Stress Center Peer Support

Peace. Just the thought of it brings me to tears. It has been so long since all I've known is turmoil and fear.

I thought about all the things I could do if I just wasn't afraid. The person I am now is nothing like what I used to be. I used to be able to walk into a room of strangers and in ten minutes have shaken hands with everyone. Now I find it difficult to make eye contact with my closest friends. There is so much that I want to do.

I know I need help. I've gone through a long line of doctors, therapists, and specialists to help me, yet to no avail. This problem, this fear has held me back for years. It terrifies me, it angers me, it saddens me. It does not let go and is choking the spirit from me.

As a "strong man" it's often viewed as shameful to show weakness, and I've tried so hard to show none of it. I can't do that now. This is too important.

Let me be frank, I'm desperate. If I don't get help, I won't suffer this way anymore. I will end my life. I believe this program is the answer I've been looking for. I believe that through it I will find the peace I need.

I need to know if there is any other payment options because if I emptied my bank account now I could afford maybe half of the cost. Because of my panic attacks and anxiety I haven't been able to keep a job, making it difficult to earn the money. Often my anxiety leads to anger and rage, which I take out on my friends and family, distancing them from me. Also, no one close to me knows the severity of my problem.

Please let me know what I need to do. Feel free to email or reply with questions or suggestions.

Have you tried any medications? I know that we are not good with taking anything, but when you are depressed sometimes this is the best thing. I feel for you as my sister went through the same feelings as you a long time ago and the drs finally found the right meds and I thank god everyday because she is still here. Please do not let this get the best of you, keep talking to people on this board or do whatever you have to in order to keep your mind occupied.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

First let me say that you will find a lot of support here, DO NOT GIVE UP!!! I know how hard it is for you believe me. I have suffered with this since I was 15 and I am now I am 29. Ended your life is not an option. You should try to be open with your friends and family about how you ar feeling. You might be surprised how they react. I was always afraid of letting others know how I felt because I was ashamed, but now I know that I am who I am and though I wish I could be like everyone else, I relize that would be boring. I am on week three of the program and I have been stuck on week three for like a month because I get scared and lazy. We want change but then we fear it. I will do whatever I can to help you out. I have lost several friends and family to suicide and the feeling that is left behind for loved ones is undescribable pain. Please feel free to e-mail if you want to talk.
Love_mythreekids@yahoo.com

Hey there. Please never give up hope. you are depressed and one of the feelings mis that of hoplesness. There is hope. I just started and the on ly way I ordered is by feeling there is hope. Talk to thos at the center. call or e-mail about paying for it differently. I would suggest that you get on some sort of ssri to help you out. Don't fear them. sure there are side effects but A little headache and maybe some loosesness in your stool is well worth the way it'll make you feel. been there done that!!!
I million or just shy of this number have used this program and its twenty plus years old. as Lucinda sates" we wouldn't still be here if it didn'T work!!!! believe and achieve. good luck and don't get down if you can help it. I know it's tough. kjk

sounds like you and i are in the same boat my frend, like a sinking ship dragging ancor.i to im looking for ansers to no avail sofar. i have had this program for months now and cant seem to get past step 3.i am not willing to give up now i will keep working it over and over. i have nothing more to beleve in. it is comforting to know that im not alone in this difficalt and delacut feeling.

EmptyBlessing, Welcome!!!!! You are in the right place. Are you a writer? If not, you should be..wow, the way you explained our condition, extremely powerful. You are a talented writer!

Let me first tell you that you need to visit this site - as often as you can. This place offers tons of wonderful advise and there are so many people (including myself)who are going through (or have gone through)what you are experiencing now. I wouldn't wish this condition on my worst enemy. Like you, I was what I called "normal" until April 2005 when I had my first panic attack. It came out of nowhere. Ever since then, my world keeps getting smaller and smaller. Until this program, I thought I would suffer forever.

You need to get ahold of the program. It will change your life. It is expensive but it pays for itself a thousand times over. On this site there are books you can also purchase. I bought "From Panic to Power" which is a book Lucinda wrote. It covers a lot of what the program does - it just doesn't go into the details and doesn't include a workbook with homework assignments.

Start saving for the program and maybe purchase one of the books now. Talk to Carolyn (Dickman) who is a moderator on this site - you can send her a personal message - maybe there is a payment plan or something - she would know.

In the meantime, hang in there. Easier said then done, I know, but this condition is temporary. YOU WILL GET OVER IT. Don't ever think of taking your life over anything - especially something like anxiety. We are just overly sensitive, analytical people. You will learn how to overcome this condition. Use that writing talent you have and start keeping a journal. It may sound silly but you won't believe how writing it all out on paper will help. Start writing all your negative scary thoughts down.

Some negative thought examples are: I'm never going to feel better, What is wrong with me, Why is this happening to me? Why can't I be myself again? What if I never get over this condition and I kill myself?

Those are all negative thoughts. Write them down in your journal every day. Once you write them down, write a positive thought to each negative.

Example: Neg. Thought: I'm never going to feel myself again and this anxiety is going to ruin my life.
Positive thought: I am a highly intelligent individual who is sensitive, analytical and caring. I am simply having trouble dealing with this anxiety. But this is only temporary and it is a lesson. This is happening to me for a reason, a reason I don't understand right now but I will learn from this and become a stronger, better person. I will beat this condition and learn how to deal with these feelings, accept them and carry on, leading a normal life.

