30+ yrs of events into 20 MONTHS.
That was hell on earth. I needed, desperately, to get myself comfortable facing & feeling what I've spent a life time running fr - I had to deliberately FORCE MYSELF to go to places I feared. I needed to get myself comfortable doing so - my life depended on it. Every single week, I went back to therapy. I didn't want to - I knew I needed to. I needed to unburden myself w/ the burdens I'd carried & make room in my emotional storage for the GOOD STUFF. I had required the aids of meds: anxiety med @ 3x's per day & 2 sleep aids. Lol, I felt like I was going 12 rounds, emotionally, w/ MIKE TYSON @ his prime.
- I also initiated journaling - to get myself comfortable admitting what I was thinking & feeling - then to feel them & find some way to let go + move on + forgive. I did research w/ reading tons of books.
Finally, I reached a point in my JOURNEY where I realized "Lenore, there are some things about our personality that needs to change". I WAS finally ready for <span class="ev_code_RED">self accountability & responsibility.</span> I not only realized those negative aspects of my personality, I also realized the emotional toll of me on all those negative emotions I had been carrying = anger/resentment/bitterness. I was living in the past, as the past for so long, it became a lge part of who I was. I WANTED MORE - I wanted to
FEEL BETTER.
I purchased & started Lucinda's program in NOV 2006. Fr the get go, that woman, our dear Lucinda, WAS ON. Fr the very 1st word spoken & throughout, she was so darn precise, it was as though she KNEW ME PERSONALLY - that she was describing me. My state couldn't have gotten any worse, other than going in a psych hospital. So, I chose to FIGHT LIKE HELL W/ EVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING/SOUL/SPIRIT. I followed her program strictly. For the 1st time in my life, I put me 1st. I got <span class="ev_code_RED">RAW HONEST</span> w/ myself - I took myself THERE, if I make sense. I went to the PANDORA'S BOX of my soul/spirit. I realized, w/ the initial help of therapy, the more honest I got - the BETTER I FELT. The more I felt - letting it all out, the BETTER I FELT. The more I changed, the BETTER I FELT. So, to be honest, I told myself, "girl, you need to change". If there were aspects of her program that were a little conceptually difficult - I MADE NO EXCUSES. Instead, I got even more books - took more notes & got myself to understand. I moved heaven & earth to recover.
I don't have words to accurately convey ALL I FEEL FOR LUCINA'S PROGRAM/THIS StressCenter.com SITE/THE FRIENDS I'VE MADE/THE RECOVERY I DO HAVE & THE PERSONAL FREEDOM & INNER PEACE I AM FEELING. My journey was a long 1 - 3 1/2 yrs to be exact. I was home, not working during that entire time. Majority of that time was spent ALONE. My hubby/inlaws/friends all worked. I didn't know anyone unemployed - so noone was around. I sure didn't know anyone who had anxiety disorder.
My journey was tough, the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. It was in 2 parts: 1) face my past + 2) face myself. For so long, I wasn't THE WOMAN LENORE. Rather, I was LIVING as the SUM TOTAL of the events I had experienced. Meaning, I wasn't LENORE the woman - I was the abused/molested/abandoned little girl in an adults body who simply didn't know how to free herself. She didn't know she could - she didn't know there was a way. She was afraid to. Obviously based on the events I experienced in childhood, I had some emotional problems & self esteem issues. I mean like, really, lol lol
Because I had been surpressing them, they just kept building up - I had been living in a STATE OF BEING IN ITS TOTALITY that I assumed was me & my life. I didn't know forgiveness(lord I am crying now as I type this in absolute gratitude honest w/ this song on the radio "even the best fall dwn sometimes"). I blamed myself & was filled w/ shame. I feared LETTING GO. Most important TO ME was
I didn't love myself + didn't trust myself. That is what LUCINDA'S PROGRAM,to name a few, GAVE ME.
YOu know, very few people get a 2nd chance @ life. I was given that gift. I was given the opportunity to stop + sit/stay still + to heal + change + grow + evolve + forgive(God worked serious OVERTIME w/ this concept w/ me, lol
) + let go + move on + live in the precious present moment - a concept that was initially WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY OVER MY HEAD - like up there ^^^^^^^, lol. I've learned to trust myself. For many yrs, I ASSUMED you/he/she/they/them = everyone outside of myself had the ans's, my ans's. Now I turn to me 1st - I trust me & better yet, I love me. I look at the woman staring at me in the mirror w/ pride - she fought like hell to free us both. I am no longer filled w/ anger/resentment - I forgave & have moved on w/ my life - creating a family for myself. THere is no blame, we were all victims of victims. I can stop & sit still(relax) & gosh I sure do love that too, lol. I've moved past the trauma's of both WTC events & the surgery w/ a healthier perspective. I have returned to working again, for the past 5 mths. I am no longer on any anxiety meds + sleep aids & my depress med is currently on the lowest dosage possible(made possible by my resilance & hard work)- I am very close to getting off the depress med - my goal. I've changed my eating habits(facing food issues in therapy) + created a daily exercise schedule & I've lost 68.8lbs - I'm now 2 lbs away fr goal @ WEIGHT WATCHRS. I have, as Steve mentioned, COPING SKILLS to life, anxiety, stress, & depression. Life will & is life - it will, @ times, include all those things. The difference now is I am stronger(mentally + emotionally + physically + spiritually) to handle them. I don't fear them - I have SKILLS.
dr's + accountants + mechanics, etc - all don't wake up & JUST BECOME THESE THINGS. Rather, they had to be SCHOOLED/EDUCATED/TAUGHT 1st - then they could BE THESE THINGS.REcovery fr anxiety disorder & depress is no different. I went to the college of mental & emotional wellness via therapy & Lucind's program. I admitted I had a problem 1st - then I did the work necessary. I was emotionally ready to change.
How do you possibly put a price tag on all the wonderful things that have taken place - you don't & can't. Therapy worked for me cause I was WILLING. The program worked cause I was WORKING IT - w/ no excuses. Was it easy? No - the process that was my journey to recovery was quite tough. In return though, I have my freedom - I've been born again, a little lighter.
You know, I turn 40 next FRI, 8/15. I have so very much to be greatful for. I don't mourn getting older - I celebrate the changes I acknowledged I needed to & did make + the recovery I have + the means to make it all happen(therapy & Lucinda's program). Lucinda's <span class="ev_code_RED">Living in the precious present moment</span>resenated w/ me. So much so, I didn't something really cool, lol yesterday.
I GOT A TATTOO. I'm lucky if I have my ears pierced, lol. I thought about it now for a while. I don't ever want to forget - to get so comfortable w/ how good I'm feeling, that I lax off - let things fall by the waistside. I don't want to live in a state of idleness = dwelling on the past & fearing the future & not going anywhere. Now, I don't exactly like needles, lol. In addition, I never had a tattoo. However, this tattoo was my gift to myself. It is my personal trophy - for my courage/bravery/resilence - the absolute pride I have of myself for having taken this journey & still come out believing in love/life/family - w/o blame. Greatfulness that the process & journey didn't harden my heart.
My TATTOO says(right below my right shoulder): <span class="ev_code_RED">CARPE DIEM = latin for "seize the day"!</span> It would have been a little too much writing for "live in the precious present moment" lol. This is same thing.
Your friend,
Lenore