Another example: Neg. Thought: I hate my life right now. I am so depressed, anxious, I won't ever get out of this hole I am in and find a job..etc.
Positive thought: List your accomplishments or things you are thankful for. I am thankful that I am alive. I am thankful for the roof over my head, I am thankful for my wife, kids..etc. I will beat this condition because I am going to learn how to be nicer to myself. I am going to learn the skills from my friends on this website (and eventually from the program) and I am going to be able to deal with my anxiety and control my anxiety instead of allowing my anxiety to control me. I have found hope in this website and these people care about me and have gone through the same thing.

See how powerful the way that you talk to yourself is? Before this program, I was just like you. But learn from my mistakes, you need to take the advise of Lucinda, the program, your friends on this site seriously and do the exercises they recommend - as silly as they may seem, they will help you.

One last thing. Breath. Focus on your breathing and relaxation. For me, this was the hardest part - I am still trying to master this. When you feel a panic attack coming on, take a deep breath in through your nose(count to 2) and then out through your mouth to the count of 4. Try and find a relaxation tape - maybe a cd of nature sounds or rain. Set aside time EVERY DAY to work on your breathing and relaxation.

Sorry - one last thing. Get out and exercise. If you don't currently exercise, start by taking a 10 minute walk to clear your thoughts each day. Exercise is what helped me the most. I stopped smoking, drinking and have lost 20lbs in the process. Watch your sugar and caffeine intake - caffeine is terrible for those of us with anxiety.

Good luck my friend. Keep me posted. Feel free to send me a private message with any questions - or anyone on this site - they are all wonderful people who are going through the very same thing you are.

emptyblessing, you're seen the glass half empty but soon you will see it full and your blessings will overflow. I know because it's happened to me. I'm not going to write much because WillIever gave a lot of good advice. I can advise you about the pmt.plan and what StressCenter.com did for me. I'm still paying but they really broke it down and did some other neat stuff. Go ahead and PM me. You can use this program the rest of your life. It's well worth it. Get going on it. Don't delay, it will save your life!

Forgot to say how very important I also believe it is that you get to a Dr.immediately and get put on an anti-depressant to pull you thru this. It will help you focus on the program too.

Hi Emptyblessing,

If I had a magic wand, I would gather you and everyone else here so that I could wave off all of the suffering that we go through. I don't have a wand, but this website is the closest thing to magic - great people and great support. Please visit here and tell us how you are feeling - we're here to listen.

I agree with each and every post thus far, so I won't repeat the great advice that's been given. Take each suggestion and write it down, trying one thing on a daily basis. Maybe tomorrow, you'll take a walk. The next day, you may decide to share some of your feelings with a family member, etc. Just please promise you will try. This feeling of despair will not last forever!

Hugs,
Lisa

I'm stunned by the warmth of everyone who has responded. You're all very wonderful.

I've been bounced around from medication to medication as many times as I've gone from doctor to doctor. Which is more times then I remember. I beat a heavy addiction to benzos and I've been clean for over a year. I've recently began to change a lot of my lifestyle. I stopped smoking after ten years, I now exercise regularly, and I've removed all caffeine from my diet. Yet my anxiety and the panic attacks have actually gotten worse. I now have throbbing headaches. Sometimes my hands will shake uncontrollably and my heart will pound in my chest and I'll become physically incapable of doing anything.

Most of the time though, my anxiety is turned to anger and frustration. Often, I take my anger out on those around me. This has ruined the relationships I have had with women, my friends and many of my family members. When I'm not suffering an attack, I'm a passionate, smart, caring person. I make everyone laugh, relax and feel comfortable. But, when I'm in a mood, or upset, my family has described me as a "mean bastard." And I agree with their description, as at those times I hate everyone, my self most of all.

I'm soon to graduate college after a long seven years. I remember a lot of people telling me it would be the best time of my life, but it has been the hardest.

I was first diagnosed with depression and then bi-polar and GAD. I was put on several medications for depression, anxiety, and problems falling asleep. None of this helped and three years ago I had a major panic attack while I was at work. Because I couldn't describe the problem to my boss, she refused to let me leave early. I was so scared. I just wanted to run away. I felt like I was trapped. I told my boss I quit and drove home. I was so upset that I would have to tell my mother that I had lost another job. I went home and ate all my medication, emptied the medicine cabinet of all the pills, and chased it with a pint of rum. Death, I thought, was far better then shame.

Somewhere between total drunkenness and unconsciousness I called the paramedics.

I was admitted to the mental ward of the hospital after I recovered and was assigned a new doctor. He diagnosed me with bi-polar and put me on depakote and a benzo.

After being released, I stopped taking the depakote because it smelled like vanilla and that scared me but I became addicted to the benzos. I consumed them to the extreme and about a year ago my doctor cut me off from them. No warning and no help offered. Needless to say, the withdrawal wasn't fun. I made it worse by not telling anyone.

But recently I've been trying to make steps to improve my life. I've stopped smoking after ten years, of which I am very proud of. I've remained away from all drugs and I am adamant about a doctor not medicating me anymore. I now exercise 5-6 days a week. I've removed all caffeine from my diet and I'm trying to eat healthier.

Still, my life is miserable. I ruin every relationship I'm in and I'm incapable of making new ones. My friends don't call anymore because I never go out with them. Going to bars scares me. As does talking to strangers, ordering a drink, watching people have a good time.

My anxiety often leads to frustration, which leads to anger, which leads to depression, which leads to me wanting to die. To me, suicide is an escape. It is a guaranteed release from the pain I've felt for so long. As sad as it sounds, suicide makes me feel safe.